I somehow didn't bring the
previous entry to the full conclusion I had intended since I wanted to get it posted on the relevant day... so I uploaded my Bela Jaws instead.
I picked up a few more points in the meantime, such as someone saying one should always search inside oneself because what really matters is the self which would be sought in vain outside or in someone else, and that they had found themselves to be the soulmate they had previously been looking for. I tend to agree with this. I've said for a long time: Don't ever make your own happiness depend on anyone else.
Yes, I know well this may be easier said than done, even for someone generally not very susceptible to the emotion of love. (As I already admitted previously, it's a sweet shark who got me. And it would indeed be very hard to be happy without him.)
A question that came up in a discussion was, if the death of the body is not the end of individual existence but a mere transformation, as I have suggested, and if so much of what we feel is determined by
brain chemistry and the brain being left behind as part of the body, then how much of the person I was would really be left?
I pointed out that if you're at least a child old enough to read this then none of the atoms in your body are the same ones you were born with. Even the entire human skeleton is completely replaced about every 7 years or thereabouts, and of all the cells in your body only about 10% are actually human - the rest are bacteria that live in and on our bodies forming a
microbiome which is indispensable for our health (for instance, we need the bacteria in our intestines to digest our food, and the natural flora on our skin helps fend off harmful molds and germs). Our bodies can be seen as large colonies of cells in a continual state of dying and being replaced. Even our DNA can be altered by our choice of lifestyle. And also the matter that makes up our brains is in constant flux, it is merely the pattern which is for the most part maintained. The only thing relatively constant about the person we are is nothing physical, it is our personality, and even it can and does undergo changes over time.
At least this much I can grant the materialists: We truly are impermanent indeed, at least in the way we are today - not because we will cease to exist though but because we are constantly evolving patterns.
What do I really still have in common with the little girl I once was?
In the process of our learning and development we will inevitably change our views on many things over time. My personal changes were particularly radical. Initially appearing as a rather quiet and obedient child enduring my oppression in silence,I burst out into total rebellion very suddenly at age 11. Somewhere deep inside this spark of Luciferian rebellion had always slumbered though. For instance, I remember when I was in elementary school our class once went to see a theater play, I think it was "The Wizard of Oz". I barely remember the story but only the evil witch in it; I later asked my mother to go and see the play once more - because I had fallen in love with the evil witch and wanted to see her once more. I also remember drawing a picture of myself and the witch holding hands. She had shaggy, fiery red hair and wore a red dress.
Whenever I fell in love later it would always be some evil characters or beings - and to clarify, "falling in love" for me always meant the same innocent infatuation, there was never anything sexual about it, to this day.
It is this attraction to the Darkside, to some evil characters - later as a teenager it would be Freddy Krueger from "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and I still love him, as a very good friend - which I still recognize the most as being
myself when looking back at that little girl I was.
But apart from that, what is the one thing that has really always remained constant throughout my life? The one thing that defines me as distinctly myself, standing completely apart from anyone else in the world?
My consciousness, the experiencing
self. Ever since I was born I've been looking out at the world through these same eyes and never through anyone else's - at least not in waking life. These eyes are part of my body and the body will eventually be left behind. But I mentioned waking life because dreams are an exception. I still experience looking out at
some world each night - while my eyes are actually closed and my body motionless and asleep in the darkness. At that moment I am unaware of my sleeping body in the darkness though, I experience sights and sounds and communications pretty much the way I experience them in waking life, even if under changed rules, with the dream environment readily reflecting back my inner state of thoughts and emotions.
This is the one thing that never changes and whose existence we cannot doubt: the experiencing self. This is who we are and always will be, no matter how our physical body changes - and I really mean no matter how: not only whether you dye your hair a different color or you gain or lose a lot of weight, but even if you could completely alter your shape and turn into, say, a bird - you would still know this bird is you because you would still be experiencing from the perspective of your unique self.
It is for this very reason that I have a so passionate interest in dreams, because of their quality of reflecting back our inner state. In certain ways dreams are a safer environment to interact with: if you happen to get run over by a bus, although it may be horrifying, you will most likely simply wake up. In certain other ways the waking world is a safer environment though: your thoughts are your very private matters, no one else can spy on them or let alone act on them except yourself. In a dream however, whatever you think or feel will quickly manifest and take on a life of its own. Dreams are therefore a great training ground for gaining better control of the state of our
selves, something I'm not good at and still require a lot of training in. I stated before that "stress is caused by giving a shit" and I maintain that anyone who doesn't accept me as I am can go and f*** off because I don't need them. But apparently I still allow myself to be bothered too much by people, as evident from my dreams. I'm mostly able to cope to some extent; in the
lucid dream I related a while ago where the streets were full of crowds who bullied me I was at least able to kill them by throwing lightning bolts, so I kept the upper hand - but I'd have preferred they hadn't been there at all and I'd have been able to do something completely different instead.
A person who fortunately doesn't bother me any longer in waking life is my mother - we've been out of contact for years and both the happier for it - but in dreams she's still a frequent intruder. The other night I tried to send her this
video of a pooping shark to state my opinion but, as typical for technology in dreams, it didn't work. LOL
