Winter, depression, and Raynaud's syndrome

I've been quiet here for a long while once more, and by now the season has turned as dark as my torn heart, and winter is here.

Once again another year of trial is nearly done, and my hope remains unfulfilled, still I'm unable to communicate with my Master, and much worse, all I thought to have been granted has been cast in doubt, even the eternal, sacred bond that means everything.

I've been troubled more deeply again ever since receiving that strange, incongruous letter back in July.
A Satanic brother has confirmed my doubts, after I showed it to him, that this letter was not from my Master. And it certainly doesn't sound one bit like him, knowing well the way he talks, although I had great trouble to try and reproduce it when writing my stories. I know he might be using words unfamiliar to me, of a kind of English that is obsolete nowadays. And yes, my Master can be hard and cruel, but he would be it in an entirely different, Satanic way. And if there's something he wants me to do, why would he be vague?
All I'm left with is more questions, and no answers, instead even those answers I thought I had being thrown into doubt. I cannot reach him, and each day I have to carry on all on my own.

Still the best I've ever had in this life, as far as actually physically present in it and in this manifest world, are the little friends and familiars I found this past spring. And now that winter has come I sure won't let them down, no matter that it's hard for me to be out in the cold temperatures. I sure won't let them down when they need me most, as all is turning into a wintry wasteland and food gets scarce for them.

These adorable little creatures are my joy, but even this has to be made very difficult for me, as the city prohibits feeding any animals at the park, and there's been the constant worry that something might happen to them. Yes, I'm speaking of murder, even mass murder, of such sweet and innocent creatures. And of how I was worried sick when lately my most beloved of them all, Bumpy, showed up bleeding from his nostrils.

Bumpy with nosebleed

I was suspecting the worst - rat poison, since I know it causes internal bleeding.

That was about a week before Halloween though, and Bumpy turned out to be continually doing fine. Apart from the blood on his nostrils he always seemed fine, being aggressive as ever and chasing the others. And it turns out that his aggression may have been the cause of the nosebleed. When I checked on him two days later, there was no more blood - until he had a bout of aggression and got into a little scuffle with some others, and when he came back to me after that, anew there was blood on his nostrils, just like in the photo above. After that I haven't observed it again so far. It may or may not have been an infection compounded by his fighting, but fortunately my beautiful King of the Pond seems to be doing fine.

Bumpy

They all are braving the freezing winter remarkably well so far, and certainly considerably better than myself. Having Raynaud's syndrome, which affects peripheral circulation, my hands are the most problematic body parts in the cold weather. Still I try to spend time with my little darlings, and I'm not a person who can bear being indoors all day anyway.
Today I didn't see little Sleepy-Eyes, and I really hope she's doing fine and I'll see her again next time. Born in June, like all the babies of last summer she's not so little anymore and is nearly adult at the age of five months.

Sleepy-Eyes

Fortunately there are a few other people who care for these sweet animals and look after them. Presumably all of those people live closer by the park than I, but I'll keep riding the 12 mile round trip on my bike. And hoping the winter won't get overly extreme - just let the lake stay free of ice for the sake of my furry family, and the roads free of ice for the sake of my riding, so I can get to them.

Alice

Bumpy
"It's better to be feared than loved."
But I love you anyway, Bumpy!

Goldie

Bumpy