To fiets or not to fiets?

I had meant not to fiets this day.
But first off, I was glad everything went well with this bus tour, apparently organized via Facebook only, and which initially seemed somewhat dubious to me; I was also a bit worried that not having any mobile devices, unlike most people these days, would put me at a disadvantage. But then again, I'm also smarter than most people and capable of handling things the old-fashioned way... :D

In this manner, the year 2015 won't have passed without me seeing my dear Amsterdam at least for a day.
Arriving there in under 4 hours, I first was bewildered when the bus driver continued past Amsterdam Centraal and all the way to Houthaven ("wood port"), but then turning back to reach the station on a wide detour. I figured it probably had to do with the IJ Tunnel being closed, as a sign had informed earlier.

Amsterdam Centraal (Central Station)

Good to see my Amsterdam once more, even in winter - it wasn't even very cold for the season, just mid to upper 40's, hadn't it been for the very stiff wind of more than 20 mph which made it feel a lot colder. This supported my original decision not to fiets,  I'd be here only for a few hours anyway so it wouldn't be worth it, I thought, but then...

All these fietsen! :)

Me, standing over a pile of shoes
at Waterlooplein Market

 ...after walking around for just a brief while I quickly got sick of it and wanted to fiets!

Mine for a few hours - a fiets! :D

And at Waterloopleinmarkt there's a MacBike rental, and so I went there and rented a fiets.
(For those who still haven't guessed it: "fiets" is Dutch for bicycle, and the verb "fietsen" means "to cycle".)

Police (station?) on stilts, no idea why.

So I rode on to Albert Cuyp Market where I bought some incense, hair ties, and a pair of leggings; then I went on to a little mall where I knew there's a butcher's where I could get a very good grilled chicken leg for lunch. The rest of the day I lived off granola rolls.

"Bottle Holders". Are you supposed to
wear these around your neck?? Weird.

 I found nothing at the bookstores that I'd have needed by all means, although I did see a few shark books. On the bus there had been no reading light anyway (I guess because most people have funky gadgets instead of books these days), and the entire trip back, starting at 8:30 PM, would take place in deep night. Night starts falling just after 4 PM at this season.

This kite seems to be part of the
"Amsterdam Light Festival".

In the end I did find the little agenda I'd been looking for. I'd been looking for one in Germany already; last year I'd been so lucky to happen upon one in multiple languages and since I got used to writing little diary entries in it (mainly tracking workouts) I wanted one for 2016 again but the only ones I could find were entirely in German. I didn't find any English or multilingual ones in Amsterdam either, at least not for affordable prices, so I bought this one in Dutch for 3 € at a sort of drugstore, and I like Dutch. Even when it says nothing about fietsen. ;)

My little Dutch Agenda 2016.

The only little disappointment was that after walking all the way to the public library (I'd had to return my fiets by then because MacBike rental closes at 5:45 PM) where I meant to spend the remaining time until the return trip, I found the library closed due to some internal event there. So I kept walking around some more, at least most of the stores were still open although most usually close by 6 PM otherwise.
At one souvenir store there were lots of plush animals, but no sharks among them. The shop owner asked me what I was looking for, and I said that I'm looking for sharks, and he asked, "what is that?" LOL!
I tried to explain it's big fish with sharp teeth - I was tired, else it should have come to me to simply try and say, "haaien". :)

The bus left Amsterdam even a few minutes early with everyone accounted for; I had been worried that some people might have gotten lost somehow and we might end up having to wait for them, but fortunately not. Pretty exactly at midnight the bus arrived at Bonn main station. I had written out in advance my possible connections home from there, and the next opportunity was a subway train; I'd have to walk a mile home from the nearest station but I preferred that over waiting half an hour for the bus which would stop closer. It was still lively at the subway station, some drunk was shouting around, lots of people passed through changing trains, two guys came pushing along bikes and I thought, I wish I could borrow that fiets from you right now to get home... and then an old man came along with a huge oar that was 10 or 12 feet long. He ended up sitting across from me and another man and apparently tried telling us how he ended up with that oar on the train, all jolly and laughing; I understood very little but had to get off after a few minutes anyway while the train would continue toward Cologne.
I was home and in bed just before 1 AM.

Today I'm a warrior, not a roll of TP

Today I'm a warrior, once again.
Of course I try to always be a warrior...

I meant to post again much sooner, still meant to write one about Anti-Natalism and my views on it but so far didn't get around; I also meant to finally (and very belatedly) post my Halloween song which I managed to record already but I'm not yet perfectly happy with it, plus I still need to write down the lyrics. All of this at some later time though; for today I'm just writing this brief post about my workout strategy - the psychological side.

I actually came up with this particular one ad hoc, right while I was on it, but it fits in the general picture.
I was running the treadmill once more today; I never do long cardio sessions but rather relatively short but hard ones, favoring high intensity intervals. Today it was 30 minutes and I hardly ever do any longer runs than this.

All in all there were 6 intervals of high speed, ~20 kph or above, the first 3 being a minute in length each, the latter 3 being only 30 seconds, with slower stretches (8 -12 kph) in between. The final interval would be the fastest at 23.1 kph and, hamstrings still sore from yesterday's good mornings, I told myself: "If you're a warrior you're gonna make it - if not and you have to slow down then you're a roll of asswipe!"

Fortunately I can report that I came out a warrior this time!

It's ok though to occasionally be a roll of asswipe for a while, as long as it's not most of the time. Occasionally it even should happen, because if it doesn't then it would mean the goals I'm setting for myself are not high enough and it's too easy.

The injured warrior, and Captain Janeway encounters the Demiurge

Even before the end of European daylight saving time, the first night of bitter frost is already behind.
I'm recovering from injury of which I don't even know how exactly it happened, just doing a dumb stretching move in between exercises. Before that, I had finally managed a 100 kg bench press once more, then incline bench press with 36 kg dumbbells. Then that dumb move which caused a brief pain in the shoulder, then it seemed ok again and I continued, flies with dumbbells, then flies on slings (not talking about insects here, just for the uninitiated: "flies" is the term for a chest exercise). Rode home, cooked lunch. Then in the afternoon the pain started. It was continuous, made it hard to sleep; the next day was worse. It was extremely challenging to change clothes, my left arm was pretty much immobile at the shoulder. The second night was worst, I moved from my bed into an armchair because in the sitting position I could rest my left hand on my thigh which gave at least a bit more support than when lying down - I even managed to sleep a bit.
The first day I hadn't been sure if I'd even be able to ride the bike, but it was possible and so I decided to ride to my doctor on Thursday. She quickly determined I had strained my bicep tendon - apparently badly.

I still bought some arnica ointment at a drugstore then and also took ibuprofen as advised by my doctor although it's been perfectly ineffective on the pain.
The injury happened last Tuesday and I wasn't back at the gym before Saturday for just some very lame 20 minutes on the treadmill and a single abs exercise, reverse crunches on the mat, the only one not requiring to hold my arms anywhere near my head. On Sunday I was back for a pretty much regular leg workout - no squats though as I couldn't hold a bar on my shoulders, and my hair annoyed me while running the treadmill as I was still unable to braid it. But I've been getting better each day since the weekend and am expecting to be back to normal soon.

So, what have I been doing with my time while going through this? Among other things, watching Star Trek episodes...
I came across one that struck me as particularly interesting in context to my background, it's a Voyager episode titled "Coda", and I could give it the subheading, "Captain Janeway Encounters the Demiurge". She appears to have died and is wandering among her crew without them being able to see her while her body is lying lifeless. That "demiurge" appears in the shape of her father...
I found an excerpt of the episode's most essential scenes.

This is exactly what the demiurge (AKA "god") is thought to do.
I'd like to hear the opinions of other Satanists on this... if there are any others who watch Star Trek. ;)
Why do I watch Star Trek? I sure don't share the Starfleet ideology, I'm a renegade... but somehow I've always enjoyed the show; the classic series not really, I'm probably too young for it, but The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager. They're among the very, very few things I enjoyed during my tortured childhood.
Kathryn Janeway is my favorite Starfleet captain, and especially in scenes like the above when she's showing her iron strong willpower and determination. She sure is quite a bold fighter!

Rusty Harvest Moon

I know it's been a long silence again... it's been the doldrums.
I had planned another attempt to try and see the Milky Way for the first time in my life, this time from the island of Terschelling. I should have known it was a foolish plan because it's too late a season, but I was in denial of the bleak fact that summer is over and I had to cancel the trip. I think it's the first year in a decade that I haven't been to Amsterdam, and besides the brief overnight bike trip to the Eiffel region I haven't traveled at all this year - and now it's all too late unless I had the money to be able to travel very far south where there's still a bit of warmth, which of course I don't have. (In fact I'm still waiting for a refund from Deutsche Bahn for the canceled trip.)

At least I've seen the "Blood Moon" last night. I first woke up around 3 AM when the dark shadow had started engulfing the top part of the moon's disk. I slept for about another hour, I'd set the alarm for 4 AM to see the start of totality but was awake again a few minutes before the alarm. I watched from the window & balcony for a while, then some idiot neighbor switched on a very bright light outside that was extremely annoying, so I grabbed some long underwear, jacket, boots, gloves, and bike, and went out on the field path. Despite the awful light pollution around I had a pretty good view. The moon looked pretty nice, although a dull, rusty color instead of bright red or orange, but somehow I found myself actually looking more at Orion and the Pleiades, they looked so beautiful. The Swan (Cygnus) was nearly down, low above the western horizon; I could nearly sense again rising from that constellation's vertical axis and then on through Cassiopeia, that's where the band of the Milky Way had to be. With the moon shadowed, if only the surrounding street lighting and occasional headlights could have been blotted out - and with the sky so clear, I'd have been able to see it for real! Once again I couldn't help thinking, what a beautiful world this could be if only it weren't for the human infestation. If only I could choose I'd live in a remote, wild place with no light pollution and no human noise around, where I could see the Milky Way each night if the sky was clear. And also, where the coldest temperature would never fall below 50 F.

It was nearly 6 AM when I got back home but I still went to bed once more to try and warm up again under the blankets. It was already light outside when I got up again, around 7:20, and my hands were still icy.
I had a stupid dream too, about my "grandmother" asking me why the eclipse was already over, as my "mother" had told her it would last for half a year. It was pretty realistic that she might believe such a thing - she was that stupid indeed.
I put in the quotation marks because I don't recognize those people as my "family". I'm glad there's no more contact to any of them - those who remain alive - at least in my waking life. Just the annoying memories remain, and thus the dreams, which is another reason why I seek control of them.

My stargazing journey

This one hasn't been quite fulfilled yet. For so long I wanted to finally see the Milky Way for the first time in my life, and lately I found out there are a few select "dark sky locations" around my corner of Europe, one of them even at a distance still accessible by bicycle! That would be the Eifel National Park, an no wonder I hadn't known about it before as it had been established as a "Dark Sky Park" only as recently as last year.

From darksky.org

I had booked a night at a hostel in a town nearby there called Gemuend, and later canceled the reservation because of rain in the forecast for exactly that night, which would have been Sunday.
On Friday though the forecast still said perfectly clear skies for that night - so I took the decision to go. No hostel reservation - I've always found it so frustrating that you have to book weeks in advance to still get a place which is always a huge gamble with Germany's (as well as Holland's) completely unpredictable weather. When traveling to Amsterdam I may still find something to do on a rainy day, such as visiting the library or some book stores - but in this case it would have been absolutely pointless to travel since stargazing was the only purpose of my journey.

But I decided it would be better not to stay at any hostel - I wanted to watch the night sky, after all, so I'd have to be out during the night. Why pay for a hostel bed I wouldn't use? And getting back there in the middle of the night? I hate fumbling my way around unfamiliar places in the dark, being too tired to move around at all. So I'd rather pack my sleeping bag and stay put somewhere. Which is exactly what I did.

Screen shot from bikemap.net

I left Friday afternoon, having consulted some maps and bicycle route planners in the days before. I also still have a bike map of the region to take with me - yes I admit, having access to the interactive, online versions while on the road would be quite handy, but I don't have any mobile devices and am not planning to ever change this; I prefer the old-fashioned way. (Shouldn't paper maps get a lot cheaper now that hardly anyone uses them anymore??)

From cycle.travel

The first half of the route up to Euskirchen was easy as I'm familiar with it, it's only about 15 miles. I passed through and rode on. Closing in on that place called Mechernich it got steeply uphill; on that bike track next to a road through the woods I emptied my water bottle. "Mechernich 1 km," said a sign. Just one more kilometer and you can get some water again...
Not before riding back downhill. Then I was in the town and found a supermarket. I had to press on, it was nearly 6 PM already.

Near that place called Scheven came another climb. I could see a single white car parked at the top of the hill; there was nothing there but fields and meadows. I thought of staying there as I was tired. Then I saw the McDonald's sign by the next crossroads - get something to drink, save my bottled water for later! I ordered table water and orange juice. "Nothing to eat?" I was asked incredulously. All sweaty from struggling up the hill, perhaps I looked like I needed something. "Only water and orange juice," I said politely, not mentioning that I'd never consider their kind of "food" as such. But the orange juice was pure and with fruit pulp in it, surprisingly good even if very overpriced for the tiny bottle. I then used the restroom, brushed my teeth there for the night and also refilled my second, empty water bottle.

Ready to ride on I finally found the way to Gemuend, it was slightly downhill then for the most part. It was 8 PM by the time I reached the town, but of course I couldn't stay there, I had to get out of residential areas if I wanted to see the stars, and anyway I couldn't camp out in the street with my sleeping bag. So I found the road to that National Park - found it went steeply uphill, on and on and on; no bike track and no sidewalk, just a motorway through the woods, which was, to make matters worse, frequented by lots of annoying folks: motorbikers speeding noisily along like maniacs, and cars, likewise speeding, the stereo turned up with the horrible racket of party "music".
Nightfall was very close and, having been riding for 5 hours by then, I was at the end of my powers but the steep slope of the road stretched endlessly ahead. In my despair I prayed, "Father, Lord Satan, please let me find a place to rest now."

The only way I could see was off the road and straight into the woods, shouldering my bike and walking through the brambles. I was looking for a halfway flat and open place, and then eventually I spied a narrow lane of grass that looked like an overgrown access path used by a vehicle, but not recently. It ended at a small glade overgrown with grass, and some low shrubbery and brambles. There was a tall but dead looking broom shrub near the center; I leaned my bike against it and settled next to it. I was far enough off the road, couldn't see any headlights from here, and it was just in time before it would have been too dark. There was still some distant noise from that damned road and also from the town, sadly it was a Friday night when people must be expected to be particularly annoying... but it was 9 PM by then and I hoped it would get more quiet soon.
I found a huge, black beetle on my backpack which I shooed away. I made myself comfortable looking down the slope toward the south where the waxing crescent moon was still up between the trees, which I knew was due to set by 11:30 PM. Soon I could spot a first star overhead, right by the swirling branches of that broom shrub next to which I was settled. Some small bats were flying to and fro above the glade and I enjoyed to watch them.

Then the constellation Cygnus was right above. I kept watching and waiting for the moon to set. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping much anyway even though the noise from the road and town had fortunately died down for the most part. The starry sky was indeed magnificent, much clearer than I'd ever seen it, but I didn't get to see the Milky Way. At times I wasn't sure whether or not there was some faint glow along the Cygnus constellation but I thought I was probably imagining it.
In the course of the night I did see three meteors though!

I slept very little and with many interruptions. Something was rustling very close to, or even underneath, the head of my sleeping bag. I tried changing position and keeping the sleeping bag tied as closely as possible to keep the bugs out. I had brought a flashlight with me and even spare batteries for it, but I didn't use it even a single time all night.

The catastrophic light pollution in this corner of Europe.
Just above where it says "Nationalpark Eifel"
(underlined in orange) is that tiny dark area I had to find.

Eventually the stars faded and I could see the two little bats circling again. When sitting up in my sleeping bag, a large insect hopped on its head part which I quickly swept away - having barely seen it it that split second I think it may have been the big black beetle from the previous night, which possibly also was responsible for the rustling noises during the night. I got up at 6 AM and ate a bread roll with honey for breakfast which I had bought in Euskirchen the day before. I saw the broom bush wasn't quite as dead as it had seemed at dusk, part of it had been broken by another fallen tree but another part was still alive and carrying black seed pods, I picked two of them.
Then I gathered up my sleeping bag which had served well to keep me warm overnight. I had been riding in only a tank top most of the way, only just before reaching Gemuend I had put on a sweater. Now I had to put on the additional clothes I had brought, and also the gloves, as it had gone down into the 50's. I put on my backpack, shouldered the bike after securing the sleeping bag on its carrier again, and tried to find my way back down to the road which proved to be longer and more challenging than I had remembered it from the night before.

Having eventually arrived on the road I mounted my bike and started rolling downwards, down and down, taking several bends... realizing  how long and steep it was, no wonder I'd felt I couldn't take any more of it when trying to ride up here the previous night after my 5 hour ride!
The town of Gemuend looked peaceful, even sleepy now, deserted by all the noisy crowds of the previous night - the reason I cherish early mornings. However, all I wanted now was to get home, and there were about 40 miles with a bunch of steep hills between me and home which I didn't feel quite ready to tackle again. I decided to take a train but couldn't find the station, so I needed to find someone to ask directions. I found a man carrying out newspapers in the otherwise deserted streets, he was friendly and informed me Gemuend didn't have a railroad station at all and that the nearest one was in the town of Kall, about 7 km away. So I rode there, and in that even more deserted appearing town I found a lonesome, early jogger to ask the way to the station once more. He was also very friendly and I somehow had the distinct impression he recognized me as a fellow athlete.I easily found the station from the directions he have me. The place selling tickets was still closed, a sign with the opening times said it was open from 8 AM on Saturdays. I checked my watch - only about 10 minutes until then, and across a large parking lot was a supermarket which looked already open - time to get some more breakfast! I bought a bottle of diet coke and a bunch of bread rolls, and when I got back the ticket place had opened in the meantime.

I had to change trains in Euskirchen which took a while since the first train to arrive there wouldn't go on its journey, apparently because of defect brakes. All passengers were sitting on board waiting around for about 10 minutes. The driver and a technician were checking something inside a box mounted behind a seat, and as they had closed the box and made their way back to the front of the train the technician said to the driver something like, "I'd never in my life ride with this, Juergen!" Wow... that sounded quite severe. And just briefly thereafter the announcement came over the speakers, asking all passengers to get off the train and walk over to the next platform where a substitute train would be arriving shortly, which it did and there was no further incident then.

When searching for some star charts later at home I found out that the Milky Way would indeed be found where had thought to be seeing that faint glow, nearly perfectly aligned along the "vertical axis" of the Cygnus constellation.

Overhead the Crows

That's the title of my newest song which I recorded yesterday, for the first time with more than one track, including harpsichord, bass, e-guitar, pipe organ, piccolo (all played on my keyboard), and my vocals.
I worked a long time on it, just the right kind of project to fill a rainy day.

I first conceived of the song in a dream over a year ago, in the dream I think it was only "and overhead the crows are whirling," over and over again, is all I remembered then. It sounded much like played on a harpsichord. Back then I only wrote one short verse to it, but now I completely reworked and extended the lyrics to contain much of the theme of that dream.

Overhead the Crows (lyrics)

My music project is coming along

I've kept myself busy with keyboard practice lately and also did a few more recordings.

But besides the videos, I also downloaded a free audio recording program called Audacity which is pretty neat and I can recommend it. It has enabled me to record audio tracks of my songs now; I finished three so far, plus one instrumental version, which I uploaded to Soundcloud and put them in a playlist. (<- find="" p="" right="" them="" there.="">
At this early time I'd say they're still in a pre-demo stage, but nonetheless a good friend of mine took so great a liking to them that she created a page for me on last.fm right away (description text by myself).
This may be quite a bit premature as I started at absolute zero just about a month ago but well, I'll try my best to do honor to it.

I never played an instrument before and I can't read musical notation, I'm simply "learning by doing". As I'm a complete autodidact and taught myself virtually everything I know, at least this general process is  something I'm quite familiar with.

So the plan to proceed is: create & practice more new songs, and as I get more proficient I'll eventually also record better versions of the ones I have so far.
All video and audio files are completely unedited, I simply hit "record" and played and sang along. My friend who created the last.fm page for me encouraged me to stick with this procedure and I think I will, although the Audacity program does allow for mixing multiple separate tracks, editing them, adding effects, etc.
I may give these functions a try since I'm curious by nature - but I'm also kind of old-fashioned in some ways, I feel too much use of technology may be detrimental to true skill and creativity.
My friend, who knows a lot about music, said that nowadays you will only know whether a musician is really skilled if you hear them live - because all the mixing & editing allows completely untalented people to sound talented. So I prefer to simply hit "record" ad basically play live.

I like to write like this.

Stranger to the Law Divine - II

I can play the song now while singing along.
Ok, it's a rather easy one to play, my first one, and it could probably be played in more advanced ways one day. But it's progress!

 

Stranger to the Law Divine - lyrics

I'm working on my next one already which is quite a bit more difficult to play. Getting there.

Other than this there's little progress, or actually there is but I'm on my own - and used to it.
Finished with my last orthopedist who was a charlatan, to put it very mildly.
I tried to talk to him about my findings but only got to hear, "Dr. Google won't help you."
Obviously this person has no concept whatsoever of how information works! Granted, he studied medicine and all, but that doesn't give him a license to insult another person's intellect - an intellect which, I daresay, is quite likely to be superior to his own since back when my IQ was tested - NOT by "Dr.Google" but professionally in the psychiatry when I was about 13 years old - I learned that only 2% of humanity possess an IQ higher than 130 and mine turned out to be 142. If the percentage has changed in the intervening decade and a half then it would likely be even lower now since the human species has greatly increased in quantity since, but certainly not in quality...

My intellect has usually proven perfectly adequate to evaluate information, in particular information that is very relevant to my personal life and health, which obviously is less than relevant to this lousy doctor.
In the end it was "Dr. Google" that saved my life, or rather saved me from losing much, much worse than only my life. The lousy orthopedist told me I'll probably have to live with my back pain and simply take painkillers as needed. I told him Ibuprofen and Diclofenac have no effect on it, and he prescribed me some sh*t called Meloxicam. Of course I informed myself about it - and found it can cause rapid weight gain as a side effect!!! I immediately returned it to the pharmacy. I have no words for how this bloody quack could have ruined my life in the worst ways imaginable!!!

It would be far, far preferable to die right here at this moment than to ever lose any bit of what I worked so hard for, all my life! Any amount of pain is preferable over taking the risk of such horrendous possible side effects!

I'm pretty convinced by now that the problem is with my left sacroiliac joint. Awareness alone of this may already help a bit, and so does warmer weather, and above all, faith.
In the end, it may not be related to my heavy lifting starting at very young age; there are some indications that I might have a disease. But in the end it makes little difference for now; at an early stage it couldn't be diagnosed directly, and I'll in any case just keep living the life of a warrior until it must end in the same way.
I will only ever become more and better than I am now, regression is unacceptable and is ruled out.
In the end it is another trial to prove that I have to, as always, take things into my own hands - this, and faith, is all! I can only ever trust in Father Satan and in myself, all else is fallacious.

~~

Working on a new song already, here's a preview of my practice.

Stranger to the Law Divine

I know I've been quiet lately; times are still difficult, only the occasional summer day here and there in between very chilly weather and I'm still struggling with lots of pain from my messed-up lumbar spine; now it's better, then it's worse again, and common painkillers such as ibuprofen, even in high doses, have no effect on it. I keep doing my workouts regardless of course, but afterward I'll usually feel fatigued and disinclined to go out once more but prefer to read or do some creative stuff only.

I still got this old keyboard from a flea market, I can't really play but maybe I can teach myself (I taught myself everything I've ever learned, after all) - so far just a hint of the melody, and the sound on the recording is pretty awful - for the most part I'll have to sing "a cappella". I wrote this devotional song years ago while traveling some road on my bike...

My recent books & a squeaky toy

Books shown in my video:

Breaking Open the Head 
by Daniel Pinchbeck
The author is a journalist and also a seeker of truth, revealing a deep, personal, spiritual journey in this excellently written book about psychedelics, shamanism, and consciousness in general; it's an account of exciting, first-hand experience and when you're reading it you'll be along for the ride.

Science and the Near-Death Experience
by Chris Carter
I had mentioned in a previous blog how I was already very disappointed by the silly "universal love" bullshit in the foreword, but fortunately it proved limited to the foreword only (which was written by a different author). All the rest of this book is very factual and insightful, even if less entertaining due to its factual nature. It's a collection of data plus conclusions drawn by the author, rather than a personal journey. If you're looking for entertainment this one is not for you, better try the one mentioned above then.

The Doors of Perception / Heaven and Hell
by Aldous Huxley
This one is a very famous classic dating from the 1950's, and even though old it's a classic for a reason, highly recommended for anyone with an interest in consciousness, spirituality, or psychedelics, and since it's less than 100 pages it's not exactly a demanding chore to read. I found it really fascinating; the only aspect I felt a bit alienated by is how Huxley talks lengthily about certain classic artworks without introducing them, as if assuming the reader must certainly be intimately familiar with them too - which I am definitely not; I had only vaguely heard of some, of others not at all, and I'm not sure if this is because of the distance in time (Were all people in the 50's acquainted with those works?) or because I don't have any formal education, but I'd guess the latter is not the reason. It's more likely because nowadays we have so much more choice in the forms of art we enjoy, and all the ones I enjoy have always been far outside the mainstream...

True Hallucinations
by Terence McKenna
...that's the one I'm going to read next.

Let us pray

FIBO photos, and some bad news too

So the month is nearly out & I still haven't posted about the FIBO - the annual Fitness & Bodybuilding expo I attended with two friends on 4-11th.

I've been busy lately, also had a bunch of doctors' appointments, and not exactly happy about the lingering freezing weather.
This morning I spent at another medical office where I'd been transferred for x-rays, and I was in for a surprise, not having expected the cause of my ailment to be shown this suddenly and clearly, and my personal doctor thought it was probably just tense muscles.

After the x-rays had been taken I had to wait another while and then was asked to meet the doctor who had examined them. He first asked me once more what my complaints were, and I told him it's pain in the lower back, toward the left hip. He said that was no wonder and explained that the x-rays showed obvious damage to a disk!
I was quite a bit shocked; I hadn't expected this at all.
He said my personal doctor will have the x-rays by Monday, and I would discuss any further treatment with her then. I told him I'm an athlete and if he could tell how severe this diagnosis really is in this context. His reply was of great comfort to me - he said that without sports it would certainly get much worse, and that it was important to do sports. Thank you, good doctor, that's the best thing I could have hoped to hear!

After leaving the office I quickly calmed myself over the initial shock: Nothing has changed, Diane, you've been living with this for many years now, except you didn't know it. The pain came and went, it used to be to the right side of the lower back the past 2 or 3 times, this time it's on the left. It's not continual. It's not really caused by the cold weather, it's just that cold temperatures make any pain much worse.

As I was already downtown I then went to a drugstore and found they offered a 20% discount on all sports nutrition supplements by their home brand, so I bought 2 cans of protein powder and a whole bunch of protein bars. I'll keep running faster than ever in my life, yep, and lifting heavier too. This is what I do!

 

 

Thanks again to my friend who took the photos - you did an amazing job! :)

Quantum mysticism, but watch your step

No, you're not allowed to collapse my wave function. I prefer to be somewhere out there, unobserved, so my position and momentum remain unknown. I'm both here and not here.
Some random positions are shown below though.

My bike, observed at rest. ;)

Vast fields.

Climbed on top of some wooden thingy.

I loooove these flowers! All over the forest ground,
but only for 1 or 2 weeks each spring.

These were taken about a week ago, on the first and so far only day that went significantly over 70 F, so I had to finally be back out there again!

The next day was FIBO, I still meant to post about that too but I'm really behind with stuff. At least my chemistry MOOC (online course) is finished now, I did the final exam the other day. Only 76%... but well, it's not as if I studied terribly hard for it, all I did was the minimum requirements as I had a lot else going on.

Then there was also that competition for Lucid Dreaming Day, I really felt a need to get creative for that - and I won the 3rd prize!! With this picture:

Shark Breach in Amsterdam

I won access to an online course offered by World of Lucid Dreaming (there's a lot of free info too, check it out). This prize is awesome as I couldn't have otherwise afforded it, it's 50 $. The downside though: the author identifies as a "skeptic". She sees dreams as "fantasy", as "produced by the brain", as "not real". It really puzzles me how someone with this kind of view can have lucid dreams, or how someone with frequent lucid dreams can still hold such a view... either way.
On the other hand, right in the first lesson she mentions, "The French philosopher, Rene Descartes, found his lucid dreams so vivid that he concluded the waking senses are illusory and not to be trusted."
I can totally relate to Monsieur Descartes there!!

As frequently mentioned earlier, it's not easy to walk the line and I again and again find myself in between all the fronts. I'm still reading Science and the Near-Death Experience although I was very put-off by the foreword. It was written by one Neal Grossman and it starts out perfectly fine. His foreword covers eight pages, and I was 100% on his side in everything he said until on page 7 of 8 (paperback version) he starts about a "message" being hidden in all this research, and "the message is universal love." I cringed!!!

You can go to the link above and click on the book to "look inside" and read the entire foreword in the free preview. I didn't fully read it before ordering, otherwise I probably wouldn't have ordered the book. It's just the foreword and the author of the book itself, Chris Carter, still brings up a lot of valuable facts and viewpoints, even going  into quantum mechanics. Still it makes me apprehensive that he approved of having this bullshit in the foreword. And generally - no wonder the divide is this deep, and no wonder the materialists make fun of proponents of a wider view of existence - when the latter more often than not come up with such silly, childish, and entirely unscientific bullshit!

What is love? A silly animal emotion, not more! Sure, I do love as well, I love sunshine, sharks, metal music. I love Bela Jaws (my plush shark). But I'm not saying there's anything special about this. I am an animal, just like everyone else. I love as much as I hate, I get tired and hungry and thirsty - and cold, most of all, much more often than I'd like to! I feel all these things like any animal does, any living organism who has consciousness, any human or dog or fish.

It is simply not rational to see in love anything more than that. From a spiritual perspective it may even be very dangerous, as I believe this is how the demiurge lures in souls to assimilate them. We do not know what exactly waits beyond the end of our bodies' lives, but for this trap I'll be on the lookout.
But spiritual matters aside, as I said, that universal love crap is not rational, but the book is about Science and the Near-Death Experience. And being not rational is exactly what the materialists usually accuse their opponents of, and sadly I must admit they all too often have a point there.

I'm still standing my ground. For the little we can know, I believe consciousness is primal. But no "universal love" bullshit. I'm standing my ground even if I have to stand alone.

Lucid Dreaming Day Competition!

I've been working since yesterday on my entries for the Lucid Dreaming Day competition; you can enter a written entry (a dream report) or a photo entry or both - ONE for each category, that is; if interested you can learn more at the above link to the competition page.

I haven't officially entered yet, there's still a few days left and I'd like to get some opinions first. My written entry stands, but I'm still struggling with the decision which photo to use, therefore I'm showing both of my creations here now before officially entering one of them.
Both are using the same photo of myself, and both also show the same bridge in Amsterdam, but from different perspectives. Since the competition is asking that you're doing a reality check in the photo I have tried to emphasize my watch which I'm checking to find it displaying a very weird time, "star date Y2K".
I have basically no option to take a new photo of myself doing a reality check since I have no one who could photograph me and the next time I'm meeting up with some friends who could snap a pic of me will be on Saturday for the FIBO, only one day before Lucid Dreaming Day, which would be too close and I don't want to have any unfinished business still waiting then, so I had to use an existing photo. But I think my somewhat wondering expression in it is quite fitting.

So, which one is better?

I also still have a more colored version of the second one, which is otherwise the same (except for that rainbow thingy). You can see the weird roller coaster shape of the bridge better in the 2nd option(s), and I took great care to include my hand-drawn shark. :)

What follows is my dream report. It's also an older dream from last year which I have already related elsewhere, but I edited and "de-cluttered" it so as to have it stand by itself.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And Overhead the Crows Are Whirling

I was at home sorting through some old things from my past that I had forgotten I ever owned. I've always listened mainly to metal, and I found some old metal band shirts of mine. Some of them were moth-eaten and no good anymore but some others were surprisingly beautiful, with very intricate artwork on the front and back, of rare bands most of which I couldn't remember to ever have listened to. I was very curious about them and wanted to listen to them, so I took a pair of headphones. If I wrapped the t-shirt around the plug of the headphones, that should do the trick and enable me to listen to the band. Well, seriously?
I was about to try just this but then I figured this was too stupid to possibly work - even in a dream! Wait... in a dream? Oh right...

Having realized I was in a dream I went to the window and passed right through it, I went out flying through the closed window. I had no plans and still rather poor control... but  flying always comes naturally when I'm lucid - and sometimes also when I'm not; I've frequently been flying in dreams even back as a small child, long before I ever read books about dreaming and learned what lucid dreams are and that many people fly in them.

So I just went around the neighborhood and ended up in some backyard where I talked to another young woman until a rude man appeared who interrupted and annoyed me. I think that's when I first woke up and tried to switch on the LED spot by my bed which is set to red color (it's a light that can be set to different colors with a small remote control) because red light is the least disruptive when you hope to fall back asleep once more afterward, since I meant to write down my lucid dream. I switched the spot on and it did work but only very, very dimly (it's meant to be dim but not that extremely); when I tried to make it brighter via remote control it only got even dimmer and dimmer, then back up to the way it first was, and back down. There was only one button on the remote control where there ought to be two to control brightness (up & down). I looked at the wall next to my bed where there was a framed picture showing the portrait of my spirit guide, and told him my conclusion, "I'm still in a dream." In the framed portrait he nodded and said, "very good."

Then I went out, flying through the closed window once more in the same way as before. There were some festivities in the streets outside or a fair, streets were really very crowded. Being a very introvert and reclusive person, I tried gaining height and flying away since large crowds bother me but I still had poor control and couldn't get away somehow. The people kept looking up at me and their stares appeared to work like some weak "tractor beams" on me, I was struggling against their force, futilely trying to gain height and fly away.
Some nasty guys among the crowds started bothering me with stupid remarks and stuff. Since I could not get away I came flying at them instead to attack, I grabbed them by the back of the neck and crushed their faces against the wall, killing them. It was easy, as if their faces were masks with skulls of brittle plaster underneath. I think I killed three men in this way, then I started throwing lightning from my bare hands and killed a few more by striking them with the lightning bolts. But strangely it didn't impress the rest of the crowds very much, let alone cause anyone to run away in panic as one might expect.

I woke up again. It was morning and a female friend of mine who apparently lived with me was busy making breakfast. I was looking around - this wasn't right, this wasn't my kitchen nor hers, and we don't live together! "I'm still dreaming," I told my friend.
"Are you?" she mumbled just by the way, as if this was perfectly unremarkable, and continued making breakfast.

And out the window I went once more, this time even through the closed roller blind. It felt weird, for a brief moment I thought I was getting stuck halfway but then I passed through and was again flying through the air outside with my usual, swimming motions. Having regained my lucidity for the third time I decided now to try something I had wished to do for a long time: transforming into a shark! I even succeeded halfway - at least for a moment and for a first attempt it worked great, much easier than thought! But soon I got distracted again as the streets below were still crowded. Trying to avoid another confrontation with those people I slipped away more stealthily this time. For the time being I seemed to be just a disembodied observer of the scenery below me, unfolding like a movie. The sky was reddish, of vaguely apocalyptic semblance, with large flocks of crows flying, gathering, circling, to some ominous background music, a song that went on and on, "and overhead the crows are whirling..."

There were only some few people in the otherwise deserted, twilight street below, who were headed to a half decrepit sort of church or temple. They were Christians who, frightened by the looming Apocalypse, wished to speak to their priest. Entering the derelict, ancient building, they found the priest awaiting them inside. They were unaware of the fact that he was really "the enemy", but I immediately knew when I saw him. He was Satan's son, from the movie "Warlock: The Armageddon" (played by Julian Sands), he had probably killed the real priest and taken his place.

The small group of Christians were left troubled and without the comfort they had hoped for as their "priest" did nothing to alleviate their fear that the Apocalypse was at hand. I found myself standing inside the ominous temple with them, and now the priest's eyes met mine. The others still had no idea who he really was but I knew, and he knew that I knew and gave me a sinister smile. I would be his chosen accomplice in bringing the Apocalypse upon the world.

When I eventually woke up for real I still had this song of the whirling crows playing in my head, which I eventually spun into a little verse conveying pretty accurately the theme of this dream:

And overhead the crows are whirling,
Black stars that in white space are circling
Like an inverted galaxy;
Darkening the skies, unfurling,
In savage blood and netherworldly,
The blackest banner ever seen.


As a side note, I had this dream in January 2014 and was most delighted about it: I had already tried for years but had always had just the occasional, very brief lucid moment in a dream, every couple of months or weeks at best - now having "survived" multiple false awakenings, this finally had to be the breakthrough!
But I got disappointed. I'm still left wondering how I managed this feat then, or rather, how it simply happened to me. I must admit my lucidity had for the most part faded in the part with the whirling crows and the temple; still I had by far the longest streaks of lucidity I've ever had so far in this dream.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A good Evil Friday

"Evil Friday" is being celebrated here!

Latest updates - as I said in the video, I cut off my hair again by at least 3'', added some slight layering in the front plus some bluish black dye underneath along the sides. All done by myself, of course, as I wouldn't entrust my hair to any other hand. I'm pretty satisfied with the outcome, except that there's still lots of split ends left, but nothing to be done about it; shoulder length is as short as I'd ever go, in fact even as short as I possibly can go without being condemned to permanently wearing some woolen hats in the freezing German climate.

This year it's particularly bad. We already had some few milder days in early/mid March, but lately it's been back to freezing & stormy winter weather.

Some friends at the gym told me this morning they had to scrape the ice from their windshields. Myself I don't have this problem fortunately, I only wear a "windshield" on my nose (AKA sun/sports glasses) when riding my bicycle - this kind of windshield was badly needed these past few days.

"Evil Friday" wine & meat (turkey).
Wrenches are unrelated; I had to
change a wheel yesterday. :D

New hair.

 

 

As for a couple of years now, here's my favorite song for this day - "The Curse of Headless Christ". :D

I also compiled a playlist containing this & a couple more songs, mostly more upbeat (for my standards at least) since it's a cheerful day among Satanists. Maybe I'll add a few more to it. Note: this is a very eclectic list containing a range of genres, I guess most people are unlikely to like all of the songs. :)

3 questions & a prayer (on video)

Lately a friend posted a link to another afterlife account story - another of these "unconditional love" stories I've long heard all too much of, and still I'm left in want of a single word from the other side, my own side, from those who do not take the bait by which the demiurge (AKA "Jehovah" or simply "god") lures souls into its trap to assimilate them.
Although just another voice of the Right Hand Path, I still found an article on that same website that has been slightly useful, as those three questions actually make sense, and so I answered them for myself, and I think everyone can find their own answers on these. So...

1) "Who/what owns me in this life?"
No, no people or institutions for sure!! As in what energies or spirits - the spirit of rebellion, is the answer that came to my mind right away; the spirit that seeks power, not love; independence, not unity; an energy that is defiant, subversive - in a spiritual, not political sense - and thus certainly Satanic.

Which brings us to the second question, which to me seems almost trivial although nothing could ever possibly be of higher importance or significance in my life...
2) "Who/what is my God?"
Obviously, my god is Satan. And I'm not saying this just out of habit and without questioning; as a truly spiritual person you ought to question your path again and again - no matter what your path is. But I come to the same conclusion each time: that this one is beyond question. Spiritually, I can feel where my "home" is: where the outlaws are, those who will not serve.

And lastly,
3) "Am I one with my conscience?"
Yes. This is the path I have chosen, and I am certainly not unified with the creator/demiurge! I am absolutely at one with my choice, it is the only path I want to be traveling, the one that takes me where I belong.

--
The night after I read the article I had a dream I felt to be meaningful in the context.
It was Easter, and the streets were filled with parades; Jesus was with them, and they celebrated his death and his immortality. I looked on and thought that's nothing special really, given that we're all as good as dead - as in, inevitably going to die - and we're all immortal as well as our souls will live on.
If Jesus was to die for them all again now it thus meant nothing.
I would follow my Master, and my Master was there with me - Satan's son.
Jesus died in the street there, and my Master walked up to him and broke off a finger of the corpse, the way you easily break off a leg or wing from a fried chicken, and he bit some meat from it. I was to do as my Master did and broke off another finger, and those fingers of Jesus were in fact like roasted chicken in texture, and not like raw meat and bones.

Let us pray...

The Accursed Rhyme

Scrying for you, dear readers, from my crystal ball. Woe, it is dark, dark visions I see...

The nightmares may be catching on. There's more accursed rhymes where this one came from...

Wear a Snake for (against) St. Patrick's!

The kind of ideas you get in dreams. Well, oftentimes they're not bad and do make sense - at least I feel I can pick out those which make sense, and now here is one.

Little F***-uppy: talking about not wearing green but wearing that washed-out camou shirt underneath. It's old and washed out but still a little bit greenish in places, no? LOL

Anyway, it's camou, not plain green. Damn it. ;)

Busy Springtime & Upcoming Solar Eclipse!

Oh dear, already Sunday again and I haven't even posted the blog I meant to write last Sunday! Finally starting into spring means it's such a busy, busy time, apparently. And last Sunday allowed a little preview, just for one day for now, of what real life will be like again.
I feared it would be terribly crowded everywhere as it was Sunday as well as the first day of the year with relatively warm and sunny weather - but I found a very nice and peaceful place, taking a turn past a dairy farm, a dead end into the woods with no one else around.
Being out in nature feels much more real when walking barefoot. It was still very cold for that, just low 60's, but I hadn't done it in far too long - so long that the beech nuts felt quite prickly under my feet; I need to get back into the practice.
I was also wearing this beaded barrette I had just made the day before.

No, fortunately NOT snow but just a
felled birch trunk.

The cranes were also returning in vast bands across the skies.

A flaming sunset as perfect closure.

The coming week will be busy too; on two days I'll even be working out at different gyms on the way to or from appointments - great that my membership allows me to use any of the McFit gyms all over Germany (and some abroad already, however unfortunately none in Holland yet). On Friday I'll be in Cologne. Since that's a 2 hour ride, and 2 hours back as well, I'll only do a quick shoulder workout then. If I'm lucky enough with the weather I can even watch the gedeeltelijke zonsverduistering ... oops, I mean the partial solar eclipse, on the way! Sorry, link is in Dutch - I tried but since it will only be visible here in Central Europe there seems to be very little info about it in English language; I couldn't find anything on spaceweather.com and I might in fact have missed it if I didn't receive the newsletter from scientias.nl (also Dutch, good practice for me) - only this one here on space.com, but a look there is worth it as it has two links to live webcasts of the eclipse!
I'll pack my welding goggles on Friday. :)

I'll still have to do a chemistry quiz for my MOOC later - I had to abandon the second course I had enrolled for, more than one at a time is too much for my busy life.

At the botanic garden.