Toward new horizons

Yesterday was the main Carnival day with the big, silly parade... I made sure to stay far away from there but rather rode the other direction, heading to the woods. Skies were clear and blue, and although it's still rather barren it was so good to be back out there finally. I stopped for a while at this BBQ site and went on the swing. It was so peaceful there, so dreamlike in a way. One of those moments of consciously observing my consciousness, sensing that subtle shift in it... bike rides out in nature can be a sort of meditation I guess.

I was once again much occupied with the workings of my own mind.
I have also enrolled for two MOOC's on Coursera - not yet sure though if two at a time ain't turning out a bit overly ambitious! - one about chemistry and one about mathematical thinking, both of which started today. On the latter I also found a very interesting, related link, a blog by the instructor. I must admit that I enrolled for his course not so much for an interest in math but more for one in new, different ways of thinking.
I found it very interesting when in the blog he asked the question, "what is a context?"
Such a simple question apparently - and yet I'd feel hard pressed for an answer of if someone genuinely had no idea what the word means and I had to come up with a definition, let alone a concise one. I'd probably think up some examples to give, it would take me a long time and would be awkward. (I have a friend who sometimes assigns me with "exercises" of such sort since she's still learning English.) Or I could look up a dictionary definition. Which led me to think, if it's this difficult for me to give concise definitions of abstract words although I know perfectly well what they mean, then how did I first learn their meaning myself?
Most likely not in one go. And perhaps the awkward and long-winded explanation by example would be more helpful than a concise dictionary definition to a person who didn't know the meaning of the term.

Yes, the bike is mine.

Lately I learned that metacognition - the thinking about thinking - is very useful for lucid dreaming as well and that most frequent lucid dreamers practice it a lot. Of course this isn't the only reason I'm interested in it, I simply want to learn whatever I can about how my mind and consciousness works.

I was glad when the author stated in his blog, "[...] I will explain what persuaded me to try to prove that the pessimism I expressed in the above passage about someone becoming an X-er through a remote experience like a MOOC might be misplaced, at least in part."
Because in the passage above that he had talked about the social aspect of learning - "A large part of becoming an X-er is joining a community of other X-ers."
And if this aspect were really so crucial then I'd have to say, I've never been an athlete, a cyclist, or even a bodybuilder (although I look like one, don't I?), then I've never been a warrior, an artist, or even a Satanist!
Of course I consider myself all of the above, and perhaps more - but I've always done my thing alone, whatever it was. One more thing I can claim for sure to have always been: an autodidact. With no formal education whatsoever, I taught myself everything I know, either from books or online.

I was thinking along those lines also on my bike ride through the woods and charming rural landscapes. It was hard to get anywhere at all with no guidance, all alone with no map or manual to life. Somehow I always followed my instincts though which told me what was right - right for me, they certainly never were the sort of instincts in any way useful to the survival of the species I was born to, as instincts are usually thought to be in the biological context. ("Context," see, there is this word!)
Like women are said to have this "biological clock" telling them it's time to reproduce while they can - something so far beyond my imagination and comprehension! I'm nearly 30 years old and a virgin, and I'd rather die than have my body defiled. I'd rather die than give up my freedom! I'll never understand how people can actually be happy about starting a family - building their own jail for themselves.

My instincts have always been of a wholly different nature, and they rather told me that I was alien to the human race. They told me to distrust those who tried to make me part of what I would never want to be and never could be part of. I never had anyone else to trust but myself and that mysterious, invisible force guiding me whom I know as Satan.

How I know it's Satan, and not Jesus or Buddha or Odin? Because of my own nature, which is dark and rebellious, and because I know the nature of the forces I'm attracted to, even though I'm still in the process of bringing such knowledge up into consciousness.

And when I woke up this morning it suddenly hit me: in a way I'm still a kid! A kid in a 30-year-old body.
The difference between me and most adults is that I view my life much less as being rather than becoming.
It would be unthinkable to me to settle down and take up some "function" in society to henceforth fulfill and to think of that as "having arrived somewhere", not even if I were to be a general or a professor or a president, none of that could ever be of any meaning to me.
There is no goal that can be reached in this life but only through this life.
I'm here for myself, and the only meaning can be in transcendence.

Large raptors were circling near that radio tower.
Made me wonder if they roost up there?

No love songs here; no Carnival songs either!

So today is double loony day. A f'ing Carnival parade right in my street - I took a little detour on the way home from the gym as to make sure to stay clear of it - and also Valentine's, for all those willing to take the bait and fall into the trap called "love", which is just like heroin and ruins people's lives.
And regarding the Carnival, don't you think it's just me being such a ill-humored person - all the people I talked to at the gym said they can't stand it. Especially one of the trainers, poor guy lives in the old towncenter, right in the midst of the action. It's basically just annoying oompa-loompa music and drunk misbehavior. I'm glad where I live there ain't no pubs in the vicinity and it's basically just a parade for the kids, and now by late afternoon it's already over. But from downtown I'm staying far away these days!

I found this interesting link on Lifehacker today - well, I'm asexual and so I don't have a girlfriend (and I'm saying girlfriend because that would still be at least a lot easier to imagine than a person with a deformed extra limb), but if I did then certainly not one who listened to hip hop!!

Well, I tried that "Sweet Spot" tool anyway, entering Watain as a favorite band. When asked for my girlfriend's fave I entered Corvus Corax, and I got as end result "12 degrees of separation". That sounds quite a lot! Since, as I said, I don't have a girlfriend, who listens to Corvus Corax then?
Answer: I do! Which may serve to prove once again that I have a pretty broad ranging taste in music.
And since I like both bands I ended up with a pretty decent playlist suggestion, I know most of the bands in it and I like them.

I used to think that I don't like Jazz music, but then lately I discovered Dark Jazz, and pretty much by coincidence. I was listening to some Black Metal album on Youtube and hadn't seen that "autoplay" was on for some reason. I had my henna dye in my hair and it was time to wash it out, so I left for the bathroom to do so. In the meantime the music changed, and when I checked it it was this video playing:



It's very psychedelic and certainly far removed from Black Metal, so I got no clue why, but from there I ended up with more such stuff - eventually with The Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensemble.
Like, here:



So I'm certainly not one of those who only ever listen to one single genre and dislike everything else. But yes, it's nearly all somewhat dark for the most part - also including dark ambient, dark electronic, and Gothic - or at least somewhat exotic or mysterious in some ways. But there are some rather hard limits to the kinds of music I find acceptable, and while I'm perfectly fine with folk rock (as given in the example in the Lifehacker article), hip hop is clearly beyond those limits! As well as is most popular, mainstream music.
And since in my experience people's musical preferences are not entirely unrelated to their personalities I'd be very unlikely to end up with a hip hop listening girlfriend. Or in any case such a relationship would be doomed to be rather short-lived...
Thank Satan I'm not burdened with such problems! :)

I'm certainly glad this day is nearly over; Monday will be the main Carnival day with the big parade, but that's fortunately downtown and I'm simply staying away from there, I won't even be at the gym on Monday since that's pretty close to downtown, instead I'll go on a little bike ride into the woods, I guess that's a place all Satanists like to be.
Last but not least I still found this little jewel today, which still makes it a perfectly fine day:

Genuinely Satanic, and very virtuously executed; still absolutely the best!

Voluntary Euthanasia Treadmill

On to business as usual and the more positive things. - Oh right, except that the dreaded Carnival is upon us,and believe me, Carnival in the Rhineland is really awful. I'll try to quickly get to the gym tomorrow and later quickly back home, and avoid downtown areas between tomorrow and nest Tuesday.
On Saturday I'll have a f'ing parade going in my street,and on Monday is the main, downtown parade. The latter won't bother me though as I'm simply staying away from downtown. Since the weather is forecast to be nice I'll be up in the hills I guess, checking if I can already spot any coltsfoot flowers in the woods.

I've been making some slow progress on my running. I'm by no means a specialized runner but more of an athletic generalist, but still it bothers me to be so miserably slow. Learning for the first time about the 4-minute mile sometime last year frustrated me immensely, of course I started calculating right away since they use kilometers here in Germany and therefore the treadmills also give kilometers per hour (kph), and I found that I'm still far away from even a 5-minute mile,which would require me to run at 20 kph which I can do only for 2 minutes instead of 5. A 4-minute mile would require running at 25 kph, which is the top speed of our treadmills, and which I can do for only 20 seconds so far.

These days I'm working on 22 kph for a full minute; I'm almost there but not quite yet. Last week I managed 47 seconds, then a few days ago 56 seconds, and the other day 58 - missed the mark by only 2 seconds!

I had the idea of inventing a voluntary "euthanasia treadmill", a concept somewhat similar to the euthanasia roller coaster but with a fair chance of survival. The major difference in concept is that you would only use the coaster when you have already definitely decided that you want to end your life.
My device would consist of a regular treadmill with some huge industrial fan behind it whose sharpened blades would act like a shredder. You can set your speed and time on the treadmill and then enter. If you can hold that speed for the time assigned then you've won back your life - you've proven able to perform well enough to carry on!
It should be possible to make a commitment to use that treadmill at regular intervals, say, twice a year. Personally I'd also make the commitment that I'd be allowed to increase the speed and/or time, but I wouldn't be permitted to decrease it ever. That way I'd always be allowed to get better and outdo myself, but never to fall behind.
I'd really appreciate such a machine, and I'd want to make such a commitment. It would afford me some sense of security... if I'm no longer good enough then I'll be gone. To a warrior like me it's better to die than to fall behind. But well, I'll have to find different ways to prove myself worthy.
For now, things are going well. Today, another girl at the gym said that "we all aren't getting any younger." I was like, wait, what? I'm still the same teenager I've always been! - Then again, not... When I actually was a teenager I was fat and crippled. I weighed about the same as I do now, but without muscles. And 75 kg (~165 lbs) is usually very heavy for a girl. I would have been perfectly incapable back then of all the things I can easily do now.So in a way, I've never before been as young as I am right now!!

Certain friends have requested new photos, so I've taken a few with my webcam today - also showing my Cobra tattoo which is also looking good now. By using a lot of green as I requested, my tattoo artist was able to fix the unfavorable colors last time. I know a lot about color and therefore knew that reds and pinks must be offset with green as to give some neutral browns, and this worked out nicely.

I was also able to benefit from some great sale of protein supplements at my gym lately. I don't usually buy their brand as it's too expensive, instead I buy the cheapest in town which is from a local drugstore, but this time I got lucky, and they're all sold out by now.

Advertizement. :)

The Losses Suffered

Feeling nuked much? I realize this is gonna be only the 2nd entry for this year. I've had a difficult time for a number of reasons. At least I found a much better dentist now.
Unlike the one whose butchery I suffered in early January - who started out by giving me an anesthesia shot on the wrong side and who, after I stopped her and we talked out once more exactly *which* wisdom tooth was to be extracted, proceeded to break out part of my jawbone with it. I noticed it only at home that evening when unwrapping the tooth from the tissue in which I had taken it home.

A week later - a week during which my athletic performance suffered a great deal from this ordeal - I come back for the appointment to have the stitches removed and asked the dentist what's with the bone fragment. She started out that with advanced age the wisdom teeth can get caked together with the bone... I was like, hello, but I'm a young girl?!!
Then she claimed to have misread my birth date, making me more than a decade older than my actual age! Of course I got outraged about it, and only later I realized that this had been her plan, so as to shirk having to explain her poor job breaking out the bone fragment.

-

The other, very sad chapter then followed in late January when I went to a court hearing. The matter at hand was the eviction of my favorite neighbor. I hoped as much as he did that it could be avoided, but sadly the rumors appear to be true that courts usually judge in favor of those with lots of money, who more often than not turn out to be the scum of the Earth. The only thing negotiable was time, so at least he still got until September. Still I'm very sad about it; it's not that we'd seen each other very often but still his presence around the house will be greatly missed. He planted things and built weird gadgets, occasionally he plays guitar - really nicely - and last summer he kept bees on his balcony. He got a funny little tractor that's very noisy and stinks when he starts it up, but I always found it charming anyway. He's always been easygoing and friendly. And the only reason he's being kicked out now is for rudely sending away some gardeners the landlady had ordered without precious announcement, because he didn't want them to start cutting plants down around the house some of which he had grown over years.
I really tried to like our landlady, all the time up to this court hearing, I really did. But now I hope she'll get hit by a bus, she deserves it. No, that would be too quick, she deserves worse. She deserves to lose everything and to be left without friends or help or shelter. It drives me mad that I can't see how to make this happen!
I always try to avoid confrontations with the illegitimate "authorities", who give out laws that I've never given my agreement to be bound by. "Authorities" that I would never recognize but only grudgingly tolerate because I cannot wipe them out as they ought to be. They are unworthy of any power as it is merely founded on collusion and they have done nothing to achieve it, nor to earn their imaginary wealth.
The only true and legitimate authority I recognize is my Lord Satan, and His only law is Lawlessness.
The only earthly authority I recognize is myself.

-
I'm planning to write here more often again, it's just that I do have a strong tendency toward quiet withdrawal when things turn negative, owing to a pronounced susceptibility for depressed and gloomy moods, especially during the cold season which my body cannot tolerate well. Hopefully spring is around the corner as even some of the German natives are starting to wish for by now.

Happy NUKE Year!

The New Year starts with fireworks, therefore around this time I always find myself looking again at the most epic ones ever made.
Here area few of my faves:

The above are basically music videos with awesome visuals (put on full screen!), but of course there are also documentaries on this most fascinating subject. I rewatched this one:

Nukes in Space was also made by Peter Kuran and narrated by William Shatner (AKA "Captain Kirk" of the USS Enterprise), just as the first one of the series, Trinity and Beyond.

Besides these amazing documentaries I also highly recommend the books Nuclear Weapons and Plutonium by Jeremy Bernstein. I personally prefer these two over The Making of the Atomic Bomb by Richard Rhodes, although the latter one has a better rating on Amazon and is certainly a classic, and it does deserve to be, it's brilliantly written and goes into much detail. But that's also the reason why it's quite a chore to read it from cover to cover - which I did, but I think it took me months - it's more than 800 pages and also goes heavily into politics which I'm not particularly interested in, and I read other stuff in between because due to its size this epic volume isn't one you'd want to take along when traveling. The two books by Jeremy Bernstein, mentioned above, are much more to the point and easier to read, especially if you're more interested in the actual science and facts about these ingenious and fascinating weapons.

Of course, there is also lots of informative material on the subject found online, for instance the Nuclear Weapon Archive, even if it doesn't seem to have been updated in a long time.
And sometimes you can even stumble upon new interesting little facts formerly unheard of, such as the "red mercury" hoax - ?! I'll have to read that article now and perhaps dig up more.

Anything else? Oh yes... HAPPY NUKE YEAR!!! :D

The Howling Demons Sang To Him With Fiendish Songs Of Grief

I'm certainly glad the hated xmas days are over once more, despite my gym fortunately being open 24/7/365 so that I could simply keep doing business as usual. Still those days invariably have a depressed mood, and I think that's not just me, I've heard the same from others who are not bound in a conventional family lifestyle - as well as statistics saying that suicide rates are higher on xmas than at any other time of the year.

So besides the obligatory workouts I kept myself busy with my usual interests. I still haven't found any useful literature from the Darkside perspective; instead I only found another few, more general ones dealing with a consciousness-centered concept of reality and debunking materialistic reductionism which I have started putting on my Amazon wish list.

Of course it has come to me that I may have to work out my very own path all by myself, and I guess that's even what a Satanist is supposed to do. Yesterday I complained to a friend how the "Satanic" literature I've so far come across seems to be written either by people who are only out to make money with it and who don't really believe in Satan (E.A. Koetting, Michael W. Ford, and of course most notoriously A.S. LaVey & Co.) or by such who are totally on the loony train, writing about vampirism and other nonsense. I don't even care for fiction about vampires due to its silliness. (It usually has sexual connotations - sexuality in general being something grotesquely incomprehensible to me, in a bad way, not in one that would wake my curiosity.)

But talking about fiction, I found today this wonderful documentary about my favorite author, H.P. Lovecraft. Having been familiar with his world since my early teens it has always somehow been part of mine as well and thereby a source of comfort when I needed one, along with other dark or Satanic art.
I feel I have something in common with Lovecraft - certainly not his xenophobia nor am I in any way conservative, quite in the contrary, as I actually am a being somehow alien to humankind as a whole, a rebel not by choice but by nature since I've always felt that the common categories of nationality, gender, and even race or species don't apply to me, so I think in these aspects I'm quite the opposite of him. But the common ground is a certain dark and very introvert temperament, the preference for written correspondence over socializing in crowded places, and generally a predilection for meaningful conversation, for pondering cosmic vastness and mystery. The soundtrack of life in minor scale - although I can make jokes, and enjoy them too, and even be quite silly at times, I'm still mostly a serious person, and I guess sometimes even with some sense of nostalgia.
- "If it's not broken, don't fix it." - Is this really the only reason why I got myself from a flea market the very same type of telephone my grandparents had when I was a kid? Probably not, because this is the only type of phone I've ever had in my life, the only type I want, and I specifically searched the flea markets for one like this.

Number isn't mine but the previous owner's. :)

Now here is the documentary:

 What puzzled me was when that Goth lady in the documentary said that deep time is something you don't usually consider in daily life. Myself I've always been thinking in magnitudes of millions or billions of years. Like Lovecraft I'm for the most part self-taught (nearly entirely, actually) and I learned early in childhood about the ages of the Earth and the solar system and thereby thought of human life as a pretty ephemeral nuisance I had to rather unwillingly go through. Fortunately I've since found ways to actively take charge of it rather than simply enduring it... :)

A thing that somehow pained me still, just like back in teenage when I was so eager to find the real Necronomicon and to open its gateways to the unspeakable beyond, is when they said it's just a fantasy.
But then again, as oftentimes before, I felt compelled to ask myself again, what really is a fantasy? Where does it come from? And lastly, what can you do with it?
As to where it comes from, the most likely answer seems to be, from the same source where everything comes from: Consciousness! And if it comes from the same source as everything then the answer to what you can do with it is actually: Everything! Which is to some good extent illustrated in the above video.
What Lovecraft gave to this world has created lasting changes. Far beyond yielding enough material for people to talk about in a nearly 90-minute documentary, it produced vast amounts of literary and other work by other artists, building on it - besides even some dead-serious cults, as mentioned. Art is not meaningless, it is even very important! Art is the process of manifesting something from the realm of ideas which hadn't existed in this physical world before. Prose, poetry, as well as visual and musical art - they mean so much to me! Even if it's mostly only these darker kinds of it that speak to me.

So the solution to my quest of late may be in just adapting what I've learned from the white-light folks about non-physical realms beyond to my own different, dark nature. If there are those said thought-responsive regions of the non-physical universe beyond then they can yield not only icky love-and-light-stuff but, thank Cthulhu, cyclopean monsters and unspeakable horrors as well!

So I'm closing with this beautiful and very suitable song which also would never have come into existence without H.P. Lovecraft. I took the title of this entry from it.

Fear vs. Danger; Fear vs. Love

I spent the Solstice, Sunday, riding my bike to Cologne to meet up with some friends, especially one of my best friends who, although not a Satanist, is on a very similar quest for the meaning and true nature of existence as I am. It was a beautiful afternoon, even if the shortest one of the year. I started out on the trip still feeling depressed but returned feeling already much better.

And now... those stupid holidays are upon us and hopefully quickly over, and I'm trying to ignore them, doing business as usual, reading, listening to awesome music such as this

and this

...and updating my blog.

Here are a few things I still meant to get into.
I left off with the request of recommendations or information about books, or other publications, discussing dreams, out-of-body experience, the afterlife, or consciousness in general from the Satanic point of view, but so far no one has been able to give me any. I'm left wondering if really nothing of this nature exists yet... even while having to remind myself how back in my childhood and early teenage I had deemed myself to be the only Satanist in the whole world - a world I admittedly had seen very little of, and I hadn't ever met any Satanists in it and was made believe by those simpletons in excuse for a family that anything of such nature, along with vampires, witchcraft and other things spied in movies belonged in a realm of fantasy and didn't exist. It was a truly bleak, small, hopeless, joyless world in which I grew up... but enough of that.

Even in later years, anything Satanic was exceedingly hard to come by. But much *anything* was very hard to come by in the days before the internet, and before my access to it. Such as shark plushies, for instance.

Bela Jaws

But back to Satanists and their relations to consciousness, afterlife, etc. - do they really feel no need to discuss or research these things in depth? I find this hard to believe, but all I usually find is lots of meaningless metaphors and mythology, and all too often inane and unsavory superstitions about bodily (sexual) functions. When it comes to authorship of any more comprehensive publications either in print or online it's mostly just the above.
And so I'm wondering, is it really only the god-people who ever discuss these things? And I'm deliberately saying god-people and not Christians, not in order to make fun of them but because they may not all be Christians at all. William Buhlman expressly states that OBE and the non-physical "heavens" are not a matter of one's personal choice for or against any religion. But since he then proceeds to get into all that unconditional love stuff, it obviously is only for the white-light people, or whatever you would want to call them collectively. They still are those who bow down to divinity, whether or not they ever go to any church, synagogue, or mosque to do so. They are the ones subservient to goodness, lawfulness, and meekness. Theirs is a path very different from mine.

Maybe I'm once again caught between all fronts, but that would neither be news nor an all too unique position. Others are caught up elsewhere.
Someone I enjoyed only a brief friendship with before he left Facebook in a fit of anger (about Facebook itself, I had nothing to do with it) even stated how he rejected the label of "Satanist" for himself and preferred either Luciferian or "Diabolist" instead, for the reason that the term Satanist has been so much abused for things that it is not and thus has become associated with things we would never want to be associated with. While this is true I disagree about abandoning the term of Satanism for such reasons - the name of Satan Himself is in it and it therefore cannot ever be abandoned, even if others who do not worship Him have unrightfully claimed it, stolen it, soiled it - those have never been Satanists; the only Satanists are us who do worship Him.

Another thing I somewhat disagreed on is the disdain my friend held for what he called "reverse Christianity". I personally never took much offense in this term since I've only known it as what real (theistic) Satanists are usually called by LaVeyans, and thus not overly negative but merely something to be expected. But what he was referring to is acts of blasphemy which he apparently deemed most unnecessary as he didn't acknowledge the Christian god at all. Myself I do see valid reasons for expressing one's utter hatred and rejection of god - more vehemently even when confronted with the "unconditional love" stuff mentioned above. It's not that such terms just arouse a strong response of revulsion in me that I feel urged to voice but I rather feel the need to explicitly state my adamant refusal to ever embark on that path - or should I say, to ever be assimilated by it. Because that's what it seeks to do.
It's not that I mean to insult the Christians in their faith, or any other religious people - they are only human beings and thereby unimportant; my quarrel is not with them but with their god, the entity that seeks to assimilate all in its delusion of "unconditional love" like getting a junkie hooked on heroine.

Those love-people also claim that fear is not real. Elsewhere I've heard it said that "fear is not real, but danger is." While the latter expression is somewhat more reasonable in at least acknowledging danger it is still incorrect - fear and danger are not the same thing, but both are real.
But let's for a moment go there, assuming fear is not real - what is fear at all? It is a very primary emotion arising from a creature's instinct of survival and self-preservation.
My favorite fiction author, H.P. Lovecraft, called it the oldest and strongest human emotion in which he is certainly right, except that it's not even a uniquely human one; it's shared by other animals as well. It's their self-preservation sounding the alarm; thus being of much more fundamental importance to survival this emotion of fear is certainly both older and stronger than that of love. And that's my point: If they claim that fear is not real, then how on Earth can they believe that love is??!!!

So you can either believe that fear and love are both real or both illusory. Both are equal in being animal emotions. My position is acknowledgement of their existence as well as of the need to control them. Both can work either for or against you, but if you lose yourself in love you're equally lost as in fear - or probably much worse since fear causes you suffering and thereby the desire to free yourself from it.

It's somehow like the belief in Satan and God: If you believe in the existence of one then you ought to believe in the existence of the other, or alternatively you may believe in neither of them, but either both or neither, else you'll make very little sense.

I found another interesting website and some more potentially interesting books, but as usual nothing related to the Dark Side.