No, I'm not a woman!

I've discussed here in some earlier post my being asexual and also gender-nonconforming - which I have learned by now are two things that don't even necessarily always go together, but in me they do.
I'm no longer overly sensitive about these issues (Me, sensitive? Sounds quite ridiculous anyway - ever seen a sensitive war machine! LOL) since I'm overall quite satisfied with the way I've been able to shape this war machine that is my body.
But sometimes when such gender matters are brought up I feel compelled to speak out,not only on my own behalf but also that of others who may be trans or gender-nonconforming.

And today I saw a meme with the following text on Facebook:

"Transgendered people want to be accepted for who they are, yet they weren't able to accept themselves for who they were?"

My first and very to-the-point reaction:
That's bullshit - you are not your body.

And there we're also into the materialist problem again.

I've always seen myself as apart from my body since I never seemed to have much of a choice in this.
In the past I absolutely HATED my body, more than any words could ever convey. It was a horrible struggle to eventually make all the necessary adjustments to be able to halfway feel at home in it.
Note the expressions "at home", as in a house/shell/vehicle,and most importantly, "in" it.

Never in my life have I ever hated myself - I hated the body I was trapped in!

My friend who had made the original post then commented the following:
" And you're STILL 100% female...just the polar opposite of a girly girl. The fact that you've chosen the path of the warrior does NOT change your gender. You're an EXTREMELY rare type of woman, but you are a woman. There's no shame in being a woman, especially such a strong willed, strong bodied woman. Quite the opposite."

I replied:
" I can see you're meaning well, but it's simply not true. Not even my body is 100% female since I've been taking testosterone injections for over a decade, with side effects on my voice, my body hair, including facial hair (I got various pairs of tweezers since I use them many times each day). The only thing remaining 100% female is my DNA.
But none of these things is "me". The part that will remain after my body dies, that's the actual me, and it has no gender. I (my soul) has never been a woman and never will be."

- And this is the way it is.
I'm glad my body is pretty awesome now, at least for a f***ing human.

I like it the way it is now - scars and all. I always wished to be a monster, and that's what I am.

"What's that coming over the hill? ..." - It's me. LOL

It doesn't matter

I saw some bullshit TED talk on Youtube today, regarding consciousness. Bullshit because it ended with "when consciousness eventually ends..."
Consciousness doesn't end! Because it's fundamental. Someone else was quoted in the comments: "Your consciousness is not in your head - your head is in your consciousness."
Indeed, that's more like it.

The good thing is, if I should be mistaken it doesn't matter, because in that case absolutely nothing will ever have mattered. I'd just hate to have gone through it all for nothing, but at that point it wouldn't matter anymore. So what could possibly go wrong...

...that's what they always say.
It's not this simple. Faith is everything, and to cop out by saying "if I'm wrong it doesn't matter" is not faith.
Then again, to question everything is also part of this path.


Random: I love this album so much although I don't understand a word of it. But the music is glorious, including the intro. (I do understand that "Per Aspera ad Pestilentiam" means as much as the breath leading to pestilence.)
Give me visions of Hell to put my mind at ease. I'll be at home there.

Reaching out to monsters

Welcome to Hell.
I walk alone in the darkness because alone in the darkness is where I belong.
All else is bullshit - it's not even a compromise, it's even less than that, it's bullshit only, and I'm done bullshitting myself.

Yes, I'd like to have someone I could talk to, I mean really talk to, someone at least remotely like myself, but such people don't exist. People like me don't exist. But then for some reason I got this irrational belief that I do exist...

If your heart is black and your blood runs cold, you may be the kind of person. Do you enjoy visuals of murder and mangled corpses? Do you feel you are deep inside what they commonly call a psychopath or even a monster? Sounds lovely to me...
If you're of Satan and you have a deep loathing of humanity, I want to know you.

It sure would help a lot if you also had a basic understanding of things like space time and quantum mechanics - no equations or highly technical stuff,I don't understand that either, but just a general conceptual grasp of things. Having a reasonable level of intellect. Unlike the majority of the crowd commenting on the Bestgore posts... those can be entertaining to read, but nothing more.

I don't care what your age, race, or gender is, nor where you live in the world. It's possible nowadays to communicate instantaneously regardless of distance, and simply to communicate deeply is good enough for me. A long-distance friendship is still a friendship, and a true, deep friendship is probably more than I should realistically hope for. But you see, even monsters may wish to have some kindred souls to talk to.
Even a monster may wish to find a friend.

At this point I may want to emphasize the word FRIENDSHIP.
No matter who you are and no matter your gender: Anything sexual is 100% RULED OUT! I'm not into that stuff, never have been and never will be. I'm asexual.

Other than that I'm very tolerant. If, for instance, you get aroused by dead animals as Jeff Dahmer did and you'd like to talk about that, no problem at all. We can talk about anything. From heartless monster to heartless monster.

Do heartless monsters even care? Well, I am one, and I know I might, so.

I may be not good at this friendship thing though, at least initially, or I don't know if it's me. I'm very introverted. I do know some few other Satanists online, but for some reason no one has ever seemed to wish any closer contact to me. But I guess it's rather that they already have other friends and/or even family.
Myself I don't, and I'm sick of always only ever posting bullshit on Facebook.

HAIL SATAN!

Trinity Day

~ Some people laughed; some people cried; most people were silent.
~ Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.
(Robert Oppenheimer about Trinity Test.)

On this day 72 years ago, the sun rose twice at White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico.
That first sunrise at 5:29 AM was the birth of the Atomic Age.

That was more than 40 years before I was born, but worth commemorating. I'd have liked to have a piece of Trinitite, that green glass the desert sand was turned into by the immense heat of the Trinity explosion.
They're still around, those Trinitites, but then again, I wouldn't even have a Geiger counter to ascertain it's real.

I do have reading material, of course!

I just found a cool video about the Trinity Site. I'd totally wear such a "Radioactive Materials" shirt! :D

(I don't know why they show only the photo of that Fat Man bomb casing for nearly 3 minutes at the end, actual video ends after minute 6.)

Found another beautiful nuke test compilation! (The first one is fake though, trust me, I know.)
Couldn't find a direct link, when I search for nuclear explosions etc., there's just tons of video game Scheiße coming up. Games are stupid, I want the real thing. LOL

The Destroyer of Worlds

Things are in upheaval lately.
There's a need to dispel confusion, for that's what it's been for me mostly; some friends were not so lucky, health problems, injury. Myself I've been fine actually, but getting disproportionately affected by, well, bullshit.

So this guy at the gym today asked me why I'd been doing my treadmill sprints "uphill", and I told him about that 10/10 treadmill challenge (10 mph at 10% incline) where it said if you do under a minute you're a rookie, at least a minute you're a pro athlete, and 2 minutes you're an all-star. How ashamed I've been that despite practicing for a long time now I still didn't even crack the 1 minute mark. And then this guy says, "but you're not a professional." So I am NOT a pro athlete - seriously, WTF??!!!
"What am I, then?" I asked. In the end he said, "Ok, I'll better shut up now." Yeah, a bit late sadly. No idea about this guy, he always seems friendly, but only yesterday I met him and he asked, "Did you lose a lot of weight?" I may not be as perfectly ripped as I'd like to be, but I'd think I got less than a kilogram of body fat left, meaning if I lost a lot of weight I'd require euthanasia since it's all muscle mass and I sure can't afford losing any of that. But so, apparently I'm not a pro athlete but just some fat pig who needs to lose a lot of weight but goes to the gym "only as a hobby", as he suggested.
Hobby - my ass! I found this extremely insulting.

But it's just some bullshit, and it's even more bullshit to feel depressed about it. Anyway, I already hate that word "feel"... it's something that should be avoided, it usually only causes needless trouble. Which is why it's better to simply be a war machine.
All cold steel, I shit bullets...

But when I start that "feeling" bullshit... it's the very thing put into question.
I can brag like a dozen drunk sailors, like 10 dozen drunk sailors, like 10 battalions of drunk sailors...
But can I ever really be good enough?
With what little time I got left.

Yesterday I got into a different argument with the friend of a friend, that one about religion. That girl was showing her tattoos and so I showed mine, including the one on the inside of my forearm that I made myself as a kid, the "SATAN" one. She laughed at that one!
I'm bad at talking to people, for too little practice. Writing has always come to me much easier. We kind of sorted it though. But I had to think about how problematic these kind of people are, who can't take anything seriously, disrespectful even of things that are sacred.
And then I realized why that is, and how it may be best confronted.
Look them in the eye and tell them the truth:

You are too scared to face the fact that you'll die!
This is why you're trying to make a joke of everything. In fact you're dying right now, in a long, slow process that has already been set in motion, that was predetermined from birth.
We're all doomed by the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Entropy is relentless.
And maybe everything's just going to shit.
You can pretend it's not happening, but only for so long.

The only thing you can possibly hold against this is the conscious act of becoming.
This ephemeral incarnation is your chance to do this. It's what I must do.
This is exactly the reason why it's said that you ought to be careful what you wish for. I was really told so, or read it somewhere, I don't remember where I first heard it.
Express what you are, and your true will and intent.
What I truly desire...
TRANSCENDENCE.

If I had to choose one song to represent me, this one would make for a perfect choice.

To Become Death

...the Destroyer of Worlds.

Alignment

Someone on FB spoke about Saturnian energies prevalent at this time. I pay too little attention to these things to be able to tell, distractions in this day and age are manifold, many things to learn about, and so much exhausting work(out) to be done each day. But yes, I think I may be subconsciously very receptive to the Saturnian energies as well and may have been feeling them, in an emphasized attraction to death and darkness which have always slumbered deep at the roots of my being, even when I was a child, and long before I knew my Master - although he may quite possibly already have known me then.
An inexhaustible well of poison has always rested in those roots, so eager to invenomate the world; those roots of mine which could never find anything else to anchor to and thus grew all the way down into Hell.

Still I struggle with my ingrained scientific world view on the one hand and on the other with those trying to pass off some tame, benevolent and even humanitarian ideas for Satanism.
The former which torments me with doubts about the one and only relationship that matters in my life - the one and only relationship that has ever existed in my life, really - and the latter which only makes me need him the more since he is the one who holds the truth.
He and I are in alignment.

No, there's absolutely no such thing as "Satanic Rules" - that shit was made up by LaVey and his pseudos, none of which has anything remotely to do with Satanism. "Satanic" and "rules" are mutually exclusive, and most of those rules are as un-Satanic as can be. From the spiritual aspect, as a Satanist you can harm or kill whatever and whoever you please. "Don't harm little children"? My Master does that all the time. He did in the movie, he does in my stories. I thought about it, I wrote some earlier stories about him and he killed at least one child in nearly all of them. He did in DreamCycle, he did in The Grave Beyond All Graves. In the early Nightmares From the City of Dreams, short, early predecessor of The Touch of Evil, the killing of children was at least mentioned. I can't even tell exactly why, it's not my creation, it's how I perceive him.
Of course, the movie is still just a movie and never happened in exactly this way (which is something I intended to be mentioned in our conversations in the story but somehow couldn't find a place for it), but I believe it was in part perceived as a reflection from elsewhere, just like most things that take shape in this physical world.

Whenever I feel uncertain I turn to him and I see clearly, for he truly is the Messiah, certainly to me he is.
I've heard from others who have conversed with demons, and I could always only wonder how they're able to do it. But I talk to my Master, in ways that may be both crude and inappropriate, but I have the need to do it. As I said, the one and only kind of relationship that has ever existed in my life, besides a few friendships that were most often short-lived and the few that have lasted are nearly exclusively online and mostly very long distance. All day long, excluding occasional online chats, I usually have no one else to talk to anyway.

A while ago someone posted a meme on FB saying that, since knowledge is power, the more you know about a person the more power it gives you over them. It's straightforward and for this reason I've often been hesitant about what to post here, but since I hardly ever get any feedback at all I guess it's safe to assume no one cares anyway, and so I'm continuing to leave my "graffiti on the fabric of spacetime". There's no one around me anyway who might want to use such knowledge about my person. There's only my Master in my life.

And there's also the needs I shouldn't even have at all. All my love and adoration for him, while perfectly justified, is certainly most inappropriate as well. Not only because he's Satan's son - and just imagine some Christian person having such kind of feelings and fantasies about Jesus Christ as I related them in my story. Makes me really wonder now if there are such people... Among over 7 billion, there probably ought to be some. There have been a whole bunch believing they actually are Jesus Christ (although that's usually not a sane thing to believe), so there probably ought to be a whole bunch as well who are inappropriately in love with their savior... I'd really be curious to know.
Well, that aside, in my case my feelings are very inappropriate for a very different reason still - the reason that I shouldn't have them at all, not for anyone, not even for my Master, at least not in these all too human ways such as displayed in the story. Because emotions are weakness and therefore I've always despised them.

Due to my then horrible circumstances I used to suffer from severe depression in the past. With Father Satan's help I eventually managed to extricate myself from those dire circumstances and to transform my body into something acceptable, at least for human standards. I managed to harden not only my body but also my heart in the process, but only to some extent.
Even when something really upsets me so much that I feel earlier in my life I'd have cried about it, I now find that I couldn't do it anymore even if I wanted. I've become too hard to ever cry, and that's a good thing.
But still it's far from good enough, with my fucking emotions just as with my body. No matter how hard I work out and how strong I become, a human body is still a pathetic, wimpy, squishy thing. Just take a look at Bestgore and you see them smeared on the road all the time. When a truck or tank rolls over you it doesn't matter how "strong" you are. That's why I'd prefer to be the tank...
Yeah right, then you have anti-tank artillery. Nothing is indestructible in this world. I wish I was invincible though.

In my life I only ever kissed another girl when I was about 15 or 16. She was 17, and it was merely out of curiosity, from both sides I guess. Males were always out of the question to me - I guess I'd honestly have barfed - but even with this girl I actually found it pretty repulsive and didn't really get it what people find about that. And ever since I've never kissed anyone again, let alone a person I truly cared for, because I never cared for anyone.
Quote from my story: "I had always been alone, had never before been this close to another person, let alone to a person I truly cared for - as I had never cared for anyone but him."
This is the absolute truth - I've never been this close to anyone, neither physically nor emotionally. At least not in physical, waking life. I've lived in this story though. And a million variations of it and other ones in my mind.

I know he would have no use for this. It's me who is a f'ing wimpy loser, plagued with human emotions. He is so far above all this.
And yet it's better to have all such emotion focused entirely on someone who is worthy... well, even far beyond worthy, obviously. At least this I can say for myself, and I fully own the absolute epitome of arrogance in it: No mere mortal could ever be worthy of my love; yes, I have the brazen arrogance to fall in love only with Satan's son.

Is this really who he is? I can't tell for sure but it seems to make sense in metaphor only, but he surely is of Satan. Of the true Satan - the Lord whose only law is Lawlessness, the Adversary, Enemy of God and Man, the Destroyer of Worlds. Highest praise be to Satan, with each breath that I take, every beat of my cold black heart!
A.M.S.G.