Toward new horizons

Yesterday was the main Carnival day with the big, silly parade... I made sure to stay far away from there but rather rode the other direction, heading to the woods. Skies were clear and blue, and although it's still rather barren it was so good to be back out there finally. I stopped for a while at this BBQ site and went on the swing. It was so peaceful there, so dreamlike in a way. One of those moments of consciously observing my consciousness, sensing that subtle shift in it... bike rides out in nature can be a sort of meditation I guess.

I was once again much occupied with the workings of my own mind.
I have also enrolled for two MOOC's on Coursera - not yet sure though if two at a time ain't turning out a bit overly ambitious! - one about chemistry and one about mathematical thinking, both of which started today. On the latter I also found a very interesting, related link, a blog by the instructor. I must admit that I enrolled for his course not so much for an interest in math but more for one in new, different ways of thinking.
I found it very interesting when in the blog he asked the question, "what is a context?"
Such a simple question apparently - and yet I'd feel hard pressed for an answer of if someone genuinely had no idea what the word means and I had to come up with a definition, let alone a concise one. I'd probably think up some examples to give, it would take me a long time and would be awkward. (I have a friend who sometimes assigns me with "exercises" of such sort since she's still learning English.) Or I could look up a dictionary definition. Which led me to think, if it's this difficult for me to give concise definitions of abstract words although I know perfectly well what they mean, then how did I first learn their meaning myself?
Most likely not in one go. And perhaps the awkward and long-winded explanation by example would be more helpful than a concise dictionary definition to a person who didn't know the meaning of the term.

Yes, the bike is mine.

Lately I learned that metacognition - the thinking about thinking - is very useful for lucid dreaming as well and that most frequent lucid dreamers practice it a lot. Of course this isn't the only reason I'm interested in it, I simply want to learn whatever I can about how my mind and consciousness works.

I was glad when the author stated in his blog, "[...] I will explain what persuaded me to try to prove that the pessimism I expressed in the above passage about someone becoming an X-er through a remote experience like a MOOC might be misplaced, at least in part."
Because in the passage above that he had talked about the social aspect of learning - "A large part of becoming an X-er is joining a community of other X-ers."
And if this aspect were really so crucial then I'd have to say, I've never been an athlete, a cyclist, or even a bodybuilder (although I look like one, don't I?), then I've never been a warrior, an artist, or even a Satanist!
Of course I consider myself all of the above, and perhaps more - but I've always done my thing alone, whatever it was. One more thing I can claim for sure to have always been: an autodidact. With no formal education whatsoever, I taught myself everything I know, either from books or online.

I was thinking along those lines also on my bike ride through the woods and charming rural landscapes. It was hard to get anywhere at all with no guidance, all alone with no map or manual to life. Somehow I always followed my instincts though which told me what was right - right for me, they certainly never were the sort of instincts in any way useful to the survival of the species I was born to, as instincts are usually thought to be in the biological context. ("Context," see, there is this word!)
Like women are said to have this "biological clock" telling them it's time to reproduce while they can - something so far beyond my imagination and comprehension! I'm nearly 30 years old and a virgin, and I'd rather die than have my body defiled. I'd rather die than give up my freedom! I'll never understand how people can actually be happy about starting a family - building their own jail for themselves.

My instincts have always been of a wholly different nature, and they rather told me that I was alien to the human race. They told me to distrust those who tried to make me part of what I would never want to be and never could be part of. I never had anyone else to trust but myself and that mysterious, invisible force guiding me whom I know as Satan.

How I know it's Satan, and not Jesus or Buddha or Odin? Because of my own nature, which is dark and rebellious, and because I know the nature of the forces I'm attracted to, even though I'm still in the process of bringing such knowledge up into consciousness.

And when I woke up this morning it suddenly hit me: in a way I'm still a kid! A kid in a 30-year-old body.
The difference between me and most adults is that I view my life much less as being rather than becoming.
It would be unthinkable to me to settle down and take up some "function" in society to henceforth fulfill and to think of that as "having arrived somewhere", not even if I were to be a general or a professor or a president, none of that could ever be of any meaning to me.
There is no goal that can be reached in this life but only through this life.
I'm here for myself, and the only meaning can be in transcendence.

Large raptors were circling near that radio tower.
Made me wonder if they roost up there?

No love songs here; no Carnival songs either!

So today is double loony day. A f'ing Carnival parade right in my street - I took a little detour on the way home from the gym as to make sure to stay clear of it - and also Valentine's, for all those willing to take the bait and fall into the trap called "love", which is just like heroin and ruins people's lives.
And regarding the Carnival, don't you think it's just me being such a ill-humored person - all the people I talked to at the gym said they can't stand it. Especially one of the trainers, poor guy lives in the old towncenter, right in the midst of the action. It's basically just annoying oompa-loompa music and drunk misbehavior. I'm glad where I live there ain't no pubs in the vicinity and it's basically just a parade for the kids, and now by late afternoon it's already over. But from downtown I'm staying far away these days!

I found this interesting link on Lifehacker today - well, I'm asexual and so I don't have a girlfriend (and I'm saying girlfriend because that would still be at least a lot easier to imagine than a person with a deformed extra limb), but if I did then certainly not one who listened to hip hop!!

Well, I tried that "Sweet Spot" tool anyway, entering Watain as a favorite band. When asked for my girlfriend's fave I entered Corvus Corax, and I got as end result "12 degrees of separation". That sounds quite a lot! Since, as I said, I don't have a girlfriend, who listens to Corvus Corax then?
Answer: I do! Which may serve to prove once again that I have a pretty broad ranging taste in music.
And since I like both bands I ended up with a pretty decent playlist suggestion, I know most of the bands in it and I like them.

I used to think that I don't like Jazz music, but then lately I discovered Dark Jazz, and pretty much by coincidence. I was listening to some Black Metal album on Youtube and hadn't seen that "autoplay" was on for some reason. I had my henna dye in my hair and it was time to wash it out, so I left for the bathroom to do so. In the meantime the music changed, and when I checked it it was this video playing:



It's very psychedelic and certainly far removed from Black Metal, so I got no clue why, but from there I ended up with more such stuff - eventually with The Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensemble.
Like, here:



So I'm certainly not one of those who only ever listen to one single genre and dislike everything else. But yes, it's nearly all somewhat dark for the most part - also including dark ambient, dark electronic, and Gothic - or at least somewhat exotic or mysterious in some ways. But there are some rather hard limits to the kinds of music I find acceptable, and while I'm perfectly fine with folk rock (as given in the example in the Lifehacker article), hip hop is clearly beyond those limits! As well as is most popular, mainstream music.
And since in my experience people's musical preferences are not entirely unrelated to their personalities I'd be very unlikely to end up with a hip hop listening girlfriend. Or in any case such a relationship would be doomed to be rather short-lived...
Thank Satan I'm not burdened with such problems! :)

I'm certainly glad this day is nearly over; Monday will be the main Carnival day with the big parade, but that's fortunately downtown and I'm simply staying away from there, I won't even be at the gym on Monday since that's pretty close to downtown, instead I'll go on a little bike ride into the woods, I guess that's a place all Satanists like to be.
Last but not least I still found this little jewel today, which still makes it a perfectly fine day:

Genuinely Satanic, and very virtuously executed; still absolutely the best!

Voluntary Euthanasia Treadmill

On to business as usual and the more positive things. - Oh right, except that the dreaded Carnival is upon us,and believe me, Carnival in the Rhineland is really awful. I'll try to quickly get to the gym tomorrow and later quickly back home, and avoid downtown areas between tomorrow and nest Tuesday.
On Saturday I'll have a f'ing parade going in my street,and on Monday is the main, downtown parade. The latter won't bother me though as I'm simply staying away from downtown. Since the weather is forecast to be nice I'll be up in the hills I guess, checking if I can already spot any coltsfoot flowers in the woods.

I've been making some slow progress on my running. I'm by no means a specialized runner but more of an athletic generalist, but still it bothers me to be so miserably slow. Learning for the first time about the 4-minute mile sometime last year frustrated me immensely, of course I started calculating right away since they use kilometers here in Germany and therefore the treadmills also give kilometers per hour (kph), and I found that I'm still far away from even a 5-minute mile,which would require me to run at 20 kph which I can do only for 2 minutes instead of 5. A 4-minute mile would require running at 25 kph, which is the top speed of our treadmills, and which I can do for only 20 seconds so far.

These days I'm working on 22 kph for a full minute; I'm almost there but not quite yet. Last week I managed 47 seconds, then a few days ago 56 seconds, and the other day 58 - missed the mark by only 2 seconds!

I had the idea of inventing a voluntary "euthanasia treadmill", a concept somewhat similar to the euthanasia roller coaster but with a fair chance of survival. The major difference in concept is that you would only use the coaster when you have already definitely decided that you want to end your life.
My device would consist of a regular treadmill with some huge industrial fan behind it whose sharpened blades would act like a shredder. You can set your speed and time on the treadmill and then enter. If you can hold that speed for the time assigned then you've won back your life - you've proven able to perform well enough to carry on!
It should be possible to make a commitment to use that treadmill at regular intervals, say, twice a year. Personally I'd also make the commitment that I'd be allowed to increase the speed and/or time, but I wouldn't be permitted to decrease it ever. That way I'd always be allowed to get better and outdo myself, but never to fall behind.
I'd really appreciate such a machine, and I'd want to make such a commitment. It would afford me some sense of security... if I'm no longer good enough then I'll be gone. To a warrior like me it's better to die than to fall behind. But well, I'll have to find different ways to prove myself worthy.
For now, things are going well. Today, another girl at the gym said that "we all aren't getting any younger." I was like, wait, what? I'm still the same teenager I've always been! - Then again, not... When I actually was a teenager I was fat and crippled. I weighed about the same as I do now, but without muscles. And 75 kg (~165 lbs) is usually very heavy for a girl. I would have been perfectly incapable back then of all the things I can easily do now.So in a way, I've never before been as young as I am right now!!

Certain friends have requested new photos, so I've taken a few with my webcam today - also showing my Cobra tattoo which is also looking good now. By using a lot of green as I requested, my tattoo artist was able to fix the unfavorable colors last time. I know a lot about color and therefore knew that reds and pinks must be offset with green as to give some neutral browns, and this worked out nicely.

I was also able to benefit from some great sale of protein supplements at my gym lately. I don't usually buy their brand as it's too expensive, instead I buy the cheapest in town which is from a local drugstore, but this time I got lucky, and they're all sold out by now.

Advertizement. :)

The Losses Suffered

Feeling nuked much? I realize this is gonna be only the 2nd entry for this year. I've had a difficult time for a number of reasons. At least I found a much better dentist now.
Unlike the one whose butchery I suffered in early January - who started out by giving me an anesthesia shot on the wrong side and who, after I stopped her and we talked out once more exactly *which* wisdom tooth was to be extracted, proceeded to break out part of my jawbone with it. I noticed it only at home that evening when unwrapping the tooth from the tissue in which I had taken it home.

A week later - a week during which my athletic performance suffered a great deal from this ordeal - I come back for the appointment to have the stitches removed and asked the dentist what's with the bone fragment. She started out that with advanced age the wisdom teeth can get caked together with the bone... I was like, hello, but I'm a young girl?!!
Then she claimed to have misread my birth date, making me more than a decade older than my actual age! Of course I got outraged about it, and only later I realized that this had been her plan, so as to shirk having to explain her poor job breaking out the bone fragment.

-

The other, very sad chapter then followed in late January when I went to a court hearing. The matter at hand was the eviction of my favorite neighbor. I hoped as much as he did that it could be avoided, but sadly the rumors appear to be true that courts usually judge in favor of those with lots of money, who more often than not turn out to be the scum of the Earth. The only thing negotiable was time, so at least he still got until September. Still I'm very sad about it; it's not that we'd seen each other very often but still his presence around the house will be greatly missed. He planted things and built weird gadgets, occasionally he plays guitar - really nicely - and last summer he kept bees on his balcony. He got a funny little tractor that's very noisy and stinks when he starts it up, but I always found it charming anyway. He's always been easygoing and friendly. And the only reason he's being kicked out now is for rudely sending away some gardeners the landlady had ordered without precious announcement, because he didn't want them to start cutting plants down around the house some of which he had grown over years.
I really tried to like our landlady, all the time up to this court hearing, I really did. But now I hope she'll get hit by a bus, she deserves it. No, that would be too quick, she deserves worse. She deserves to lose everything and to be left without friends or help or shelter. It drives me mad that I can't see how to make this happen!
I always try to avoid confrontations with the illegitimate "authorities", who give out laws that I've never given my agreement to be bound by. "Authorities" that I would never recognize but only grudgingly tolerate because I cannot wipe them out as they ought to be. They are unworthy of any power as it is merely founded on collusion and they have done nothing to achieve it, nor to earn their imaginary wealth.
The only true and legitimate authority I recognize is my Lord Satan, and His only law is Lawlessness.
The only earthly authority I recognize is myself.

-
I'm planning to write here more often again, it's just that I do have a strong tendency toward quiet withdrawal when things turn negative, owing to a pronounced susceptibility for depressed and gloomy moods, especially during the cold season which my body cannot tolerate well. Hopefully spring is around the corner as even some of the German natives are starting to wish for by now.