The Howling Demons Sang To Him With Fiendish Songs Of Grief

I'm certainly glad the hated xmas days are over once more, despite my gym fortunately being open 24/7/365 so that I could simply keep doing business as usual. Still those days invariably have a depressed mood, and I think that's not just me, I've heard the same from others who are not bound in a conventional family lifestyle - as well as statistics saying that suicide rates are higher on xmas than at any other time of the year.

So besides the obligatory workouts I kept myself busy with my usual interests. I still haven't found any useful literature from the Darkside perspective; instead I only found another few, more general ones dealing with a consciousness-centered concept of reality and debunking materialistic reductionism which I have started putting on my Amazon wish list.

Of course it has come to me that I may have to work out my very own path all by myself, and I guess that's even what a Satanist is supposed to do. Yesterday I complained to a friend how the "Satanic" literature I've so far come across seems to be written either by people who are only out to make money with it and who don't really believe in Satan (E.A. Koetting, Michael W. Ford, and of course most notoriously A.S. LaVey & Co.) or by such who are totally on the loony train, writing about vampirism and other nonsense. I don't even care for fiction about vampires due to its silliness. (It usually has sexual connotations - sexuality in general being something grotesquely incomprehensible to me, in a bad way, not in one that would wake my curiosity.)

But talking about fiction, I found today this wonderful documentary about my favorite author, H.P. Lovecraft. Having been familiar with his world since my early teens it has always somehow been part of mine as well and thereby a source of comfort when I needed one, along with other dark or Satanic art.
I feel I have something in common with Lovecraft - certainly not his xenophobia nor am I in any way conservative, quite in the contrary, as I actually am a being somehow alien to humankind as a whole, a rebel not by choice but by nature since I've always felt that the common categories of nationality, gender, and even race or species don't apply to me, so I think in these aspects I'm quite the opposite of him. But the common ground is a certain dark and very introvert temperament, the preference for written correspondence over socializing in crowded places, and generally a predilection for meaningful conversation, for pondering cosmic vastness and mystery. The soundtrack of life in minor scale - although I can make jokes, and enjoy them too, and even be quite silly at times, I'm still mostly a serious person, and I guess sometimes even with some sense of nostalgia.
- "If it's not broken, don't fix it." - Is this really the only reason why I got myself from a flea market the very same type of telephone my grandparents had when I was a kid? Probably not, because this is the only type of phone I've ever had in my life, the only type I want, and I specifically searched the flea markets for one like this.

Number isn't mine but the previous owner's. :)

Now here is the documentary:

 What puzzled me was when that Goth lady in the documentary said that deep time is something you don't usually consider in daily life. Myself I've always been thinking in magnitudes of millions or billions of years. Like Lovecraft I'm for the most part self-taught (nearly entirely, actually) and I learned early in childhood about the ages of the Earth and the solar system and thereby thought of human life as a pretty ephemeral nuisance I had to rather unwillingly go through. Fortunately I've since found ways to actively take charge of it rather than simply enduring it... :)

A thing that somehow pained me still, just like back in teenage when I was so eager to find the real Necronomicon and to open its gateways to the unspeakable beyond, is when they said it's just a fantasy.
But then again, as oftentimes before, I felt compelled to ask myself again, what really is a fantasy? Where does it come from? And lastly, what can you do with it?
As to where it comes from, the most likely answer seems to be, from the same source where everything comes from: Consciousness! And if it comes from the same source as everything then the answer to what you can do with it is actually: Everything! Which is to some good extent illustrated in the above video.
What Lovecraft gave to this world has created lasting changes. Far beyond yielding enough material for people to talk about in a nearly 90-minute documentary, it produced vast amounts of literary and other work by other artists, building on it - besides even some dead-serious cults, as mentioned. Art is not meaningless, it is even very important! Art is the process of manifesting something from the realm of ideas which hadn't existed in this physical world before. Prose, poetry, as well as visual and musical art - they mean so much to me! Even if it's mostly only these darker kinds of it that speak to me.

So the solution to my quest of late may be in just adapting what I've learned from the white-light folks about non-physical realms beyond to my own different, dark nature. If there are those said thought-responsive regions of the non-physical universe beyond then they can yield not only icky love-and-light-stuff but, thank Cthulhu, cyclopean monsters and unspeakable horrors as well!

So I'm closing with this beautiful and very suitable song which also would never have come into existence without H.P. Lovecraft. I took the title of this entry from it.

Fear vs. Danger; Fear vs. Love

I spent the Solstice, Sunday, riding my bike to Cologne to meet up with some friends, especially one of my best friends who, although not a Satanist, is on a very similar quest for the meaning and true nature of existence as I am. It was a beautiful afternoon, even if the shortest one of the year. I started out on the trip still feeling depressed but returned feeling already much better.

And now... those stupid holidays are upon us and hopefully quickly over, and I'm trying to ignore them, doing business as usual, reading, listening to awesome music such as this

and this

...and updating my blog.

Here are a few things I still meant to get into.
I left off with the request of recommendations or information about books, or other publications, discussing dreams, out-of-body experience, the afterlife, or consciousness in general from the Satanic point of view, but so far no one has been able to give me any. I'm left wondering if really nothing of this nature exists yet... even while having to remind myself how back in my childhood and early teenage I had deemed myself to be the only Satanist in the whole world - a world I admittedly had seen very little of, and I hadn't ever met any Satanists in it and was made believe by those simpletons in excuse for a family that anything of such nature, along with vampires, witchcraft and other things spied in movies belonged in a realm of fantasy and didn't exist. It was a truly bleak, small, hopeless, joyless world in which I grew up... but enough of that.

Even in later years, anything Satanic was exceedingly hard to come by. But much *anything* was very hard to come by in the days before the internet, and before my access to it. Such as shark plushies, for instance.

Bela Jaws

But back to Satanists and their relations to consciousness, afterlife, etc. - do they really feel no need to discuss or research these things in depth? I find this hard to believe, but all I usually find is lots of meaningless metaphors and mythology, and all too often inane and unsavory superstitions about bodily (sexual) functions. When it comes to authorship of any more comprehensive publications either in print or online it's mostly just the above.
And so I'm wondering, is it really only the god-people who ever discuss these things? And I'm deliberately saying god-people and not Christians, not in order to make fun of them but because they may not all be Christians at all. William Buhlman expressly states that OBE and the non-physical "heavens" are not a matter of one's personal choice for or against any religion. But since he then proceeds to get into all that unconditional love stuff, it obviously is only for the white-light people, or whatever you would want to call them collectively. They still are those who bow down to divinity, whether or not they ever go to any church, synagogue, or mosque to do so. They are the ones subservient to goodness, lawfulness, and meekness. Theirs is a path very different from mine.

Maybe I'm once again caught between all fronts, but that would neither be news nor an all too unique position. Others are caught up elsewhere.
Someone I enjoyed only a brief friendship with before he left Facebook in a fit of anger (about Facebook itself, I had nothing to do with it) even stated how he rejected the label of "Satanist" for himself and preferred either Luciferian or "Diabolist" instead, for the reason that the term Satanist has been so much abused for things that it is not and thus has become associated with things we would never want to be associated with. While this is true I disagree about abandoning the term of Satanism for such reasons - the name of Satan Himself is in it and it therefore cannot ever be abandoned, even if others who do not worship Him have unrightfully claimed it, stolen it, soiled it - those have never been Satanists; the only Satanists are us who do worship Him.

Another thing I somewhat disagreed on is the disdain my friend held for what he called "reverse Christianity". I personally never took much offense in this term since I've only known it as what real (theistic) Satanists are usually called by LaVeyans, and thus not overly negative but merely something to be expected. But what he was referring to is acts of blasphemy which he apparently deemed most unnecessary as he didn't acknowledge the Christian god at all. Myself I do see valid reasons for expressing one's utter hatred and rejection of god - more vehemently even when confronted with the "unconditional love" stuff mentioned above. It's not that such terms just arouse a strong response of revulsion in me that I feel urged to voice but I rather feel the need to explicitly state my adamant refusal to ever embark on that path - or should I say, to ever be assimilated by it. Because that's what it seeks to do.
It's not that I mean to insult the Christians in their faith, or any other religious people - they are only human beings and thereby unimportant; my quarrel is not with them but with their god, the entity that seeks to assimilate all in its delusion of "unconditional love" like getting a junkie hooked on heroine.

Those love-people also claim that fear is not real. Elsewhere I've heard it said that "fear is not real, but danger is." While the latter expression is somewhat more reasonable in at least acknowledging danger it is still incorrect - fear and danger are not the same thing, but both are real.
But let's for a moment go there, assuming fear is not real - what is fear at all? It is a very primary emotion arising from a creature's instinct of survival and self-preservation.
My favorite fiction author, H.P. Lovecraft, called it the oldest and strongest human emotion in which he is certainly right, except that it's not even a uniquely human one; it's shared by other animals as well. It's their self-preservation sounding the alarm; thus being of much more fundamental importance to survival this emotion of fear is certainly both older and stronger than that of love. And that's my point: If they claim that fear is not real, then how on Earth can they believe that love is??!!!

So you can either believe that fear and love are both real or both illusory. Both are equal in being animal emotions. My position is acknowledgement of their existence as well as of the need to control them. Both can work either for or against you, but if you lose yourself in love you're equally lost as in fear - or probably much worse since fear causes you suffering and thereby the desire to free yourself from it.

It's somehow like the belief in Satan and God: If you believe in the existence of one then you ought to believe in the existence of the other, or alternatively you may believe in neither of them, but either both or neither, else you'll make very little sense.

I found another interesting website and some more potentially interesting books, but as usual nothing related to the Dark Side.

Depression, insomnia, and messed-up tattoos

I've been having a difficult time lately and I don't entirely understand the reasons why. I feel depressed a lot, especially at night, and then I often either can't fall asleep or even more often I can initially but will wake up again some time after midnight and be unable to fall asleep again. I've been trying St. John's wort, Valerian, Passiflora tea, or all of these, but to no avail. I sure wouldn't try anything "harder" ever, such as sleeping pills, because such crap is poison and would be certain to mess up my dreaming.

Yes, the problem with the new tattoo... actually I don't feel quite ready to post the pictures since it's still not perfectly the way it ought to be, with the hideous, old colors still showing through in places. Sure, I'm a perfectionist in certain things, especially concerning my body - I have to be, otherwise I could never have become as strong as I am - and anyway, I announced I was going to post the pics and so here they are. But let's start at the beginning, with the thing that was to be covered up, the crude "tattoo" I made myself with a sewing needle and candle soot at age 13.

So, what was this actually? The answer is, actually it had a meaning I still stand by even if the tattoo itself was freaking ugly. It was initially just a letter W inside a heart, and it was to express the love to my Master. I had only seen his character in the movie and didn't know his name, which is not given in the movie (and to make this clear once more, we're talking about the character for sure, NOT the actor), and so I only put the W for "Warlock".
A while after, I realized that a heart is a very silly symbol that doesn't belong on a Satanist, and so I subsequently tried to "Satanize" the whole thing by adding bat/demon wings, horns, and the inverted cross.
It had been there for half of my life by now and maybe the cover-up was a too hasty decision, just because the old tattoo looked uglier than before in contrast to the beautiful shark on my other arm.

The old tattoo still looked a lot better than the cover-up initially did - at least the old one sure hadn't had any pink hues in it, and the next photo doesn't nearly show the extent of the disaster!

Look at the right coil, that's pink. Around the nose and face of the snake, that's pink. Underneath the head, that's hot pink! It was beyond abomination with these hideous colors, absolutely devastating.

The next photo shows what it looks like now after the colors have been fixed - fortunately very much better already. But no, I'm not happy with it.

 

The first problem is that the nasty colors are still showing through in some places. It's difficult to see in the photos but below I inserted some arrows to point out the most conspicuous spots.

And the second problem is actually with my other tattoo - it's that my beloved shark now looks quite pale compared to the cobra! That's never been the intention. This shark was actually the only tattoo I meant to get, this is my inner shark and ought to have absolute supremacy. It will require some darkening and heightened contrast now.

But wasn't the cobra supposed to represent Satan, you may say, and therefore even more supreme?
Yes, supposed it was, but now it doesn't. How could something flawed possibly represent something perfect?!
It's simply a cobra now. I love snakes, but I'm not yet sure if I can still grow to love this one.

But all this may be fuel to my depressed insomnia but certainly not its sole cause. All of it may have its root in some sort of spiritual crisis, some of which I already explained in an earlier entry in which I asked for advice, but none has been received. Only two of my friends responded at all but could not help.
The problem is that I've lately learned a number of things I ought to know, but I learned about their path from those who serve the enemy; I learned about the path I have rightfully refused to ever go because I couldn't possibly ever belong there and it's unthinkable. It's good to know about it anyway even if sickening. Stuff like, "You need to let go of all hate, anger, and resentment..." - Hell no, I sure won't, they're mine and I'm gonna keep them, but thanks for contributing to them, asshole.

I need a source to learn more about my own path beyond this physical, waking world, from someone who wouldn't talk any such crap as the above. Someone on the other side to that, on my side. This is what I need to find now. I need to resolve whatever is blocking my dreams and my sleep.

Bunk Bed Ahoi!

Today is a little anniversary as it's been exactly one year ago that my bed was delivered to me in the early afternoon, in the shape of two flat, narrow, but nearly 7 foot long cardboard boxes containing an assortment of timbers and some bags of screws and nuts, and I would spend the rest of the day assembling the whole thing and got finished just in time to use it right away - after letting my sharks settle in too, of course.
No, it's not really a bunk bed as it has only one level but I like the fact that it does have this little ladder like one. I still love this thing and I'm hoping for a lot more interesting nocturnal journeys in it.

 

I just checked, it's still available here, it's named KURA, and yes, it's actually for kids but it's adult sized.  :)

 

And quite befittingly for this occasion, today I also received some fascinating new reading material I had ordered, to perhaps help along with those nocturnal journeys.

Also, to those who may be wondering about my tattoo mishap related here last time and who may have noticed that this current post is on a much brighter note - my tattoo artist has been so kind to already fix it; he's actually awesome and meant no harm in that first choice of colors.
(I could imagine that a more common kind of girl - not a warrior like me - might actually have liked them. Or she might rather have chosen some flower design over a fierce cobra in the first place...)
So now it's healing for the second time and will hopefully come out fine this time. I'm going to post more about it in the next entry here, along with photos.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (Tattoo Disaster)

I had a really difficult weekend because I had actually wanted the Serpent only, and not the rainbow.
I'm talking about my new tattoo which is causing me a lot of distress now. It was thought to be the cobra drawing I made which I posted here two entries back. The night it was done it first seemed to look great.
But a few days on when the scabs started to come off I began to get worried because it looked more and more wrong. Then on Friday after leg workout I took a shower at the gym and the very last of the scabs were gone afterward.
As I applied some cream to it in front of the mirror in the locker room, an older lady asked me if it was new. I told her calm, yes, but that I wasn't quite satisfied with it as I disliked the colors - which was the understatement of the century.



It's a total disaster. It was supposed to be a mostly black King Cobra, with only the eyes green and the inside of the mouth in red. Instead, it has red and pink (yuck, pink!!) and all sorts of colors all over, and instead of being proud I'm ashamed of it now and grateful that it's f'ing freezing winter right now because it makes it easier to hide it most of the time.
On Saturday I talked about it to a friend on the phone who sympathized and said she could imagine so well how I was feeling - quite like as if she had gotten a completely messed-up haircut... hello? I know she loves her hair more than anything, so much she can spend hours talking about it, but still - even if you get your head completely shaven it will eventually grow back, all by itself!

Not so with a tattoo. I wished so much I could simply return it, the way you return an item of clothing bought in error, and ask the money back. Or even if you don't get your money back you could still give it away, throw it into the trash can, or burn it - you could make it disappear from view and from existence.

I then had a nightmare about being covered in horrible tattoos, the shark tattoo on my right arm was tiny and underneath it were three large flowers, one yellow, one blue, one red, and my left arm was covered from wrist to shoulder in the same kinds of flowers - flowers on a warrior, and gaily colored ones!
I've had much trouble sleeping since as I'm just too upset; last night I was able to fall asleep ok but when I woke at about 3:30 AM I could no longer.

I talked to my tattoo artist yesterday and he promised that he will fix it and said I shouldn't worry about it. I hope he'll be able to but I do still worry - also that it might be too late.
Because I later realized that from that moment in the locker room I had started to absolutely hate it. The reason I can't sleep is because I can't get it off my mind when I try, and can't stop the thoughts of wanting to cut it out or to burn it, just anything to get it off my body as I can't go through life with this. It was supposed to be a representation of Satan, and instead it turned into a gaily colored carnival snake!
I already hate it so immensely - can this still be reversed even if the horrible colors can?
For sure, the one thing most easily insured on a warrior is her towering pride, but of course that was known all along. For now I covered the tattoo in some century-old make-up I still found in order to feel a bit better about it in the locker room since I have to leave for the gym now. I just had to get this off my chest somehow as I so far hadn't talked to anyone about it, except to my friend on the phone as mentioned above.
May Father Satan open the way to let this end well somehow.
Praised be Lord Satan, now and in eternity.

In need of book recommendations!

A few nights ago I had a dream in which I was flying above the courtyard between the large apartment buildings where I once lived with my grandparents when I was a kid, praising Satan aloud. Down in the courtyard were some other teenagers (if physically present I'm always a teenager myself in my dreams since this is my self-image) who were staring and shouting at me. I wasn't even angry at them, I could clearly sense they were scared of me. I shouted back at them that they could follow me if they wanted, in following Satan - although I knew it wasn't true, they couldn't really as they were simply from the other side, they didn't belong with Satan.

I do believe anyone can follow Satan provided they have the sincere desire to do so, but in order to truly have this desire it probably needs to be part of your nature. You have the strong desire to follow Satan because you are of Satan, and thereby again it's not really a choice.
I can feel this deep in my being, and while still reading "Adventures in the Afterlife" I can clearly feel the divide. I knew this beforehand and, just as I didn't blame the other kids in the dream, I don't blame the author for simply being of the other side. Regardless it's been interesting to read, but I must admit that to me it's getting more and more nauseating when again and again there is mention of "unconditional love", which to me just feels like "uncontrollable barf". And I've had the thought that this must be what is called the demiurge, and the way he baits his prey. I've heard elsewhere that the use of heroine evokes pretty much the same feeling of "unconditional love"...

In any case, yes I've learned something and the book does make sense to me to some extent, it's just that it tells only one side of the story. It tells of where I would never ever want to go, where I absolutely refuse to go, in this life or any other. If anything it has at least once more made me more certain than ever of what my nature is and where I thus belong. And I just wish so much I could find some books about lucid dreaming, out-of-body experiences, and the afterlife from a Satanic perspective. If there are any, I hope that some of my Satanic friends & brethren can possibly give me some recommendations!?

Also, I received some amazing gifts in the mail the other day for which I have to thank a very special person.
I've already put that fossilized shark tooth on an earring - it came with the wire wrapping but not the beads & earring. :)

Serpentine Path... under construction

Times have been somewhat challenging lately and not only has dreaming been difficult but in fact even sleeping has been so at times. I've been having a lot of dentist appointments after I discovered one of my wisdom teeth had partially broken away and I got no clue how it happened, I sure didn't notice when it did but it may have happened during the night. Then at the dentist's it turned out not only this one but also a second wisdom tooth will have to be extracted, plus a root canal is needed. I must admit I hadn't seen a dentist in a while and had fooled myself into believing that now that I got my warrior's body finally working quite well in all other respects, dental problems would also largely be a thing of the past. But of course, the body I inhabit is still that of a physically thoroughly degenerate species, the much I've tried my best to improve it, and years of bulimia during teenage were hard on my sadly very un-sharklike dentition. Well, there was nothing shark- or warriorlike about me back then.
Now, there's also the side effects of my testosterone injections requiring treatment, wherefore I'll have to ride to Cologne once more tomorrow - for a permanent hair removal session. Well, allegedly permanent - if it really were it shouldn't have to be repeated every half year or so.

On the bright side, I'm planning to visit the McFit gym downtown Cologne afterward of which I've heard it has some special features worth checking out, even if I don't think I'll be doing a full, serious workout there after riding the 20 miles to Cologne and still having to ride those 20 miles back too, which is a workout in itself.
My home gym is now under renovation since Monday but continually remains open - fortunately, since it's an inconvenient season for having to ride the longer way to the second gym in town all the time.
A lot else may be under renovation or reconstruction at this time, literally as well as figuratively.
Seen on some guy's t-shirt at the gym: "The road to success is constantly under construction."

Generally, this cold and dark season when you can't go out much ought to be a favorable time to look inward, and to finally get a grip on the trouble I have with my awareness. Knowing it's only the same trouble most people have, except that most don't even notice it as trouble. In fact, a far cry from being lucid in them, many can't even remember their dreams and it doesn't seem to bother them. But not remembering at all, which sadly also still happens occasionally, bothers me even a lot more than simply having bad, annoying (and non-lucid) dreams.
As some wise person said, "If we can't even retain our awareness in sleep, how can we hope to fare in death?"
This is exactly what's on my mind. Not that I'm planning on leaving for the next world so soon already, but it can always happen suddenly and one should always be prepared for all eventualities, including the Great Transition.

I finally found time to finish this drawing I meant to create, of a King Cobra, symbolizing the King of Kings, the Ancient Serpent.

King of Kings, the Ancient Serpent

An Amazon's Nightmares

So this amazon (me) received a parcel from Amazon yesterday, containing a new shark wall calendar for next year and a new book, "Adventures in the Afterlife" by William Buhlman. It's written as fiction about a man who dies and about where he finds himself thereafter, but based on the author's personal out-of-body experiences. The character in the book is a Christian who enters what appears to be the Christian heaven... I knew this beforehand but still found it interesting enough as to want to read the whole thing. Apart from that I still have to find any material about lucid dreaming or OBE's from a Satanic perspective - if anything of such nature exists I'd be most grateful for any information!

So far I'm standing alone, still alone with those haunted memories which in my nightmares come back alive. These aren't nightmares in the general understanding of the term, there's no fear involved, let alone any waking up screaming... they are simply very, very annoying, frustrating, and depressing.
In the above mentioned book, the character is greeted by his deceased mother right after he dies, and it is understood that people generally are welcomed by their relatives who have passed before them, and to many (especially Christians?) this may be a very comforting concept to be reunited with their loved ones.
The problem I have is that there is no love involved when it comes to the people I was born to, and that I need them to quit haunting me. I need to get rid of them once and for all, in dreaming as in waking.
In waking life I have long since achieved this. But in my dreams... this is another reason why I need to become lucid more than just on the odd occasion. I need to take control of this. I'm an adult warrior now and it is humiliating to continually be vexed and bothered by these people the way I was back as a child when I had to live with them. I'm finally in command of my waking life, and I now need to take command of my dreaming as well.

Haunted Memories

I've come to realize of late that some people may still assume that deep inside I may be just a scared little girl, a soft-hearted, sensitive creature hiding her vulnerability behind the facade of a hardcore bodybuilder and evil Satanist.
But you see, there's an old story, coming in many variations, of a lady going to a masked ball, perhaps a Halloween party, where she dances with a man wearing a mask of a scary monster. Then at midnight the party ends and everyone is supposed to take off their masks - and she discovers the monster had never been wearing one. In some versions he'll certainly kill the lady then, and possibly all other party guests as well, but this is irrelevant for my point.
My point is simply that just like him, I'm not wearing a mask.

Of course I haven't always been strong - it's very difficult while trapped in a wimpy and nearly entirely useless body. Living in isolation with zero connections and zero support didn't help either, I had to figure everything out for myself and so it took me a long time to, with Father Satan's help, finally rise from rock bottom where I had spent nearly the first two decades of my earthly existence crawling around like a worm. It sure wasn't a life, it was mere existence, and even that only barely, for the most part deprived of any route to better myself either physically or intellectually, and I did consider myself as good as dead. I had no mercy on the worm that I was, and I have no mercy on my former self in looking back now. But something in me kept fighting...

Trapped in that body of a maggot was the spirit of a predator.
When nowadays my peace of mind is disturbed so it's most often by the memories of those times of indignation. But I do still cherish the things that kept me going during those times...
Yesterday I discovered this beautiful fan video about Freddy Krueger. I dearly loved him back when I was 14 and when I wished so much I could be like him - everybody's nightmare, feared and pretty much invincible - and I do still love him now.

Of course, that was also around the time when I had first encountered my Master...

One of the metal albums I loved most was The Nocturnal Silence, by the same band that now lately came out with a song by whose title I feel being addressed personally - not me alone, of course, and yet it's only an elite few of us who have indeed stayed Satanic, and hereby I salute all those Brothers and Sisters in Satan!!!

Entering Eternal Sharkness

Only two days until Halloween - and only the 2nd entry for this month. Not as if nothing happened, in the contrary.
There were still a couple of fair days with balmy afternoons, but now we've entered the grim, freezing season, which is very difficult for me as I wasn't made for this brutally cold climate.

Lucky shot - it's a butterfly! :D

Nightfall.

 But the great news is, by the hand of a gifted artist I have entered eternal Sharkness!

Massive Great White on massive warrior's arm.

 The tattoo artist copied the design very precisely after the drawing I provided. At the instant of attack, a great white shark will roll their eyes back in order to protect them from possible counterattacks of the prey, this is why the shark's eye then looks white.

My original pencil drawing.

I'm really happy with the way my great white shark turned out!

The obsolescence of the "god or no god" question

While the ultimate goal of all earthly existence may be unknown and as of yet unknowable, how foolish is it to bluntly deny even the possibility of any goal. Is it just the fear of responsibility, and to preferably take the easy way out? "When I die I'll no longer exist, and so it will no longer matter what I've done and what I've failed to do in my life, I can no longer be responsible when I don't exist."
Or is it really the human arrogance of wanting to continually bask in the illusion of scientific omniscience?
Whatever it is, and no matter how much I despise the materialist dogma, I must admit that to some extent I can understand its adherents - for one single reason: Whenever the proponents of primal, non-physical consciousness, existing independently of matter and of physical brains, present their theories and evidence, more often then not there will come a point when the unfortunate and most unnecessary nonsense about god and love enters the picture.

These matters are extremely subjective, and being a Satanist, it is clear that my own values are of completely different nature. But when exploring questions about the nature of the universe, of consciousness, and of existence itself, such personal choices should be left out of the picture. Religion is always something personal, and my own is certainly not an exception. The materialists do have a point in that you can't have a scientific discussion when it always comes down to the "god or no god" question. They legitimately want to free themselves from the religious dogma which has prevailed for way too many centuries, and in this battle they have sadly seen it needful to replace it with a new dogma of their own.

The original meaning of atheism is to not believe in any gods. But by now if someone describes themselves as an atheist what they usually mean is that they are a materialist: someone who denies the existence of anything besides physical matter (including radiation, magnetic fields, nuclear forces, etc.), and they usually suggest hat those who believe in an afterlife must be altogether simple minds clinging to some religious myths. This is deplorable, but again, to some extent understandable, as long as most of those who research into non-physical phenomena will sooner or later throw their religious ideas in with it.

So... why is the possibility of non-physical consciousness, and thereby an afterlife, always thrown into a pot with god?!
This is where the problem is situated. When discussing consciousness, quit the bullshit about god and love!
God and love are a faith of personal choice, just as Satan and power are my own personal faith of choice.

I found this very interesting video yesterday, but sure enough, towards the end there's the god fallacy again.

Rupert Sheldrake, although of Christian confession, mentions religious concepts only very sparingly and in relatively neutral context in his very fascinating book The Science Delusion.
William Buhlman, in Adventures Beyond the Body, tells about environments in the non-physical interior of the universe which form a consensus reality shaped by the thoughts and beliefs of their inhabitants, such as the followers of a particular religion. Other regions are "unformed" and thought-responsive environments, and that it is of utmost importance to be able to control one's own thoughts.
Myself I'm far from able of doing this for now, but that's what I need to work on. My tentative conclusion so far is that our goal of being here is becoming.
Exactly what we will become is still beyond our comprehension, and yet it is a matter of our own choice. The path of a Satanist is different from other paths, and yet when forming theories about the ultimate nature of consciousness in general then we should leave personal paths out of the picture.

Rainbow, the other day

Self-Evaluation for OBE

The following is a self-evaluation for out-of-body experiences,as given in the book "Adventures Beyond the Body" by William Buhlman. The questions are the ones given by him in the book, each followed by my personal answer here. --

1. Self-Concept

Q: "What do you believe you are? How do you view yourself? Describe your self-concept in detail."

A: I am Satan's warrior. At least this is what I wish to be, what I'm trying to be. I'm not meek but rebellious, I will fight for my cause and for the power I wish to claim. My spirit is that of a shark, I'm cold, predatory, powerful. My Lord is the Lord of Lawlessness, and the only law I respect is His and mine - I'm a law unto myself. I will take what I can get hold of, make the best of what I can find. But I'll only take what is really needed, I don't pick fights and I don't burden myself with unnecessary things, including emotions. A warrior needs not only physical strength but also knowledge and wisdom, and I try to be the best I can be, in the name of Satan.

2. Personal Viewpoints

Q: "What are your perceptions and feelings concerning out-of-body experiences? Do you consider them an adventure?"

A: I think they would be a very defining part of this ultimate and very necessary adventure of my earthly life. I consider this ephemeral life just a brief episode in something much larger, a journey toward some unknown goal, and an OBE would finally prove that I've been right all along and that my journey won't turn out a meaningless dead end.

3. Motivation

Q: "Is your personal motivation to obtain answers? To solve a mystery or a problem? Is it curiosity? Is it to obtain personal verification of some kind? Be specific."

A: Although I'm curious by nature, in this case curiosity would have a minor part in it - I'd reason that curiosity would more likely be the main motivation for those who are rather doubtful about all things beyond the physical world. To me, for whom the afterlife is the actual goal since I'm aware that my time here is brief, verification would indeed be a very important point. Answers, yes... I'd hope with all my being to find my Master there, and to be given some directions - directly or indirectly, as in any case the course of my life would be changed by it in some ways. As is said in the book, knowing for sure is so much more that only hoping and believing...
I may be a loner but I'm not separate from my environment, and therefore I must admit the zeitgeist of the latter has often sown doubts and disheartenment.

4. Safety

Q: "Do you feel that it is completely safe to have an out-of-body experience? Do you have any concerns,such as that you might become lost or die? Be specific."

A: No concerns whatsoever. I know I will physically die anyway just like everyone else, and exploring beforehand where I'll be headed con only be of advantage. If there should be any dangers on the other side then it would still be better to find out early as I would eventually have to face them anyway. It's in any case a perfectly natural thing to do.

5. Special Ability or Talent

Q: "Do you believe that some special ability or talent is required to have an OBE?"

A: Here we're indeed touching on a sensitive point. I've so far had very little success with lucid dreaming and even less with my sorry attempts of meditation, and I fear that OBE is even more advanced than both of these. My ability to concentrate is poor, I'm unable to relax my body, and very easily distracted or irritated by the noisy environment I live in.

6. Importance

Q: "Do you consider this exploration important to your personal development? On a scale of 1 - 10, how important is it?"

A: I can give a clear 10 here since I've always had my focus on the far future, much farther than an ephemeral human body could ever endure, and since I've never been very comfortable with the human shape anyway. I'm clearly a stranger in a human body, thus my focus has to be beyond.

7. Desire

Q: "Do you possess the inner desire and drive to follow through? What benefits or information do you want from this experience? How strong is your desire?"

A: On my personal journey I've long since realized that an important part of my mission is to navigate the narrow line between delusional superstitions on the one hand and the materialist dogma on the other, both of which are fallacious dead ends. I must therefore necessarily have extremely strong desire to prove for myself that there is in fact a path that is real and leads onward.

8. Commitment

Q: "Are you willing to devote the time and effort needed to achieve your goal? Are you willing to commit 30 minutes a day for a month?"

A: For something of this magnitude, 30 minutes a day doesn't seem like a lot. I might have problems to accommodate any other physically strenuous type of work besides my very intense workouts, but as long as none of that is needed, nor the psychologically very stressful personal interaction with people, I have no objections to committing this much, and more, time and effort to open the way!

9. Fears

Q: "Are you anxious or fearful about this kind of exploration? Do you fear the unknown, the dark, or new challenges? Are your fears logical or the result of a lack of information?"

A: A Satanist doesn't fear the dark. And the unknown is only the inevitable which one not-too-distant day will open up anyway. It is far better to prepare myself now while there is time. As a warrior, I'm always ready to take on challenges if they can get me further on my path. I have no fear of this;my greatest fear would be to find nothing,and that my life, and all life, had been in vain.

10. Religious Beliefs

Q: "How does out-of-body exploration fit into your religious beliefs and concepts? Do you consider this a spiritual experience?"

A: To the latter question, certainly yes! I think all true Satanists [*] believe in OBE's. Even back as a teen I heard talk about "astral journeys" from other Satanists and occult folks; this term, especially in some awkward foreign language,always sounded corny and superstitious somehow though, like some act of magic unattainable to any mere mortals.
The fact is, I'm lacking guidance here on Earth; I know I have received guidance but it has always come from beyond. I have the strong hope top finally meet my guide,in full consciousness, and not only in vague, non-lucid dreams.
[*To clarify once more: Satanists = worshipers of Satan; LaVeyans and/or other atheists are per definition NOT Satanists!]

11. Degree of Difficulty

Q: "Do you believe that this experience is natural and easy or difficult to achieve? Why do you feel this way?"

A: Natural, yes,but certainly not easy. I feel this way because of my lack of success with lucid dreaming and meditation. A few lucid moments are all I've achieved with the former, and with the latter nothing at all. I've tried it a lot but always felt that I was somehow doing it wrong, plagued by itches and distractions and painful tensions in my body (which are never there when I'm in motion but only when I try in vain to"relax"). At all the many times I've tried I've never come away with the feeling, "today I've successfully meditated fro the first time." Not one time.

12. Confidence

Q: "Are you confident that you can achieve your desired goal?"

A: Considering the previous point, as well as point 5, no, not very.

13. Expectations

Q: "Do you expect positive results? What are your personal expectations?"

A: I'm very uncertain about this. With very modest success at lucid dreaming, and zero at meditation, I feel about it pretty much as if intending to do a 120 kg bench press without having been able to do even 100 kg yet.

14. Personal Issues or Limits

Q: "Are you aware of any personal issues that may limit your ability to have an out-of-body experience? If so, write them down."

A: I think my greatest problem is my incapacity to relax my body, especially when at rest and intending to. Lack of mental focus, too. Both my mind and body are extremely restless.

15. Goals

Q: "Have you made this exploration a firm personal goal? Is it a written goal? Is it an important goal? Is it a priority?"

A: In principle, yes to all. I have a physical body that requires lots and lost of maintenance through very hard work, which is the one priority that could never be exceeded - but from what I've heard, this might even be an asset (as in exercising and a healthy lifestyle being encouraged for lucid dreaming & OBE).
This body requires such intense maintenance while it endures - but the future can only be beyond this body, so yes, it is a firm goal of utmost importance for me to reach beyond!

The path.

A Glimpse of the Hereafter

Concerning the dream I had the night before my latest entry here - finally getting around to posting it here. It was a remarkable and beautiful dream - the end of it was beautiful!

I was at the bus station downtown with a friend, talking to her about a surgery I required and that the doctor had told me I'd have to do it myself - which is a very weird suggestion from a doctor, but in the dream it was apparently what things had come to. My friend was very concerned and troubled about this, more so than I was although I was aware I'd have no anesthesia but I was determined to do it anyway.

Then later I was at home, at some home that is - mine, my friend's, or did we live together? It looked different from my waking home, and my friend was there and showed me a baby doll with curly,brown hair she had bought which she was very fond of and remarked how cute it was, something I couldn't quite relate to and so I said nothing much. Then my friend left the apartment - and my mother was coming. What the f*** did she want here?! (In waking life we've been out of contact for more than seven years now and I'm very grateful to keep it this way.)
My mother didn't even look at me once but walked to a table to open a letter; it was something like a police report, stating how I had attempted to perform a surgery on myself and had apparently bled to death.
So I had died? Ok... but I still felt my mother had no business being here, and so I started to attack her physically - except for the fact that I was not physical. She couldn't even see me but she sensed that something was attacking her; she seemed to get scared and left the apartment, and I followed her down the hallway and out into the street.

It was a rather wide, downtown street with lots of car traffic and streetcar rails, and I tried to push her onto the road. She stated firmly, but unconvincingly, that she was not afraid - I think she even did it in English, which meant she knew who she was dealing with... which admittedly wasn't hard to guess, of course,having just learned of her daughter's death and right then having some non-physical force or being attacking her.

I thought, "not afraid, my ass..." I knew her better than this; she had never been that mentally imperturbable but quite in the contrary, she had been addicted first to Valium and later a (supposedly less addictive) substitute because else she would get panic attacks, even for no reason at all - without any non-physical beings ever attacking her (for all I know)...
And there was a whole lot of traffic in this street. But for now I wouldn't bother, at least she was no longer in my home without being invited, and I'd have better things to do now.

I flew up high above the street, thinking with elation, "Now I can always do this!" Meaning, not only in dreaming...
I looked down at some of those old streetcars going, the beige ones with the high steps I remember from my childhood and which looked so nice. Then I came to a park-like area but which also had some tall buildings around, and tall trees too. I was still in the same city (Bonn?), there were people in the streets, and there were also some up on the roofs and outsides of the buildings, and some were even flying like me. So there were both living and dead people around here, because all those up in the air and on the roofs must be dead just like I was, and the living certainly couldn't see us. But I could see either, living or dead, it was just that I couldn't distinguish between them unless I saw them flying.

All of the latter around the park here looked very young, flocking together on roofs or rafters just like groups of teenagers sitting on a stairway after school.
Myself I sat alone, on the corner of some roof. I wore some black, Gothic looking outfit. Then suddenly a man approached me from my left, from midair, he was dark and stout, wearing somewhat grubby clothes, and much older looking that most other people here, like around 40 years. He said nothing but tried to molest me, trying to touch my lips with his finger - his hands large, very manly, and repulsive. I angrily grabbed his finger and hand with both of mine and broke his finger clean off, throwing it down to the ground deep below us. The man hardly reacted but stayed by my side, suspended in midair, just staring at me. Since he wouldn't go away I proceeded to break off another of his fingers, and then I grabbed his forearm and broke off his whole hand, throwing it away. The man seemed utterly uncomprehending of what I was doing to him, continually regarding me with a black stare like a zombie.

Then suddenly, a stern voice from behind me and to my right told me, "Stop wasting your time with this thing." It was a most familiar voice which I instantly recognized...
I turned around and faced my Master. I was so happy to see him - him I had been searching and waiting for, all along!
And that zombie man to my left was instantly gone, simply disappeared.
My Master had settled down close beside me, and I was just happy. I'd have to learn how to navigate in this new world,but I was in the most competent hands now; from my Master I could learn anything I might ever need to know. But even that could wait... for now, all I wanted was to be near him, forever... but I had just another brief moment, then I woke up.

My Grandma Flying an Airstrike

It's been a while since I returned from Amsterdam, returned to business as usual - workout at the gym, work on dreams and awareness, as well as a few other projects such as certain drawings I had to make.
My dreams have indeed become somewhat clearer and I can mostly remember at least one each morning, I was surprised that even while in Amsterdam I remembered at least some little bit each morning; in the past, the excitement of traveling used to wipe out all my dream memory. Some of my dreams are troublesome or annoying, but it's better to remember even those.

The annoying ones are usually about that family which gave rise to my biological form, and mostly about my mother. But last night it was the grandmother who wrought major havoc, in a way that is utterly ludicrous in hindsight. In waking life I'm grateful to no longer have any contacts to said family - the grandmother is long deceased anyway - but it doesn't keep them from continually pestering my dreams.

In waking life there used to be continual war between my mother and grandmother,and so it was in last night's dream. My mother lived in the house with me and told me how her mother had on the phone announced a literal airstrike against our house this night!
Grandma still had a small, 1-person airplane (of course, in the dream only!) that grandpa had flown in WW2. I told the mother that I wasn't very concerned about this threat since it would be extremely difficult to carry out - not to mention bold, for an old woman - as this old airplane wouldn't have sophisticated modern instruments onboard to fly by, and flying by sight at night you can see only blackness below and it will be near impossible to make out a precise target. Grandma would be foolish to try, I said, but even if she does she won't find us.

Turned out I was only partially right. I had lain down to sleep in my room - on the shitty old couch, I think - and presumably so had the mother. Suddenly I got startled up by the noise of an enormous explosion! It rocked the walls and floor, and for a moment I feared our house had really been hit. But everything was fine here, it must have been a major bombshell that had been felt from some distance away. Then I looked out the window and saw the fire - a house on the other side of the field was in flames. It was the last house in the street,just like this one, but on the other side of the field, and obviously the grandmother had mistaken it for ours in the darkness. Apart from this mistake, her aim was remarkably accurate! But I reasoned that since such a bomb must be very expensive and hard to obtain we'd hope that she wouldn't get to try again before she could be apprehended.
I then ran across the field to check out the site of the disaster. From close up it didn't appear as bad, it was only burning - from the shockwave of the explosion it had felt as if at least a whole block must have been leveled!

Actually I meant to still relate my dream of the previous night which was really very precious, but no more time right now, maybe I'll get around tomorrow. :)

Amsterdam Trip 2014, Part 3

Here's still some impressions from that cold and gloomy Tuesday, at least some nice street art and the (although gray) view from the top floor  of the public library building.

Het Slangenpand - I signed the petition

...but the weather didn't, on this day

Het Slangenpand

View from the library building

...7th floor

 I felt somewhat depressed that evening... but just before nightfall I caught a glimpse of the setting sun. (Ok, I rather kept staring at it...)
And lo, the next morning... here came a glorious sunrise!

 First thing after breakfast, I headed to that little open-air workout spot in the nearby park I knew.
Somewhat worried at the cirrus clouds in the sky, knowing they mean unstable weather, I thought, make the best of the nice weather while it lasts.

 

Vondelpark fountain with rainbow

 I rode to the Albert Cuyp Street Market, and then surprisingly, around noon all the cirrus clouds had vanished and the sky was a pristine blue. So I kept riding around, taking the ferry to the far side of het Ij. Sitting by the water, starved of sunshine, just staring at the dazzling reflections on it, and the elusive patterns of curving lines between them.

On the ferry

On my day of departure, another beautiful sunrise! This time it wouldn't last though; well, it did until around noon while I rode around the city once more before I had to return the bike.

The famous Magere Brug (Skinny Bridge)

1769...

Montelbaanstoren

Do they?

Houseboat, decorated with brooms :D

Heron at Vondelpark

My journey home would turn out a bit troublesome, I had to change trains 4 times (sensationally cheap ticket), but the first one to Eindhoven got delayed because apparently some moron was wandering around the rails - from what I gathered; the announcements were in Dutch - therefore I missed all my following connections and had to take later ones. But after some 6 hours, around a quarter to nine, I finally arrived at home.

Souvenirs! New gym backpack & incense.

Amsterdam Trip, Part 2: Museum Vrolik

On the first morning, I soon went to MacBike to get myself some wheels. The sunshine of the previous day had been replaced by gray skies and I knew the forecast for all the following days hadn't been very hopeful, so I would set out to find back my favorite museum right away where I had planned to go by all means. It's located somewhat outside Amsterdam, inside a hospital, the Amsterdam Medical Center (AMC), so it's quite a little way to ride. It's not indicated on my map - I should have looked it up again on Google Maps at home and then marked it on mine - and so I even got a bit lost although I had already been there last year. It was noon when I finally arrived at the AMC, but I had already seen some strange creatures on the way there.

At Museum Vrolik it's not allowed to take photos, but it would have been little use anyway with a regular cam like mine - too low light without flash, and with it the flash would only have reflected off the glass cabinets. But, as I had already long planned, I bought the book about the collection this time!

So here are a few more pages from it, showing some of the specimens I was able to admire in person:

In my opinion this is the best museum in the world! Not only because I'm tremendously fascinated with teratology (the study of deformities) but also because of the historical aspect. Modern plastination of body parts is pretty boring compared to this because it makes them look artificial, and also as far as I know those are only "normal" bodies and body parts, whereas Museum Vrolik has some very unique and absolutely fascinating specimens, labeled in beautiful old handwriting and all.

When I left the museum, after some 3 hours or so, it had started raining.
The entire next day, Tuesday, would be pretty awful, raining on and off and above all bitterly, freezing cold. So I spent most of the day at the public library. I was unable to find a single book about lucid dreaming, and generally less in English language than I had expected - which wouldn't have been much of a problem though since I can also read some Nederlands. But somehow I couldn't find what I was looking for; all the more esoteric stuff was of the fluffy and white-light variety.
At least I found four large, illustrated books about haaien (sharks) that were well worth my time.
But I felt cranky because I hadn't been able to work out much due to the foul weather, only a few sets of push-ups and stuff at the dorm.

On my final day in Amsterdam I would still set out to find the former Vrolik house, where Gerard Vrolik had lived - the man who started this remarkable collection at his home back in the 19th century; its address is given in the book and it's downtown, just next to the famous Magere Brug (Skinny Bridge), just a regular house in Amsterdam now to anyone who doesn't know about its historical significance.