Personal biases & freedom of religion

In previous posts I've often discussed the viewpoint of consciousness as fundamental vs. the one of reductive materialism, and since I'm convinced of the former I've tried to take apart the latter. Among other things I've discussed the strange phobia of infinity as a possible motivation for many materialists to reject the idea of an eternal existence.

So it may be time to finally scrutinize my own personal biases. I think it's been in the making for a while, somewhere beneath the surface of my awareness. I guess that's how the dream story of my previous entry originated; it came up to tell me some things about myself:

So far I must have sounded as if I just desperately want to survive physical death.
To an extent that may be true, for the reason that this life can always ever be a makeshift compromise to me, as I hate being trapped in an ape body and I don't really belong here, so I hope for a life in which I can at last really be myself. But that last bit is really crucial: a life in which I can at last be myself!

Meaning I'm not as desperate to keep existing as some of those transhumanists who hope to in the future overcome death by cryonics or mind-uploading. I would under no circumstances even consider such options, if they were options. If I'm right and consciousness is non-physical then such methods probably can't ever work - but let's suppose here that I'm wrong and the materialists are right and that it would work. No, I wouldn't even consider it for myself, because existence to me would be absolutely pointless under those circumstances.

Even if there were then something like a Holodeck, which would at that point be pretty much a certainty - in case of mind-uploading you'd already be inside a virtual environment anyway. I've never been really interested in any of that. I've never even played video games of any kind.
The only kind of "holodeck" I've ever been interested in is the one in my mind. I already have that, I don't need any other. But that one in my mind works with things that are real, or that come from something real. Something I deeply believe to be real - and if it were not then there would be no place for me in this universe, would never have been and could never conceivably be in any future.

On the other hand, let's consider now that I'm right and consciousness is primal. Even in that case, if there were still the possibility of a final death of the soul and thereby henceforth nonexistence, there would be circumstances under which I'd be willing to give up my existence, things that matter more than my continued existence. It would be the ultimate sacrifice, but if justified I'd be ready to do it.
There's some saying like, "What is worth living for if you have nothing you'd be ready to die for."
I think that's true, as demonstrated in the story of the previous entry. (Don't read that, I wasn't even sure whether to publish it.)

I may be generally a cold, cold fish by nature (a shark, I guess?) who stoically perceives the world around her with mere scientific curiosity. But I do have passion inside me, most of the time hidden very deeply, but it goes all the way to uncharted depths, and it is of devoutly religious nature, it is the Black Flame of Satan burning in my soul. This Black Flame is what matters far more than my life, whether this current one or any life to come. All I've ever loved in my life is of Satan. Without my religion, what would be left of me? All that is dear to me is connected to it.

I know and I don't mind to admit that in this I have a lot in common with devout Christians and other religious people. They and I may be looking at life from opposite sides, yet I'm sure they also wouldn't want to have taken away from them what they hold most dear, their religion - even though most of them still have families and strong social relations since that's part of their religious values. I have only my Master - "only"? Well, to me the whole universe means nothing next to him!

So maybe it's not really that important to find evidence.
Some materialist atheists are trying so hard to convince everyone of their views they come over as if feeling we religious folks were missing out on something. From my point of view, we're in fact missing out on a whole lot of nothingness and utter meaninglessness. Why would the atheists mind that? It means they can have more of it for themselves... (LOL)

But yes, nothingness may also be something to believe in. I think they're fooling themselves in thinking it were even possible not to believe in anything at all - believing in Nothing is still a belief, after all!
And everyone should have the freedom to believe in Nothing, as well as to deny Nothing and to believe in something else instead.

In any case, if the atheists are right it means the universe is going to a whole lot of trouble to bring everything and everyone just from nonexistence back to nonexistence.

40%

The winter has been brutal so far although I can be grateful that there was hardly any snow while it remained freezing so that, while certainly unpleasant to ride my bike through the crippling cold, at least I could do it untroubled by road conditions. I have to get to the gym somehow after all and besides the weights also had to do all my running there on the treadmill.
So I'm glad that the winter is finally toning it down a bit to a more reasonable level and I could finally go running outside once more today. I picked that steep road up the hill and the trail through the woods from there, but I was a bit shocked once I made it to the top of the hill to still find some snow covering the meadows!
There's none on the fields down here. According to bikemap.net it's a 100 meter difference in elevation - I didn't expect that to make so much difference in climate. I could feel the slightly paralyzing effect of the cold on my muscles, but in the end I was only a minute slower than last time I ran the same route.
I had to think of the saying I once read and will always remember since it's most appropriate for a warrior to know:

"When you think you're done you're actually only about 40% done."

After all,I have to remember whose warrior I am. I call Him Father, which makes me His daughter (metaphorically speaking), and which means I owe Him unrivaled greatness!
-

Winter is the doldrums, but I've also started writing a story again, another personal, daydreaming one (even though I do most of my daydreaming in the night when I can't sleep). It's not finished, and I'm not sure if I'll publish any of it here once it is. Some parts of it perhaps, along with some real insight it has given me about myself.
I think I've experienced a slight mind shift lately through what is basically a fantasy I've been occupied with.

I actually meant to write next about some personal biases of mine which I realize I have regarding the argument between the primacy of consciousness and the reductive materialist view.
I'll elaborate further on this in the future, but the main point is that so far I've always criticized very harshly that there seems to be little to no middle ground between materialist atheism on one side and some religious bias on the other - even if not necessarily religion in a traditional sense, but those arguing for the primacy of consciousness (thus, on my side) most often end up talking about god, "source" (basically the same as god), unity, empathy, "we're-all-one", etc.
I continually stand by my criticism of this, of course, since there very obviously have to be alternatives to such narrow views.

What I've failed to mention though, even though it should be most obvious, especially to myself, is that certainly I am most deeply and devoutly religious. It's even in the title of this blog - and I'm not a "Satanist" because I like scary music or want to be cool or badass or whatever. I'm not a LaVeyan idiot but a real, actual Satanist, one who worships Satan.
Why do I worship Satan? Why would I if not out of true and deepest devotion! Out of love - the only love I've ever had, because all that I've ever loved in my life is of Satan, because I could sense some of His essence in it - the ferocious, the predatory, the untamed wilderness, the warrior spirit, my spirit...
I have no love but Satan, and no other meaning to my existence besides Him.
For Him alone I'm living my life, and for Him alone I'll be dying my death.

Friday the 13th

...usually considered a very favorable day by us Satanic folks.
The year has started ok for me, that is to say as good as any can be expected in these latitudes. And that's the real problem: no year ever starts out really good in Germany, since they all start out with brutal f'ing winter!
Yeah, I can appreciate the black metal "grim northern winter" image to some extent - artistically, esthetically, and yes, my heart is still colder than that. But this seems to have very unfavorable effects on my biology, my body can handle cold temperatures extremely poorly, and cold temperatures are anything below 80 F, let alone below 60 and even worse...
But worse than all of this is that I absolutely depend on a bicycle for transportation. I will ride it in rain and in subzero temperatures. But when road conditions make it impossible, my life comes completely off its hinges!

The forecast is threatening just such a case for this weekend. So I rode downtown today while I could and bought a ticket for the streetcar just to be safe. It was freaking expensive (€ 7.50) for only 2 short rides to the gym and back, but if need be it will get me there. The streetcar stop is just a mile's walk from here. I could save on rides by fully walking one way, which is between 3 and 4 miles. In any case I'll keep riding as long as I can...

I also started running outside again much more often, usually between 4 and 6 miles, ideally about once a week, but picking days that are at the very least mid 30s. (So no, that's not an option to get to the gym in snowy conditions, 1) too cold, 2) I can't run well in snow boots, and most importantly 3) I'd have to carry shitloads of clothes to change which makes it quite impossible!)

So yeah, I really can't wait for the f'ing winter to be over already.

I got some new gear I won't be able to wear for a long time until then...

...and I've been making new jewelry that I don't wear because I'm not the type to wear this, and I can't sell it either because apparently no one would be willing to pay a reasonable price for it, which is the reason why my shop is closing very soon now,since DaWanda is starting to charge listing fees, and since I never sell anything I'm not ready to pay that. I've tried for nearly 5 years!

But I'm still making this stuff because I can, and maybe I'll find some friends to give it to.

And a new FB cover pic, although my current one is the "Happy NUKE Year" fireworks. :D

The final evening

One last time in 2016, dusk is falling, and the golden horizon looks beautiful from behind the window... it's been a cruelly cold day though, barely climbing into the 30s, and will be a brutally cold night. I'll be staying right here, watching fireworks from my balcony as usual on New Year's Eve. It's not a season to leave shelter overnight, not for me.

I've heard many complain that 2016 wasn't a good year, but to me it wasn't that bad. Much better than 2015 when I suffered those severe back problems - severe for a young warrior like me anyway, but once more I learned not to trust in the opinions of doctors but to trust in Satan instead.

Sadly the winter will still last for a long time when the new year has come, but hopefully it will leave when it's due to leave according to the calendar. The winter of 2016 lingered all the way throughout June and into July, that's what I disliked about the year. But my health has been much better again than the year before.

The journey continues, steadily on toward more power and clarity, and what more could I wish for also for the coming year. More milestones in my physical performance, and also spiritual progress on the path of Black Flame and cold heart, and unbending intent of a warrior. Onward I shall march with all my devotion to Satan, and Him I wish to serve in everything I do, each of my days.

Ad Majorem Satanae Gloriam!

Extraterrestrial, and free of parasites

Only three days to the solstice now, and then another ten and the year will be done.
The coming year 2017 for me will mark a happy 10 year anniversary of being parasite free!
Not of lice or tapeworms or any other small bugs, but the noxious type of psychic vampires otherwise known as "family". 10 years of free thinking without this toxic burden polluting my waking life - just the troubled dreams are still quite frequent.

Free thinking... the sad thing is, I even thought I was doing that before while still afflicted with those leeches.It took me a long time to break free, and it's probably still in progress. There are other patterns of indoctrinated thinking to rid oneself of, it's a task that's never really done.

My rebellion started early, and although a worthy and necessary thing, rebellion may often lack direction when born out of sheer desperation.

I'm an alien from outer space who ended up in a human body by accident.
This is what I used to profess perfect conviction of when I was 13 years old. I never really believed it was true although I desperately tried to convince myself that it was true because in a way it was my only hope, and I would never admit to anyone then to have even the slightest doubt that it was true.

The weird thing is, in some way it even is the truth - of course not literally, but in a metaphorical way it's still closer to the truth than I'd ever have imagined back then. My "family" wanted me to be one of them but I wasn't, and it was the last thing in the world I wanted to be!
So I chose to be an alien because that's what I was and am. But back then I didn't know the difference between literal and metaphorical; I was existing in some awful hole exiled from the world about which I didn't know anything much then. I had no one to talk to, let alone to learn from, and no one to ever take me seriously, so it didn't matter at all what I told them or whether they'd think I was insane, I was completely on my own either way.
And that I was trapped in a body that was absolutely unacceptable to me, nothing could ever have been more true than that!

When thinking back it remains an unintelligible conundrum how I could ever have eventually found my way out of that tremendous mess, that utter disaster, which was then my existence (and certainly not a life).
But the conundrum appears to my rational mind only, the part that has learned a scientific way of thinking with its continual demand of evidence. But some varieties thereof are inaccessible to this way of thinking, they only can be found internally and are incommunicable to the outside world.

For instance, do colors really exist? Reductive materialist science says they don't: They're only our brains' interpretation of different wavelengths of light. But how do you measure those wavelengths?
Sure, there are instruments to do it with, but how can we know the measurements of these instruments, or know even the instruments themselves? When all we can ever really know is our brain's interpretation of the instrument, as well as of the measurements taken by it!

Of course, these are not new ideas that haven't ever been thought before by anyone, and yet they are important realizations.
It is as important as ever to question everything, all the stuff presented as self-evident when in fact it is not.
Here's to continually freeing the mind...

HAIL SATAN!

Female serial killer

I awoke in the night, about 1:30 AM, from a very interesting dream.
The serial killer was held at some institution which didn't resemble a jail very much, unless perhaps a very advanced version of the future or simply of that non-physical realm. Locks and bars were entirely absent; the institution consisted of a complex of concrete buildings but the girl was located outside of them. There only were massive numbers of micro cams everywhere, not even really hidden as they glowed faintly green in the dark.
Perhaps it was just a visiting area, but it consisted of an arrangement of sofas and comfortable chairs in an open air setting,sparsely lit under twilight skies on some remote hill.
I got there with a group of other visitors - journalists? psychologists? - who all timidly settled on one side of the arrangement of sofas while the girl sat on the other side. They were terrified of her.
I didn't sit with them. Instead I circled around and approached her from the other side.
The girl was very young, no older than 20, short curly hair, light brown skin, very pretty. I greeted her, talked to her, said how all this security around here would drive me so nuts I'd feel obliged to flip the bird to those cams all the time, which I did. She smiled at me, seemed to like me or at least to find me amusing - the least I could do for her, to make her understand I was on her side. I sure liked her a lot.
But unfortunately I woke up before she could answer me. Only then I really noted the fact that she hadn't been one person but an at least five-fold presence - the group of other visitors sitting on one side, separated from the "group" of her. All her identical, quintuple representations smiled at me as I alone was walking into her midst with my antics. She was wearing a neon-pink shirt with something printed on it - all five of her were wearing that, of course - and it looked much like a summer shirt I have in waking life, printed on it is a skull and in letters shaped like bones the words "LIVE FREE OR DIE".
I think that's what she was wearing, and the statement matches - she actually appeared very much in control of the situation and the others had good reason to be scared, she was very dangerous and they couldn't really confine her.

This dream, although too short, made me feel really good, it came like the answer to my yesterday's frustration about all that white-light bullshit. For here was a person who was living proof that the darkside is also represented and very powerful out there, beautiful, aloof, and absolutely terrifying.

...all else is just crap

Although we have a new president by now and things are mildly interesting (but don't bug me with politics), there's nothing new really in my world. I'm still on my same quest, yet hitting all but dead ends in seeking spiritual advancement, as all the paths I come across are headed in the wrong direction and therefore to be shunned.

After getting a recommendation on Amazon for a book about OBE (out-of-body experiences) I researched  that author and found a video in which he talked about his experiences and his path; I watched the whole nearly 1 hour video (which was only part 1 of 2) and afterward I felt nearly physically sick.
I don't blame the man for simply being who he is, but myself being who I am that basically makes us completely different species, in a spiritual sense, his path being the opposite of my own, and I simply can't help feeling sick whenever coming up against that white-light, compassion and one-ness stuff.

This is such a dead end, there is nothing for me in it. Even though he did mention that all of reality is so much vaster than the tiny fraction of it that we experience, a statement I fully agree with, all the rest sounded as if there was just his one narrow, one-dimensional path to go, one of subservience and self-denial and, although he never expressly mentioned God, I'm under the impression to say, of utterly shameful submission to that tyrant.
There are a number of similar publications out there, all apparently of the same movement, and for the sake of curiosity and "the more you know" I've read a few.

The video left me feeling agitated and depressed.
So where do I turn? Where do I find help? There can be only one answer, the one that has always been: SATAN.
And this is the one positive aspect about it all: At least this much is above and beyond any doubt. The more I see and learn of the other side, the more glaring the certainty that my own spiritual home and refuge is with Satan. Everything that's worthwhile is of Satan or at least has some of His powerful essence within; all else is just crap.

So instead of posting the video lecture here (the author's name is Jurgen Ziewe, if interested you can easily find him) I'll be leaving this beautiful song here which soothes my soul and makes me feel much better.