A bond that can never be undone

It's been quite dead on this blog lately... but a lot has been happening in my life, and I've been very busy, and although some of it remains very challenging, for the most part things have changed in more positive ways than I'd have ever dared to hope!

And none of it would have been possible without the help of a great lady, so evil she married off an innocent virgin to the Son of Satan... kind of. ;)
No, she's not really evil but that virgin is evil - that virgin is me, of course. And no, I'm not officially married to him either, but in a way we're much, much more than that, because it's not just for this so very finite life but truly forever - there's no option for a "divorce".

I must admit it came as a bit of a surprise that the final bonding would already be included in this ritual, but I said nothing about that. I was told this bond is irreversible and I'll be basically at my Master's mercy. I carried on without a moment's hesitation, performing the ritual as instructed. This is what I always wished for, and I'm so happy it's finalized now!

It was last year in June when I first performed my own,crude little ritual up in the woods one night, not knowing all that well how to do it - but you don't sign things in your own blood before Satan unless you're absolutely serious, and I was. That's when I offered myself to Satan's son, but I had no idea if I'd be accepted or even heard. Shortly after that, very, very weird things started happening...

 

I now understand much better the trial I had to go through. I've had to face a vast stretch of bleak emptiness in my life and some grim truths about myself, but in the end I came away with some very precious new friendships, and even with the highest prize deemed beyond all reach. I'm his own, forever. 

 

As usual, I was slow to comprehend what it really means. No more need to fear what may wait beyond this life, when I'll be without the strength of my warrior body, when I have to leave it behind after hopefully dying in battle. Would I still be able to stand my ground then, or would I fall another victim in the scheme of the demiurge and perhaps be forced into another incarnation, forgetting who I am, having to go through this ordeal all over again?
Now I know it's my Master who will be awaiting me to claim me for his own, which I am. So I can be at peace. I'll have to continue my trials and battles here to prove myself worthy, for this is a place of trial.
But being steadfast in my honor and loyalty, my redemption is assured.

Summer days in April - rare & special!

So once more I offered my blood in ritual. The very next day I came across a friend's post on Facebook, offering this incense blend she has artfully composed for the upcoming Walpurgis Night, and I thought this is something my Master might like, and so I bought it as a gift for him, to use in our celebration.

A gift for my lovely Master.

It can be found at my friend's online store; of course it will be too late now to order for Walpurgis Night - it was quite short notice for me, ordering Thursday, but since it's within Germany it already arrived today (Saturday) - but it can be used for other occasions, and there's lots of other incense blend as well as handcrafted occult art: Here's Teufelskunst ("Art of the Devil"). A free sample of another incense blend was also included in the little envelope, as shown in the photo.

As for my own crafts - I'm mainly a warrior/athlete, but I also fiddle with some creative stuff sometimes - the dream catcher I promised to make for a very precious friend is also to be finished very soon - more feather tassles will be added!

UNFINISHED - needs more feathers.

"I summon thee, o mighty witch
Thou who art Satan's son
The abyss of time this spell shall bridge
That can never be undone
To thy Father make it known
That I shall henceforth be thine own
Bound forever by this spell
And all the multitudes of Hell
Shall bear me witness and remember
As I my soul to thee surrender
Through the mirror thou shalt take me
Thine accomplice thou shalt make me
As for this bond the price is named
That for each day a life be claimed
Now this covenant I sign
And with these last words I am thine
Irrevocably
Irrevocably
Irrevocably
So mote it be"

(A "spell" I wrote last year from my story Summon Me - feeling reminded of it now for obvious reasons, having entered into a bond with him for real now, although to my knowledge no lives will have to be sacrificed for it...)

No, I ain't going there...

It's the weekend of the annual FIBO (Fitness and Bodybuilding convention) and I haven't been there. And it's certainly not only for the reason that it's about twice the price now as it was when it first came to Cologne in 2013. Someone even offered to buy me a ticket but I declined, and I'm not sure if I'll ever go again, should the opportunity arise. Just a very crowded and ultimately pointless event.
Few girls are remotely as strong and ripped as I am. But I have no use for the admiration of strangers.
Boring, right? Like I'd give a shit.

And I have very important work to do these days, even besides workout. And in particular yesterday I uncovered invaluable and life-changing things with the help of my mediumistic friend.
I always felt this dearth of the spiritual side in my life, but I never really knew what to do, and it's something I now have to work on in great earnest. Still I can't help wondering why everything took me this terribly long...
(And the answer is, because I'm an ass. Less of an ass than the unthinking majority, but still quite a hopeless ass! LOL)

Nonetheless went on a little bike tour today - finally spring, and finally knowing I'm no longer alone.

Anemones covering the forest ground again.

Making a dream catcher.

Center piece.

Evil, evil Friday

Don't believe everything you hear or read.
But just as importantly, don't you ever believe that all you can see is all that exists!

Yes, it's Evil Friday and quite appropriately I'm a bit drunk, but still I think it's time to finally post the latest, and I got a few new pics too, now that the winter is over, as usual a time of dormancy. I grew out my undercut and also much of my natural sewer rat hair color - but now the undercut is back, in black.
AND SO AM I!!!

Climbed a little lookout tower.
It was windy.

On my balcony.
Was also windy. LOL

In black? Well, this cold black heart can't get any blacker than it's always been... ;)
But I'm finally out of the awful place in which I spent the past winter. I'm nearing the end of my ritualistic story (Dead Flowers in the Wishing Well, posted here back in December), when everything is turning from pain and hardship to triumph and bliss.
I seem to be at the place where I met Jolene the clairvoyant.

It's all a metaphor, of course, and her name is not Jolene. But I did find a very precious friend who is proficient in spiritual mediumship.
And for the first time after all these years, I even know my Master's name now, but which I won't give in public nor will I include it in any future stories that I might write. Unless he expressly tells me to do so, of course, but I don't think he will. For now in any case we're not yet able to freely communicate on our own because of my inaptitude in these things, but I'm determined to put in my very best efforts to change this.

I've never been a natural athlete either. I was the most unathletic kid back at school, and by a wide margin, I was overweight and wimpy. But I wanted to be a warrior, and by putting everything I got into it I eventually succeeded. That's the way it goes. If you really, seriously want something, you must find a way, and I will do it again, and again I'll succeed.
For I love my Master beyond anything.
And for the first time I learned that he, just as in my story... oh well, all is well that ends well.

Oh right - song of the day!!! :D

Fingernails. (Oh really? LOL)

Braided my hair for dancing.
Got me a bottle of Amaretto -
it's a good Evil Friday, after all! :D

Messy hair after dancing. Tells much of the
way I dance. Someone drunk in this pic?
Must be the shark...

A murder in a walnut tree

In the meantime I had to battle the flu, couldn't work out in five days but now I'm back, back at the gym since last Thursday, and today I went running once more although still feeling a bit funny in my head.

Nightfall.

Finally spring is coming... and then going. Next weekend it will be murderous winter once more.

And I'm still living the nightmare here at my lonely, forgotten outpost, the dark night of the soul. 

It's been five months now since everything went terribly wrong and I'm wondering if I'll ever be alright again. But somehow the pieces just won't stick together again.

Next week, the Equinox. Will it bring change? Is there any hope, in anything?

A murder in a walnut tree.

There are no coincidences

Now so close to its end, the most grueling part of the winter has come here - fortunately not to last long.
This is how capricious the weather is these days, which is nothing out of the ordinary though.

From buienradar.nl

I'll be really glad when it's back to normal temp's by the weekend. Feeling very lethargic these days, and getting to the gym and back - on the bicycle, of course, which is the only option - is an ordeal. No running for the hills these days - I'll stick to the treadmill while the extreme cold snap lasts.

But apart from this nuisance things are going fine under the circumstances. Most of the rest of the winter has been relatively mild to average; it was one of my hardest winters for entirely different reasons. But eventually I've been sent the help I prayed for, only at first I didn't recognize it when it arrived, which was actually just after the Solstice and when I had started publishing here the first chapters of Dead Flowers in the Wishing Well.
This long, elaborate ritual, the writing of the story being part of it, in the end revealed its magic, for which I'm endlessly grateful to my beloved Master.

I even found someone whose story has quite some parallels to my own, and she courageously talks about it although the trolls and the mentally challenged are jumping on it with insults and ridicule. Meet Amanda Teague - I loved her from the start when first finding out about her - both her and her husband Jack.
I contacted her and although we haven't talked much I'd always have her back. She might be wary of me being a Satanist, or simply having a very busy life and many other friends.
Nonetheless she's an inspiration, and undaunted by all the pathetic haters.

Speaking of haters, I also found this amazing new song by Dimmu Borgir the other day and couldn't believe there were 1K "thumbs down" on it - by now even 2K. Checking the comments shed some light on the reasons why, "this is no longer black metal," and all such bullshit complaints. But someone else commented, "black metal elitists are a plague to this world," to which I have to agree, along with all other kinds of narrow-mindedness.
I absolutely love this song, and I've taken the title of this entry from the line in it that struck me most - there truly are no coincidences.
Yes, I'm a devout Satanist, and I do love to see Satanic spirituality expressed in art and music, and it can be expressed in a multitude of forms - and in the end, the art and music is not the religion!
At which point it may be worth mentioning that a lot of the old-school, "trve" black metal scene is also riddled with racism and white supremacy crap, and what might that bullshit have to do with anything spiritual or Satanic?!
I will have none of that. It delights me when I see dark and Satanic art coming from all corners of the world, it's like having allies everywhere, and among them even such courageous souls who create their music at the peril of their lives, such as the metal bands from Middle-Eastern countries - respect to them!!!

Art can also be inspired by Satan even if the artists are not themselves believers. At which point I can't help thinking of the brilliant actor who played Satan's son in the movie I adore so much. He's not a Satanist, and to my knowledge nor was anyone else who was involved in the making of Warlock.
Yet I think when art is said to be inspired it may most often be by forces from beyond the physical world. Great art is often referred to as "divine", which may of course include the Satanic divine, as well as other forms - archetypal forms; which reminds me of an article I fortunately saved some time ago, clearing up the misconception about the meaning of archetype.

Yes, archetypes are as real as can be, which is why the most striking and powerful creations of art more often than not carry some archetypal nature in them.
The radiant, light-bearing Lucifer is an archetype - a most highly divine archetype in this case.
And I may say that I even represent an archetype myself: the warrior woman, the Amazon, the cold, brutish man-woman - I believe that's an archetype. That's what I am.

Monsters have nightmares too

It's been a while once more. Usually when I neglect my blog posts it can mean one of two things: Either nothing much is happening, and/or I'm too depressed to care. Or I've been really busy with other things.
Fortunately it's been the latter, for the most part. I've found two new friends to correspond with, and when I write a lot elsewhere I'll write less here.

The Carnival, which is big here in the Rhineland and also very annoying, is nearly over once more. I never engage with that stuff as it's a very German thing, and usually even celebrating a corrupted version of their language, a completely unintelligible dialect used only by very primitive and backward people, never by any more well educated and sophisticated individuals.

My way!!!

As always I've kept working out as usual, of course; usually about five times a week and there never really are any breaks.
Yesterday I went running up in the woods once more, which amounted to 15.5 K in 83 minutes - up the steep hill by the cemetery, through the shrubbery and on trails riddled with mud holes, as usual.

It was the second run for this month; in January I did six, which taken together amounted to 73 km I ran in that month, a personal record which I didn't even aim at. It just happened that I skipped a leg day twice in exchange for running (only 3 leg days that month), just because I felt like running.

Like running from the nightmares which just keep coming all too frequently - yes, we monsters do have them. They have nothing to do with any more recent events, they're always the horrors of the past haunting me. I seem to have a toxic waste problem in my memory banks, so to speak. Which will be far harder to clean up than Fukushima.

But although at times I seemed to be lost in some horrible wasteland all by myself, deep inside I know I'm not.
Revered & radiant Morning Star...

It's those who deny His Magic who are actually saying there's no such thing as freedom, or even the possibility of any other existence but under tyranny.
The very tyranny which I have sworn to fight, and always will!
Until the tyrant god is thrown down and all divine law obliterated!!!

Shithole

All Days Are Black, on repeat. Because they are
I guess I'll have to embrace my fate indeed. Is it heroic to do so when there's no other choice?
On the surface everything seems fine, just the way it's always been, workout going fine and all.
Is it really just that I never noticed before how terribly alone I really am? Before I got into that spiritual equivalent of a train wreck, that is.

No, it's not that I simply didn't notice. I don't know, maybe people notice subconsciously, and only subconsciously, how broken I am, and you instinctively avoid talking to someone who's smeared on the road with their guts out. Let the medical professionals deal with that.
Yeah, in my case that would be spiritual professionals, but sadly I don't know any, at least not on this side of the event horizon, and still don't know how to communicate to beyond.
And be advised if you're a materialist moron who happens to read this and you think it sounds completely schizo: Your problem - I sure don't have any fucks to give about your uninformed and worthless opinion.

Shithole? Thanks for the entertainment, but this whole fucking world is one.

I should know so much better. I know that this shithole place is an illusion, that everything is in consciousness and consciousness is the only thing that can change anything. But I got no idea how.
I have to keep the faith, it's what matters most and it's all I got left now.