The Serpent and the Rainbow (Tattoo Disaster)

I had a really difficult weekend because I had actually wanted the Serpent only, and not the rainbow.
I'm talking about my new tattoo which is causing me a lot of distress now. It was thought to be the cobra drawing I made which I posted here two entries back. The night it was done it first seemed to look great.
But a few days on when the scabs started to come off I began to get worried because it looked more and more wrong. Then on Friday after leg workout I took a shower at the gym and the very last of the scabs were gone afterward.
As I applied some cream to it in front of the mirror in the locker room, an older lady asked me if it was new. I told her calm, yes, but that I wasn't quite satisfied with it as I disliked the colors - which was the understatement of the century.



It's a total disaster. It was supposed to be a mostly black King Cobra, with only the eyes green and the inside of the mouth in red. Instead, it has red and pink (yuck, pink!!) and all sorts of colors all over, and instead of being proud I'm ashamed of it now and grateful that it's f'ing freezing winter right now because it makes it easier to hide it most of the time.
On Saturday I talked about it to a friend on the phone who sympathized and said she could imagine so well how I was feeling - quite like as if she had gotten a completely messed-up haircut... hello? I know she loves her hair more than anything, so much she can spend hours talking about it, but still - even if you get your head completely shaven it will eventually grow back, all by itself!

Not so with a tattoo. I wished so much I could simply return it, the way you return an item of clothing bought in error, and ask the money back. Or even if you don't get your money back you could still give it away, throw it into the trash can, or burn it - you could make it disappear from view and from existence.

I then had a nightmare about being covered in horrible tattoos, the shark tattoo on my right arm was tiny and underneath it were three large flowers, one yellow, one blue, one red, and my left arm was covered from wrist to shoulder in the same kinds of flowers - flowers on a warrior, and gaily colored ones!
I've had much trouble sleeping since as I'm just too upset; last night I was able to fall asleep ok but when I woke at about 3:30 AM I could no longer.

I talked to my tattoo artist yesterday and he promised that he will fix it and said I shouldn't worry about it. I hope he'll be able to but I do still worry - also that it might be too late.
Because I later realized that from that moment in the locker room I had started to absolutely hate it. The reason I can't sleep is because I can't get it off my mind when I try, and can't stop the thoughts of wanting to cut it out or to burn it, just anything to get it off my body as I can't go through life with this. It was supposed to be a representation of Satan, and instead it turned into a gaily colored carnival snake!
I already hate it so immensely - can this still be reversed even if the horrible colors can?
For sure, the one thing most easily insured on a warrior is her towering pride, but of course that was known all along. For now I covered the tattoo in some century-old make-up I still found in order to feel a bit better about it in the locker room since I have to leave for the gym now. I just had to get this off my chest somehow as I so far hadn't talked to anyone about it, except to my friend on the phone as mentioned above.
May Father Satan open the way to let this end well somehow.
Praised be Lord Satan, now and in eternity.

In need of book recommendations!

A few nights ago I had a dream in which I was flying above the courtyard between the large apartment buildings where I once lived with my grandparents when I was a kid, praising Satan aloud. Down in the courtyard were some other teenagers (if physically present I'm always a teenager myself in my dreams since this is my self-image) who were staring and shouting at me. I wasn't even angry at them, I could clearly sense they were scared of me. I shouted back at them that they could follow me if they wanted, in following Satan - although I knew it wasn't true, they couldn't really as they were simply from the other side, they didn't belong with Satan.

I do believe anyone can follow Satan provided they have the sincere desire to do so, but in order to truly have this desire it probably needs to be part of your nature. You have the strong desire to follow Satan because you are of Satan, and thereby again it's not really a choice.
I can feel this deep in my being, and while still reading "Adventures in the Afterlife" I can clearly feel the divide. I knew this beforehand and, just as I didn't blame the other kids in the dream, I don't blame the author for simply being of the other side. Regardless it's been interesting to read, but I must admit that to me it's getting more and more nauseating when again and again there is mention of "unconditional love", which to me just feels like "uncontrollable barf". And I've had the thought that this must be what is called the demiurge, and the way he baits his prey. I've heard elsewhere that the use of heroine evokes pretty much the same feeling of "unconditional love"...

In any case, yes I've learned something and the book does make sense to me to some extent, it's just that it tells only one side of the story. It tells of where I would never ever want to go, where I absolutely refuse to go, in this life or any other. If anything it has at least once more made me more certain than ever of what my nature is and where I thus belong. And I just wish so much I could find some books about lucid dreaming, out-of-body experiences, and the afterlife from a Satanic perspective. If there are any, I hope that some of my Satanic friends & brethren can possibly give me some recommendations!?

Also, I received some amazing gifts in the mail the other day for which I have to thank a very special person.
I've already put that fossilized shark tooth on an earring - it came with the wire wrapping but not the beads & earring. :)

Serpentine Path... under construction

Times have been somewhat challenging lately and not only has dreaming been difficult but in fact even sleeping has been so at times. I've been having a lot of dentist appointments after I discovered one of my wisdom teeth had partially broken away and I got no clue how it happened, I sure didn't notice when it did but it may have happened during the night. Then at the dentist's it turned out not only this one but also a second wisdom tooth will have to be extracted, plus a root canal is needed. I must admit I hadn't seen a dentist in a while and had fooled myself into believing that now that I got my warrior's body finally working quite well in all other respects, dental problems would also largely be a thing of the past. But of course, the body I inhabit is still that of a physically thoroughly degenerate species, the much I've tried my best to improve it, and years of bulimia during teenage were hard on my sadly very un-sharklike dentition. Well, there was nothing shark- or warriorlike about me back then.
Now, there's also the side effects of my testosterone injections requiring treatment, wherefore I'll have to ride to Cologne once more tomorrow - for a permanent hair removal session. Well, allegedly permanent - if it really were it shouldn't have to be repeated every half year or so.

On the bright side, I'm planning to visit the McFit gym downtown Cologne afterward of which I've heard it has some special features worth checking out, even if I don't think I'll be doing a full, serious workout there after riding the 20 miles to Cologne and still having to ride those 20 miles back too, which is a workout in itself.
My home gym is now under renovation since Monday but continually remains open - fortunately, since it's an inconvenient season for having to ride the longer way to the second gym in town all the time.
A lot else may be under renovation or reconstruction at this time, literally as well as figuratively.
Seen on some guy's t-shirt at the gym: "The road to success is constantly under construction."

Generally, this cold and dark season when you can't go out much ought to be a favorable time to look inward, and to finally get a grip on the trouble I have with my awareness. Knowing it's only the same trouble most people have, except that most don't even notice it as trouble. In fact, a far cry from being lucid in them, many can't even remember their dreams and it doesn't seem to bother them. But not remembering at all, which sadly also still happens occasionally, bothers me even a lot more than simply having bad, annoying (and non-lucid) dreams.
As some wise person said, "If we can't even retain our awareness in sleep, how can we hope to fare in death?"
This is exactly what's on my mind. Not that I'm planning on leaving for the next world so soon already, but it can always happen suddenly and one should always be prepared for all eventualities, including the Great Transition.

I finally found time to finish this drawing I meant to create, of a King Cobra, symbolizing the King of Kings, the Ancient Serpent.

King of Kings, the Ancient Serpent

An Amazon's Nightmares

So this amazon (me) received a parcel from Amazon yesterday, containing a new shark wall calendar for next year and a new book, "Adventures in the Afterlife" by William Buhlman. It's written as fiction about a man who dies and about where he finds himself thereafter, but based on the author's personal out-of-body experiences. The character in the book is a Christian who enters what appears to be the Christian heaven... I knew this beforehand but still found it interesting enough as to want to read the whole thing. Apart from that I still have to find any material about lucid dreaming or OBE's from a Satanic perspective - if anything of such nature exists I'd be most grateful for any information!

So far I'm standing alone, still alone with those haunted memories which in my nightmares come back alive. These aren't nightmares in the general understanding of the term, there's no fear involved, let alone any waking up screaming... they are simply very, very annoying, frustrating, and depressing.
In the above mentioned book, the character is greeted by his deceased mother right after he dies, and it is understood that people generally are welcomed by their relatives who have passed before them, and to many (especially Christians?) this may be a very comforting concept to be reunited with their loved ones.
The problem I have is that there is no love involved when it comes to the people I was born to, and that I need them to quit haunting me. I need to get rid of them once and for all, in dreaming as in waking.
In waking life I have long since achieved this. But in my dreams... this is another reason why I need to become lucid more than just on the odd occasion. I need to take control of this. I'm an adult warrior now and it is humiliating to continually be vexed and bothered by these people the way I was back as a child when I had to live with them. I'm finally in command of my waking life, and I now need to take command of my dreaming as well.

Haunted Memories

I've come to realize of late that some people may still assume that deep inside I may be just a scared little girl, a soft-hearted, sensitive creature hiding her vulnerability behind the facade of a hardcore bodybuilder and evil Satanist.
But you see, there's an old story, coming in many variations, of a lady going to a masked ball, perhaps a Halloween party, where she dances with a man wearing a mask of a scary monster. Then at midnight the party ends and everyone is supposed to take off their masks - and she discovers the monster had never been wearing one. In some versions he'll certainly kill the lady then, and possibly all other party guests as well, but this is irrelevant for my point.
My point is simply that just like him, I'm not wearing a mask.

Of course I haven't always been strong - it's very difficult while trapped in a wimpy and nearly entirely useless body. Living in isolation with zero connections and zero support didn't help either, I had to figure everything out for myself and so it took me a long time to, with Father Satan's help, finally rise from rock bottom where I had spent nearly the first two decades of my earthly existence crawling around like a worm. It sure wasn't a life, it was mere existence, and even that only barely, for the most part deprived of any route to better myself either physically or intellectually, and I did consider myself as good as dead. I had no mercy on the worm that I was, and I have no mercy on my former self in looking back now. But something in me kept fighting...

Trapped in that body of a maggot was the spirit of a predator.
When nowadays my peace of mind is disturbed so it's most often by the memories of those times of indignation. But I do still cherish the things that kept me going during those times...
Yesterday I discovered this beautiful fan video about Freddy Krueger. I dearly loved him back when I was 14 and when I wished so much I could be like him - everybody's nightmare, feared and pretty much invincible - and I do still love him now.

Of course, that was also around the time when I had first encountered my Master...

One of the metal albums I loved most was The Nocturnal Silence, by the same band that now lately came out with a song by whose title I feel being addressed personally - not me alone, of course, and yet it's only an elite few of us who have indeed stayed Satanic, and hereby I salute all those Brothers and Sisters in Satan!!!

Entering Eternal Sharkness

Only two days until Halloween - and only the 2nd entry for this month. Not as if nothing happened, in the contrary.
There were still a couple of fair days with balmy afternoons, but now we've entered the grim, freezing season, which is very difficult for me as I wasn't made for this brutally cold climate.

Lucky shot - it's a butterfly! :D

Nightfall.

 But the great news is, by the hand of a gifted artist I have entered eternal Sharkness!

Massive Great White on massive warrior's arm.

 The tattoo artist copied the design very precisely after the drawing I provided. At the instant of attack, a great white shark will roll their eyes back in order to protect them from possible counterattacks of the prey, this is why the shark's eye then looks white.

My original pencil drawing.

I'm really happy with the way my great white shark turned out!

The obsolescence of the "god or no god" question

While the ultimate goal of all earthly existence may be unknown and as of yet unknowable, how foolish is it to bluntly deny even the possibility of any goal. Is it just the fear of responsibility, and to preferably take the easy way out? "When I die I'll no longer exist, and so it will no longer matter what I've done and what I've failed to do in my life, I can no longer be responsible when I don't exist."
Or is it really the human arrogance of wanting to continually bask in the illusion of scientific omniscience?
Whatever it is, and no matter how much I despise the materialist dogma, I must admit that to some extent I can understand its adherents - for one single reason: Whenever the proponents of primal, non-physical consciousness, existing independently of matter and of physical brains, present their theories and evidence, more often then not there will come a point when the unfortunate and most unnecessary nonsense about god and love enters the picture.

These matters are extremely subjective, and being a Satanist, it is clear that my own values are of completely different nature. But when exploring questions about the nature of the universe, of consciousness, and of existence itself, such personal choices should be left out of the picture. Religion is always something personal, and my own is certainly not an exception. The materialists do have a point in that you can't have a scientific discussion when it always comes down to the "god or no god" question. They legitimately want to free themselves from the religious dogma which has prevailed for way too many centuries, and in this battle they have sadly seen it needful to replace it with a new dogma of their own.

The original meaning of atheism is to not believe in any gods. But by now if someone describes themselves as an atheist what they usually mean is that they are a materialist: someone who denies the existence of anything besides physical matter (including radiation, magnetic fields, nuclear forces, etc.), and they usually suggest hat those who believe in an afterlife must be altogether simple minds clinging to some religious myths. This is deplorable, but again, to some extent understandable, as long as most of those who research into non-physical phenomena will sooner or later throw their religious ideas in with it.

So... why is the possibility of non-physical consciousness, and thereby an afterlife, always thrown into a pot with god?!
This is where the problem is situated. When discussing consciousness, quit the bullshit about god and love!
God and love are a faith of personal choice, just as Satan and power are my own personal faith of choice.

I found this very interesting video yesterday, but sure enough, towards the end there's the god fallacy again.

Rupert Sheldrake, although of Christian confession, mentions religious concepts only very sparingly and in relatively neutral context in his very fascinating book The Science Delusion.
William Buhlman, in Adventures Beyond the Body, tells about environments in the non-physical interior of the universe which form a consensus reality shaped by the thoughts and beliefs of their inhabitants, such as the followers of a particular religion. Other regions are "unformed" and thought-responsive environments, and that it is of utmost importance to be able to control one's own thoughts.
Myself I'm far from able of doing this for now, but that's what I need to work on. My tentative conclusion so far is that our goal of being here is becoming.
Exactly what we will become is still beyond our comprehension, and yet it is a matter of our own choice. The path of a Satanist is different from other paths, and yet when forming theories about the ultimate nature of consciousness in general then we should leave personal paths out of the picture.

Rainbow, the other day