Today I'm a warrior, not a roll of TP

Today I'm a warrior, once again.
Of course I try to always be a warrior...

I meant to post again much sooner, still meant to write one about Anti-Natalism and my views on it but so far didn't get around; I also meant to finally (and very belatedly) post my Halloween song which I managed to record already but I'm not yet perfectly happy with it, plus I still need to write down the lyrics. All of this at some later time though; for today I'm just writing this brief post about my workout strategy - the psychological side.

I actually came up with this particular one ad hoc, right while I was on it, but it fits in the general picture.
I was running the treadmill once more today; I never do long cardio sessions but rather relatively short but hard ones, favoring high intensity intervals. Today it was 30 minutes and I hardly ever do any longer runs than this.

All in all there were 6 intervals of high speed, ~20 kph or above, the first 3 being a minute in length each, the latter 3 being only 30 seconds, with slower stretches (8 -12 kph) in between. The final interval would be the fastest at 23.1 kph and, hamstrings still sore from yesterday's good mornings, I told myself: "If you're a warrior you're gonna make it - if not and you have to slow down then you're a roll of asswipe!"

Fortunately I can report that I came out a warrior this time!

It's ok though to occasionally be a roll of asswipe for a while, as long as it's not most of the time. Occasionally it even should happen, because if it doesn't then it would mean the goals I'm setting for myself are not high enough and it's too easy.

The injured warrior, and Captain Janeway encounters the Demiurge

Even before the end of European daylight saving time, the first night of bitter frost is already behind.
I'm recovering from injury of which I don't even know how exactly it happened, just doing a dumb stretching move in between exercises. Before that, I had finally managed a 100 kg bench press once more, then incline bench press with 36 kg dumbbells. Then that dumb move which caused a brief pain in the shoulder, then it seemed ok again and I continued, flies with dumbbells, then flies on slings (not talking about insects here, just for the uninitiated: "flies" is the term for a chest exercise). Rode home, cooked lunch. Then in the afternoon the pain started. It was continuous, made it hard to sleep; the next day was worse. It was extremely challenging to change clothes, my left arm was pretty much immobile at the shoulder. The second night was worst, I moved from my bed into an armchair because in the sitting position I could rest my left hand on my thigh which gave at least a bit more support than when lying down - I even managed to sleep a bit.
The first day I hadn't been sure if I'd even be able to ride the bike, but it was possible and so I decided to ride to my doctor on Thursday. She quickly determined I had strained my bicep tendon - apparently badly.

I still bought some arnica ointment at a drugstore then and also took ibuprofen as advised by my doctor although it's been perfectly ineffective on the pain.
The injury happened last Tuesday and I wasn't back at the gym before Saturday for just some very lame 20 minutes on the treadmill and a single abs exercise, reverse crunches on the mat, the only one not requiring to hold my arms anywhere near my head. On Sunday I was back for a pretty much regular leg workout - no squats though as I couldn't hold a bar on my shoulders, and my hair annoyed me while running the treadmill as I was still unable to braid it. But I've been getting better each day since the weekend and am expecting to be back to normal soon.

So, what have I been doing with my time while going through this? Among other things, watching Star Trek episodes...
I came across one that struck me as particularly interesting in context to my background, it's a Voyager episode titled "Coda", and I could give it the subheading, "Captain Janeway Encounters the Demiurge". She appears to have died and is wandering among her crew without them being able to see her while her body is lying lifeless. That "demiurge" appears in the shape of her father...
I found an excerpt of the episode's most essential scenes.

This is exactly what the demiurge (AKA "god") is thought to do.
I'd like to hear the opinions of other Satanists on this... if there are any others who watch Star Trek. ;)
Why do I watch Star Trek? I sure don't share the Starfleet ideology, I'm a renegade... but somehow I've always enjoyed the show; the classic series not really, I'm probably too young for it, but The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. They're among the very, very few things I enjoyed during my tortured childhood.
Kathryn Janeway is my favorite Starfleet captain, and especially in scenes like the above when she's showing her iron strong willpower and determination. She sure is quite a bold fighter!

Rusty Harvest Moon

I know it's been a long silence again... it's been the doldrums.
I had planned another attempt to try and see the Milky Way for the first time in my life, this time from the island of Terschelling. I should have known it was a foolish plan because it's too late a season, but I was in denial of the bleak fact that summer is over and I had to cancel the trip. I think it's the first year in a decade that I haven't been to Amsterdam, and besides the brief overnight bike trip to the Eiffel region I haven't traveled at all this year - and now it's all too late unless I had the money to be able to travel very far south where there's still a bit of warmth, which of course I don't have. (In fact I'm still waiting for a refund from Deutsche Bahn for the canceled trip.)

At least I've seen the "Blood Moon" last night. I first woke up around 3 AM when the dark shadow had started engulfing the top part of the moon's disk. I slept for about another hour, I'd set the alarm for 4 AM to see the start of totality but was awake again a few minutes before the alarm. I watched from the window & balcony for a while, then some idiot neighbor switched on a very bright light outside that was extremely annoying, so I grabbed some long underwear, jacket, boots, gloves, and bike, and went out on the field path. Despite the awful light pollution around I had a pretty good view. The moon looked pretty nice, although a dull, rusty color instead of bright red or orange, but somehow I found myself actually looking more at Orion and the Pleiades, they looked so beautiful. The Swan (Cygnus) was nearly down, low above the western horizon; I could nearly sense again rising from that constellation's vertical axis and then on through Cassiopeia, that's where the band of the Milky Way had to be. With the moon shadowed, if only the surrounding street lighting and occasional headlights could have been blotted out - and with the sky so clear, I'd have been able to see it for real! Once again I couldn't help thinking, what a beautiful world this could be if only it weren't for the human infestation. If only I could choose I'd live in a remote, wild place with no light pollution and no human noise around, where I could see the Milky Way each night if the sky was clear. And also, where the coldest temperature would never fall below 50 F.

It was nearly 6 AM when I got back home but I still went to bed once more to try and warm up again under the blankets. It was already light outside when I got up again, around 7:20, and my hands were still icy.
I had a stupid dream too, about my "grandmother" asking me why the eclipse was already over, as my "mother" had told her it would last for half a year. It was pretty realistic that she might believe such a thing - she was that stupid indeed.
I put in the quotation marks because I don't recognize those people as my "family". I'm glad there's no more contact to any of them - those who remain alive - at least in my waking life. Just the annoying memories remain, and thus the dreams, which is another reason why I seek control of them.

My stargazing journey

This one hasn't been quite fulfilled yet. For so long I wanted to finally see the Milky Way for the first time in my life, and lately I found out there are a few select "dark sky locations" around my corner of Europe, one of them even at a distance still accessible by bicycle! That would be the Eifel National Park, an no wonder I hadn't known about it before as it had been established as a "Dark Sky Park" only as recently as last year.

From darksky.org

I had booked a night at a hostel in a town nearby there called Gemuend, and later canceled the reservation because of rain in the forecast for exactly that night, which would have been Sunday.
On Friday though the forecast still said perfectly clear skies for that night - so I took the decision to go. No hostel reservation - I've always found it so frustrating that you have to book weeks in advance to still get a place which is always a huge gamble with Germany's (as well as Holland's) completely unpredictable weather. When traveling to Amsterdam I may still find something to do on a rainy day, such as visiting the library or some book stores - but in this case it would have been absolutely pointless to travel since stargazing was the only purpose of my journey.

But I decided it would be better not to stay at any hostel - I wanted to watch the night sky, after all, so I'd have to be out during the night. Why pay for a hostel bed I wouldn't use? And getting back there in the middle of the night? I hate fumbling my way around unfamiliar places in the dark, being too tired to move around at all. So I'd rather pack my sleeping bag and stay put somewhere. Which is exactly what I did.

Screen shot from bikemap.net

I left Friday afternoon, having consulted some maps and bicycle route planners in the days before. I also still have a bike map of the region to take with me - yes I admit, having access to the interactive, online versions while on the road would be quite handy, but I don't have any mobile devices and am not planning to ever change this; I prefer the old-fashioned way. (Shouldn't paper maps get a lot cheaper now that hardly anyone uses them anymore??)

From cycle.travel

The first half of the route up to Euskirchen was easy as I'm familiar with it, it's only about 15 miles. I passed through and rode on. Closing in on that place called Mechernich it got steeply uphill; on that bike track next to a road through the woods I emptied my water bottle. "Mechernich 1 km," said a sign. Just one more kilometer and you can get some water again...
Not before riding back downhill. Then I was in the town and found a supermarket. I had to press on, it was nearly 6 PM already.

Near that place called Scheven came another climb. I could see a single white car parked at the top of the hill; there was nothing there but fields and meadows. I thought of staying there as I was tired. Then I saw the McDonald's sign by the next crossroads - get something to drink, save my bottled water for later! I ordered table water and orange juice. "Nothing to eat?" I was asked incredulously. All sweaty from struggling up the hill, perhaps I looked like I needed something. "Only water and orange juice," I said politely, not mentioning that I'd never consider their kind of "food" as such. But the orange juice was pure and with fruit pulp in it, surprisingly good even if very overpriced for the tiny bottle. I then used the restroom, brushed my teeth there for the night and also refilled my second, empty water bottle.

Ready to ride on I finally found the way to Gemuend, it was slightly downhill then for the most part. It was 8 PM by the time I reached the town, but of course I couldn't stay there, I had to get out of residential areas if I wanted to see the stars, and anyway I couldn't camp out in the street with my sleeping bag. So I found the road to that National Park - found it went steeply uphill, on and on and on; no bike track and no sidewalk, just a motorway through the woods, which was, to make matters worse, frequented by lots of annoying folks: motorbikers speeding noisily along like maniacs, and cars, likewise speeding, the stereo turned up with the horrible racket of party "music".
Nightfall was very close and, having been riding for 5 hours by then, I was at the end of my powers but the steep slope of the road stretched endlessly ahead. In my despair I prayed, "Father, Lord Satan, please let me find a place to rest now."

The only way I could see was off the road and straight into the woods, shouldering my bike and walking through the brambles. I was looking for a halfway flat and open place, and then eventually I spied a narrow lane of grass that looked like an overgrown access path used by a vehicle, but not recently. It ended at a small glade overgrown with grass, and some low shrubbery and brambles. There was a tall but dead looking broom shrub near the center; I leaned my bike against it and settled next to it. I was far enough off the road, couldn't see any headlights from here, and it was just in time before it would have been too dark. There was still some distant noise from that damned road and also from the town, sadly it was a Friday night when people must be expected to be particularly annoying... but it was 9 PM by then and I hoped it would get more quiet soon.
I found a huge, black beetle on my backpack which I shooed away. I made myself comfortable looking down the slope toward the south where the waxing crescent moon was still up between the trees, which I knew was due to set by 11:30 PM. Soon I could spot a first star overhead, right by the swirling branches of that broom shrub next to which I was settled. Some small bats were flying to and fro above the glade and I enjoyed to watch them.

Then the constellation Cygnus was right above. I kept watching and waiting for the moon to set. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping much anyway even though the noise from the road and town had fortunately died down for the most part. The starry sky was indeed magnificent, much clearer than I'd ever seen it, but I didn't get to see the Milky Way. At times I wasn't sure whether or not there was some faint glow along the Cygnus constellation but I thought I was probably imagining it.
In the course of the night I did see three meteors though!

I slept very little and with many interruptions. Something was rustling very close to, or even underneath, the head of my sleeping bag. I tried changing position and keeping the sleeping bag tied as closely as possible to keep the bugs out. I had brought a flashlight with me and even spare batteries for it, but I didn't use it even a single time all night.

The catastrophic light pollution in this corner of Europe.
Just above where it says "Nationalpark Eifel"
(underlined in orange) is that tiny dark area I had to find.

Eventually the stars faded and I could see the two little bats circling again. When sitting up in my sleeping bag, a large insect hopped on its head part which I quickly swept away - having barely seen it it that split second I think it may have been the big black beetle from the previous night, which possibly also was responsible for the rustling noises during the night. I got up at 6 AM and ate a bread roll with honey for breakfast which I had bought in Euskirchen the day before. I saw the broom bush wasn't quite as dead as it had seemed at dusk, part of it had been broken by another fallen tree but another part was still alive and carrying black seed pods, I picked two of them.
Then I gathered up my sleeping bag which had served well to keep me warm overnight. I had been riding in only a tank top most of the way, only just before reaching Gemuend I had put on a sweater. Now I had to put on the additional clothes I had brought, and also the gloves, as it had gone down into the 50's. I put on my backpack, shouldered the bike after securing the sleeping bag on its carrier again, and tried to find my way back down to the road which proved to be longer and more challenging than I had remembered it from the night before.

Having eventually arrived on the road I mounted my bike and started rolling downwards, down and down, taking several bends... realizing  how long and steep it was, no wonder I'd felt I couldn't take any more of it when trying to ride up here the previous night after my 5 hour ride!
The town of Gemuend looked peaceful, even sleepy now, deserted by all the noisy crowds of the previous night - the reason I cherish early mornings. However, all I wanted now was to get home, and there were about 40 miles with a bunch of steep hills between me and home which I didn't feel quite ready to tackle again. I decided to take a train but couldn't find the station, so I needed to find someone to ask directions. I found a man carrying out newspapers in the otherwise deserted streets, he was friendly and informed me Gemuend didn't have a railroad station at all and that the nearest one was in the town of Kall, about 7 km away. So I rode there, and in that even more deserted appearing town I found a lonesome, early jogger to ask the way to the station once more. He was also very friendly and I somehow had the distinct impression he recognized me as a fellow athlete.I easily found the station from the directions he have me. The place selling tickets was still closed, a sign with the opening times said it was open from 8 AM on Saturdays. I checked my watch - only about 10 minutes until then, and across a large parking lot was a supermarket which looked already open - time to get some more breakfast! I bought a bottle of diet coke and a bunch of bread rolls, and when I got back the ticket place had opened in the meantime.

I had to change trains in Euskirchen which took a while since the first train to arrive there wouldn't go on its journey, apparently because of defect brakes. All passengers were sitting on board waiting around for about 10 minutes. The driver and a technician were checking something inside a box mounted behind a seat, and as they had closed the box and made their way back to the front of the train the technician said to the driver something like, "I'd never in my life ride with this, Juergen!" Wow... that sounded quite severe. And just briefly thereafter the announcement came over the speakers, asking all passengers to get off the train and walk over to the next platform where a substitute train would be arriving shortly, which it did and there was no further incident then.

When searching for some star charts later at home I found out that the Milky Way would indeed be found where had thought to be seeing that faint glow, nearly perfectly aligned along the "vertical axis" of the Cygnus constellation.

Overhead the Crows

That's the title of my newest song which I recorded yesterday, for the first time with more than one track, including harpsichord, bass, e-guitar, pipe organ, piccolo (all played on my keyboard), and my vocals.
I worked a long time on it, just the right kind of project to fill a rainy day.

I first conceived of the song in a dream over a year ago, in the dream I think it was only "and overhead the crows are whirling," over and over again, is all I remembered then. It sounded much like played on a harpsichord. Back then I only wrote one short verse to it, but now I completely reworked and extended the lyrics to contain much of the theme of that dream.

Overhead the Crows (lyrics)

My music project is coming along

I've kept myself busy with keyboard practice lately and also did a few more recordings.

But besides the videos, I also downloaded a free audio recording program called Audacity which is pretty neat and I can recommend it. It has enabled me to record audio tracks of my songs now; I finished three so far, plus one instrumental version, which I uploaded to Soundcloud and put them in a playlist. (<- find="" p="" right="" them="" there.="">
At this early time I'd say they're still in a pre-demo stage, but nonetheless a good friend of mine took so great a liking to them that she created a page for me on last.fm right away (description text by myself).
This may be quite a bit premature as I started at absolute zero just about a month ago but well, I'll try my best to do honor to it.

I never played an instrument before and I can't read musical notation, I'm simply "learning by doing". As I'm a complete autodidact and taught myself virtually everything I know, at least this general process is  something I'm quite familiar with.

So the plan to proceed is: create & practice more new songs, and as I get more proficient I'll eventually also record better versions of the ones I have so far.
All video and audio files are completely unedited, I simply hit "record" and played and sang along. My friend who created the last.fm page for me encouraged me to stick with this procedure and I think I will, although the Audacity program does allow for mixing multiple separate tracks, editing them, adding effects, etc.
I may give these functions a try since I'm curious by nature - but I'm also kind of old-fashioned in some ways, I feel too much use of technology may be detrimental to true skill and creativity.
My friend, who knows a lot about music, said that nowadays you will only know whether a musician is really skilled if you hear them live - because all the mixing & editing allows completely untalented people to sound talented. So I prefer to simply hit "record" ad basically play live.

I like to write like this.

Stranger to the Law Divine - II

I can play the song now while singing along.
Ok, it's a rather easy one to play, my first one, and it could probably be played in more advanced ways one day. But it's progress!

 

Stranger to the Law Divine - lyrics

I'm working on my next one already which is quite a bit more difficult to play. Getting there.

Other than this there's little progress, or actually there is but I'm on my own - and used to it.
Finished with my last orthopedist who was a charlatan, to put it very mildly.
I tried to talk to him about my findings but only got to hear, "Dr. Google won't help you."
Obviously this person has no concept whatsoever of how information works! Granted, he studied medicine and all, but that doesn't give him a license to insult another person's intellect - an intellect which, I daresay, is quite likely to be superior to his own since back when my IQ was tested - NOT by "Dr.Google" but professionally in the psychiatry when I was about 13 years old - I learned that only 2% of humanity possess an IQ higher than 130 and mine turned out to be 142. If the percentage has changed in the intervening decade and a half then it would likely be even lower now since the human species has greatly increased in quantity since, but certainly not in quality...

My intellect has usually proven perfectly adequate to evaluate information, in particular information that is very relevant to my personal life and health, which obviously is less than relevant to this lousy doctor.
In the end it was "Dr. Google" that saved my life, or rather saved me from losing much, much worse than only my life. The lousy orthopedist told me I'll probably have to live with my back pain and simply take painkillers as needed. I told him Ibuprofen and Diclofenac have no effect on it, and he prescribed me some sh*t called Meloxicam. Of course I informed myself about it - and found it can cause rapid weight gain as a side effect!!! I immediately returned it to the pharmacy. I have no words for how this bloody quack could have ruined my life in the worst ways imaginable!!!

It would be far, far preferable to die right here at this moment than to ever lose any bit of what I worked so hard for, all my life! Any amount of pain is preferable over taking the risk of such horrendous possible side effects!

I'm pretty convinced by now that the problem is with my left sacroiliac joint. Awareness alone of this may already help a bit, and so does warmer weather, and above all, faith.
In the end, it may not be related to my heavy lifting starting at very young age; there are some indications that I might have a disease. But in the end it makes little difference for now; at an early stage it couldn't be diagnosed directly, and I'll in any case just keep living the life of a warrior until it must end in the same way.
I will only ever become more and better than I am now, regression is unacceptable and is ruled out.
In the end it is another trial to prove that I have to, as always, take things into my own hands - this, and faith, is all! I can only ever trust in Father Satan and in myself, all else is fallacious.

~~

Working on a new song already, here's a preview of my practice.