In need of book recommendations!

A few nights ago I had a dream in which I was flying above the courtyard between the large apartment buildings where I once lived with my grandparents when I was a kid, praising Satan aloud. Down in the courtyard were some other teenagers (if physically present I'm always a teenager myself in my dreams since this is my self-image) who were staring and shouting at me. I wasn't even angry at them, I could clearly sense they were scared of me. I shouted back at them that they could follow me if they wanted, in following Satan - although I knew it wasn't true, they couldn't really as they were simply from the other side, they didn't belong with Satan.

I do believe anyone can follow Satan provided they have the sincere desire to do so, but in order to truly have this desire it probably needs to be part of your nature. You have the strong desire to follow Satan because you are of Satan, and thereby again it's not really a choice.
I can feel this deep in my being, and while still reading "Adventures in the Afterlife" I can clearly feel the divide. I knew this beforehand and, just as I didn't blame the other kids in the dream, I don't blame the author for simply being of the other side. Regardless it's been interesting to read, but I must admit that to me it's getting more and more nauseating when again and again there is mention of "unconditional love", which to me just feels like "uncontrollable barf". And I've had the thought that this must be what is called the demiurge, and the way he baits his prey. I've heard elsewhere that the use of heroine evokes pretty much the same feeling of "unconditional love"...

In any case, yes I've learned something and the book does make sense to me to some extent, it's just that it tells only one side of the story. It tells of where I would never ever want to go, where I absolutely refuse to go, in this life or any other. If anything it has at least once more made me more certain than ever of what my nature is and where I thus belong. And I just wish so much I could find some books about lucid dreaming, out-of-body experiences, and the afterlife from a Satanic perspective. If there are any, I hope that some of my Satanic friends & brethren can possibly give me some recommendations!?

Also, I received some amazing gifts in the mail the other day for which I have to thank a very special person.
I've already put that fossilized shark tooth on an earring - it came with the wire wrapping but not the beads & earring. :)

Serpentine Path... under construction

Times have been somewhat challenging lately and not only has dreaming been difficult but in fact even sleeping has been so at times. I've been having a lot of dentist appointments after I discovered one of my wisdom teeth had partially broken away and I got no clue how it happened, I sure didn't notice when it did but it may have happened during the night. Then at the dentist's it turned out not only this one but also a second wisdom tooth will have to be extracted, plus a root canal is needed. I must admit I hadn't seen a dentist in a while and had fooled myself into believing that now that I got my warrior's body finally working quite well in all other respects, dental problems would also largely be a thing of the past. But of course, the body I inhabit is still that of a physically thoroughly degenerate species, the much I've tried my best to improve it, and years of bulimia during teenage were hard on my sadly very un-sharklike dentition. Well, there was nothing shark- or warriorlike about me back then.
Now, there's also the side effects of my testosterone injections requiring treatment, wherefore I'll have to ride to Cologne once more tomorrow - for a permanent hair removal session. Well, allegedly permanent - if it really were it shouldn't have to be repeated every half year or so.

On the bright side, I'm planning to visit the McFit gym downtown Cologne afterward of which I've heard it has some special features worth checking out, even if I don't think I'll be doing a full, serious workout there after riding the 20 miles to Cologne and still having to ride those 20 miles back too, which is a workout in itself.
My home gym is now under renovation since Monday but continually remains open - fortunately, since it's an inconvenient season for having to ride the longer way to the second gym in town all the time.
A lot else may be under renovation or reconstruction at this time, literally as well as figuratively.
Seen on some guy's t-shirt at the gym: "The road to success is constantly under construction."

Generally, this cold and dark season when you can't go out much ought to be a favorable time to look inward, and to finally get a grip on the trouble I have with my awareness. Knowing it's only the same trouble most people have, except that most don't even notice it as trouble. In fact, a far cry from being lucid in them, many can't even remember their dreams and it doesn't seem to bother them. But not remembering at all, which sadly also still happens occasionally, bothers me even a lot more than simply having bad, annoying (and non-lucid) dreams.
As some wise person said, "If we can't even retain our awareness in sleep, how can we hope to fare in death?"
This is exactly what's on my mind. Not that I'm planning on leaving for the next world so soon already, but it can always happen suddenly and one should always be prepared for all eventualities, including the Great Transition.

I finally found time to finish this drawing I meant to create, of a King Cobra, symbolizing the King of Kings, the Ancient Serpent.

King of Kings, the Ancient Serpent

An Amazon's Nightmares

So this amazon (me) received a parcel from Amazon yesterday, containing a new shark wall calendar for next year and a new book, "Adventures in the Afterlife" by William Buhlman. It's written as fiction about a man who dies and about where he finds himself thereafter, but based on the author's personal out-of-body experiences. The character in the book is a Christian who enters what appears to be the Christian heaven... I knew this beforehand but still found it interesting enough as to want to read the whole thing. Apart from that I still have to find any material about lucid dreaming or OBE's from a Satanic perspective - if anything of such nature exists I'd be most grateful for any information!

So far I'm standing alone, still alone with those haunted memories which in my nightmares come back alive. These aren't nightmares in the general understanding of the term, there's no fear involved, let alone any waking up screaming... they are simply very, very annoying, frustrating, and depressing.
In the above mentioned book, the character is greeted by his deceased mother right after he dies, and it is understood that people generally are welcomed by their relatives who have passed before them, and to many (especially Christians?) this may be a very comforting concept to be reunited with their loved ones.
The problem I have is that there is no love involved when it comes to the people I was born to, and that I need them to quit haunting me. I need to get rid of them once and for all, in dreaming as in waking.
In waking life I have long since achieved this. But in my dreams... this is another reason why I need to become lucid more than just on the odd occasion. I need to take control of this. I'm an adult warrior now and it is humiliating to continually be vexed and bothered by these people the way I was back as a child when I had to live with them. I'm finally in command of my waking life, and I now need to take command of my dreaming as well.

Haunted Memories

I've come to realize of late that some people may still assume that deep inside I may be just a scared little girl, a soft-hearted, sensitive creature hiding her vulnerability behind the facade of a hardcore bodybuilder and evil Satanist.
But you see, there's an old story, coming in many variations, of a lady going to a masked ball, perhaps a Halloween party, where she dances with a man wearing a mask of a scary monster. Then at midnight the party ends and everyone is supposed to take off their masks - and she discovers the monster had never been wearing one. In some versions he'll certainly kill the lady then, and possibly all other party guests as well, but this is irrelevant for my point.
My point is simply that just like him, I'm not wearing a mask.

Of course I haven't always been strong - it's very difficult while trapped in a wimpy and nearly entirely useless body. Living in isolation with zero connections and zero support didn't help either, I had to figure everything out for myself and so it took me a long time to, with Father Satan's help, finally rise from rock bottom where I had spent nearly the first two decades of my earthly existence crawling around like a worm. It sure wasn't a life, it was mere existence, and even that only barely, for the most part deprived of any route to better myself either physically or intellectually, and I did consider myself as good as dead. I had no mercy on the worm that I was, and I have no mercy on my former self in looking back now. But something in me kept fighting...

Trapped in that body of a maggot was the spirit of a predator.
When nowadays my peace of mind is disturbed so it's most often by the memories of those times of indignation. But I do still cherish the things that kept me going during those times...
Yesterday I discovered this beautiful fan video about Freddy Krueger. I dearly loved him back when I was 14 and when I wished so much I could be like him - everybody's nightmare, feared and pretty much invincible - and I do still love him now.

Of course, that was also around the time when I had first encountered my Master...

One of the metal albums I loved most was The Nocturnal Silence, by the same band that now lately came out with a song by whose title I feel being addressed personally - not me alone, of course, and yet it's only an elite few of us who have indeed stayed Satanic, and hereby I salute all those Brothers and Sisters in Satan!!!

Entering Eternal Sharkness

Only two days until Halloween - and only the 2nd entry for this month. Not as if nothing happened, in the contrary.
There were still a couple of fair days with balmy afternoons, but now we've entered the grim, freezing season, which is very difficult for me as I wasn't made for this brutally cold climate.

Lucky shot - it's a butterfly! :D

Nightfall.

 But the great news is, by the hand of a gifted artist I have entered eternal Sharkness!

Massive Great White on massive warrior's arm.

 The tattoo artist copied the design very precisely after the drawing I provided. At the instant of attack, a great white shark will roll their eyes back in order to protect them from possible counterattacks of the prey, this is why the shark's eye then looks white.

My original pencil drawing.

I'm really happy with the way my great white shark turned out!

The obsolescence of the "god or no god" question

While the ultimate goal of all earthly existence may be unknown and as of yet unknowable, how foolish is it to bluntly deny even the possibility of any goal. Is it just the fear of responsibility, and to preferably take the easy way out? "When I die I'll no longer exist, and so it will no longer matter what I've done and what I've failed to do in my life, I can no longer be responsible when I don't exist."
Or is it really the human arrogance of wanting to continually bask in the illusion of scientific omniscience?
Whatever it is, and no matter how much I despise the materialist dogma, I must admit that to some extent I can understand its adherents - for one single reason: Whenever the proponents of primal, non-physical consciousness, existing independently of matter and of physical brains, present their theories and evidence, more often then not there will come a point when the unfortunate and most unnecessary nonsense about god and love enters the picture.

These matters are extremely subjective, and being a Satanist, it is clear that my own values are of completely different nature. But when exploring questions about the nature of the universe, of consciousness, and of existence itself, such personal choices should be left out of the picture. Religion is always something personal, and my own is certainly not an exception. The materialists do have a point in that you can't have a scientific discussion when it always comes down to the "god or no god" question. They legitimately want to free themselves from the religious dogma which has prevailed for way too many centuries, and in this battle they have sadly seen it needful to replace it with a new dogma of their own.

The original meaning of atheism is to not believe in any gods. But by now if someone describes themselves as an atheist what they usually mean is that they are a materialist: someone who denies the existence of anything besides physical matter (including radiation, magnetic fields, nuclear forces, etc.), and they usually suggest hat those who believe in an afterlife must be altogether simple minds clinging to some religious myths. This is deplorable, but again, to some extent understandable, as long as most of those who research into non-physical phenomena will sooner or later throw their religious ideas in with it.

So... why is the possibility of non-physical consciousness, and thereby an afterlife, always thrown into a pot with god?!
This is where the problem is situated. When discussing consciousness, quit the bullshit about god and love!
God and love are a faith of personal choice, just as Satan and power are my own personal faith of choice.

I found this very interesting video yesterday, but sure enough, towards the end there's the god fallacy again.

Rupert Sheldrake, although of Christian confession, mentions religious concepts only very sparingly and in relatively neutral context in his very fascinating book The Science Delusion.
William Buhlman, in Adventures Beyond the Body, tells about environments in the non-physical interior of the universe which form a consensus reality shaped by the thoughts and beliefs of their inhabitants, such as the followers of a particular religion. Other regions are "unformed" and thought-responsive environments, and that it is of utmost importance to be able to control one's own thoughts.
Myself I'm far from able of doing this for now, but that's what I need to work on. My tentative conclusion so far is that our goal of being here is becoming.
Exactly what we will become is still beyond our comprehension, and yet it is a matter of our own choice. The path of a Satanist is different from other paths, and yet when forming theories about the ultimate nature of consciousness in general then we should leave personal paths out of the picture.

Rainbow, the other day

Self-Evaluation for OBE

The following is a self-evaluation for out-of-body experiences,as given in the book "Adventures Beyond the Body" by William Buhlman. The questions are the ones given by him in the book, each followed by my personal answer here. --

1. Self-Concept

Q: "What do you believe you are? How do you view yourself? Describe your self-concept in detail."

A: I am Satan's warrior. At least this is what I wish to be, what I'm trying to be. I'm not meek but rebellious, I will fight for my cause and for the power I wish to claim. My spirit is that of a shark, I'm cold, predatory, powerful. My Lord is the Lord of Lawlessness, and the only law I respect is His and mine - I'm a law unto myself. I will take what I can get hold of, make the best of what I can find. But I'll only take what is really needed, I don't pick fights and I don't burden myself with unnecessary things, including emotions. A warrior needs not only physical strength but also knowledge and wisdom, and I try to be the best I can be, in the name of Satan.

2. Personal Viewpoints

Q: "What are your perceptions and feelings concerning out-of-body experiences? Do you consider them an adventure?"

A: I think they would be a very defining part of this ultimate and very necessary adventure of my earthly life. I consider this ephemeral life just a brief episode in something much larger, a journey toward some unknown goal, and an OBE would finally prove that I've been right all along and that my journey won't turn out a meaningless dead end.

3. Motivation

Q: "Is your personal motivation to obtain answers? To solve a mystery or a problem? Is it curiosity? Is it to obtain personal verification of some kind? Be specific."

A: Although I'm curious by nature, in this case curiosity would have a minor part in it - I'd reason that curiosity would more likely be the main motivation for those who are rather doubtful about all things beyond the physical world. To me, for whom the afterlife is the actual goal since I'm aware that my time here is brief, verification would indeed be a very important point. Answers, yes... I'd hope with all my being to find my Master there, and to be given some directions - directly or indirectly, as in any case the course of my life would be changed by it in some ways. As is said in the book, knowing for sure is so much more that only hoping and believing...
I may be a loner but I'm not separate from my environment, and therefore I must admit the zeitgeist of the latter has often sown doubts and disheartenment.

4. Safety

Q: "Do you feel that it is completely safe to have an out-of-body experience? Do you have any concerns,such as that you might become lost or die? Be specific."

A: No concerns whatsoever. I know I will physically die anyway just like everyone else, and exploring beforehand where I'll be headed con only be of advantage. If there should be any dangers on the other side then it would still be better to find out early as I would eventually have to face them anyway. It's in any case a perfectly natural thing to do.

5. Special Ability or Talent

Q: "Do you believe that some special ability or talent is required to have an OBE?"

A: Here we're indeed touching on a sensitive point. I've so far had very little success with lucid dreaming and even less with my sorry attempts of meditation, and I fear that OBE is even more advanced than both of these. My ability to concentrate is poor, I'm unable to relax my body, and very easily distracted or irritated by the noisy environment I live in.

6. Importance

Q: "Do you consider this exploration important to your personal development? On a scale of 1 - 10, how important is it?"

A: I can give a clear 10 here since I've always had my focus on the far future, much farther than an ephemeral human body could ever endure, and since I've never been very comfortable with the human shape anyway. I'm clearly a stranger in a human body, thus my focus has to be beyond.

7. Desire

Q: "Do you possess the inner desire and drive to follow through? What benefits or information do you want from this experience? How strong is your desire?"

A: On my personal journey I've long since realized that an important part of my mission is to navigate the narrow line between delusional superstitions on the one hand and the materialist dogma on the other, both of which are fallacious dead ends. I must therefore necessarily have extremely strong desire to prove for myself that there is in fact a path that is real and leads onward.

8. Commitment

Q: "Are you willing to devote the time and effort needed to achieve your goal? Are you willing to commit 30 minutes a day for a month?"

A: For something of this magnitude, 30 minutes a day doesn't seem like a lot. I might have problems to accommodate any other physically strenuous type of work besides my very intense workouts, but as long as none of that is needed, nor the psychologically very stressful personal interaction with people, I have no objections to committing this much, and more, time and effort to open the way!

9. Fears

Q: "Are you anxious or fearful about this kind of exploration? Do you fear the unknown, the dark, or new challenges? Are your fears logical or the result of a lack of information?"

A: A Satanist doesn't fear the dark. And the unknown is only the inevitable which one not-too-distant day will open up anyway. It is far better to prepare myself now while there is time. As a warrior, I'm always ready to take on challenges if they can get me further on my path. I have no fear of this;my greatest fear would be to find nothing,and that my life, and all life, had been in vain.

10. Religious Beliefs

Q: "How does out-of-body exploration fit into your religious beliefs and concepts? Do you consider this a spiritual experience?"

A: To the latter question, certainly yes! I think all true Satanists [*] believe in OBE's. Even back as a teen I heard talk about "astral journeys" from other Satanists and occult folks; this term, especially in some awkward foreign language,always sounded corny and superstitious somehow though, like some act of magic unattainable to any mere mortals.
The fact is, I'm lacking guidance here on Earth; I know I have received guidance but it has always come from beyond. I have the strong hope top finally meet my guide,in full consciousness, and not only in vague, non-lucid dreams.
[*To clarify once more: Satanists = worshipers of Satan; LaVeyans and/or other atheists are per definition NOT Satanists!]

11. Degree of Difficulty

Q: "Do you believe that this experience is natural and easy or difficult to achieve? Why do you feel this way?"

A: Natural, yes,but certainly not easy. I feel this way because of my lack of success with lucid dreaming and meditation. A few lucid moments are all I've achieved with the former, and with the latter nothing at all. I've tried it a lot but always felt that I was somehow doing it wrong, plagued by itches and distractions and painful tensions in my body (which are never there when I'm in motion but only when I try in vain to"relax"). At all the many times I've tried I've never come away with the feeling, "today I've successfully meditated fro the first time." Not one time.

12. Confidence

Q: "Are you confident that you can achieve your desired goal?"

A: Considering the previous point, as well as point 5, no, not very.

13. Expectations

Q: "Do you expect positive results? What are your personal expectations?"

A: I'm very uncertain about this. With very modest success at lucid dreaming, and zero at meditation, I feel about it pretty much as if intending to do a 120 kg bench press without having been able to do even 100 kg yet.

14. Personal Issues or Limits

Q: "Are you aware of any personal issues that may limit your ability to have an out-of-body experience? If so, write them down."

A: I think my greatest problem is my incapacity to relax my body, especially when at rest and intending to. Lack of mental focus, too. Both my mind and body are extremely restless.

15. Goals

Q: "Have you made this exploration a firm personal goal? Is it a written goal? Is it an important goal? Is it a priority?"

A: In principle, yes to all. I have a physical body that requires lots and lost of maintenance through very hard work, which is the one priority that could never be exceeded - but from what I've heard, this might even be an asset (as in exercising and a healthy lifestyle being encouraged for lucid dreaming & OBE).
This body requires such intense maintenance while it endures - but the future can only be beyond this body, so yes, it is a firm goal of utmost importance for me to reach beyond!

The path.