The Howling Demons Sang To Him With Fiendish Songs Of Grief

I'm certainly glad the hated xmas days are over once more, despite my gym fortunately being open 24/7/365 so that I could simply keep doing business as usual. Still those days invariably have a depressed mood, and I think that's not just me, I've heard the same from others who are not bound in a conventional family lifestyle - as well as statistics saying that suicide rates are higher on xmas than at any other time of the year.

So besides the obligatory workouts I kept myself busy with my usual interests. I still haven't found any useful literature from the Darkside perspective; instead I only found another few, more general ones dealing with a consciousness-centered concept of reality and debunking materialistic reductionism which I have started putting on my Amazon wish list.

Of course it has come to me that I may have to work out my very own path all by myself, and I guess that's even what a Satanist is supposed to do. Yesterday I complained to a friend how the "Satanic" literature I've so far come across seems to be written either by people who are only out to make money with it and who don't really believe in Satan (E.A. Koetting, Michael W. Ford, and of course most notoriously A.S. LaVey & Co.) or by such who are totally on the loony train, writing about vampirism and other nonsense. I don't even care for fiction about vampires due to its silliness. (It usually has sexual connotations - sexuality in general being something grotesquely incomprehensible to me, in a bad way, not in one that would wake my curiosity.)

But talking about fiction, I found today this wonderful documentary about my favorite author, H.P. Lovecraft. Having been familiar with his world since my early teens it has always somehow been part of mine as well and thereby a source of comfort when I needed one, along with other dark or Satanic art.
I feel I have something in common with Lovecraft - certainly not his xenophobia nor am I in any way conservative, quite in the contrary, as I actually am a being somehow alien to humankind as a whole, a rebel not by choice but by nature since I've always felt that the common categories of nationality, gender, and even race or species don't apply to me, so I think in these aspects I'm quite the opposite of him. But the common ground is a certain dark and very introvert temperament, the preference for written correspondence over socializing in crowded places, and generally a predilection for meaningful conversation, for pondering cosmic vastness and mystery. The soundtrack of life in minor scale - although I can make jokes, and enjoy them too, and even be quite silly at times, I'm still mostly a serious person, and I guess sometimes even with some sense of nostalgia.
- "If it's not broken, don't fix it." - Is this really the only reason why I got myself from a flea market the very same type of telephone my grandparents had when I was a kid? Probably not, because this is the only type of phone I've ever had in my life, the only type I want, and I specifically searched the flea markets for one like this.

Number isn't mine but the previous owner's. :)

Now here is the documentary:

 What puzzled me was when that Goth lady in the documentary said that deep time is something you don't usually consider in daily life. Myself I've always been thinking in magnitudes of millions or billions of years. Like Lovecraft I'm for the most part self-taught (nearly entirely, actually) and I learned early in childhood about the ages of the Earth and the solar system and thereby thought of human life as a pretty ephemeral nuisance I had to rather unwillingly go through. Fortunately I've since found ways to actively take charge of it rather than simply enduring it... :)

A thing that somehow pained me still, just like back in teenage when I was so eager to find the real Necronomicon and to open its gateways to the unspeakable beyond, is when they said it's just a fantasy.
But then again, as oftentimes before, I felt compelled to ask myself again, what really is a fantasy? Where does it come from? And lastly, what can you do with it?
As to where it comes from, the most likely answer seems to be, from the same source where everything comes from: Consciousness! And if it comes from the same source as everything then the answer to what you can do with it is actually: Everything! Which is to some good extent illustrated in the above video.
What Lovecraft gave to this world has created lasting changes. Far beyond yielding enough material for people to talk about in a nearly 90-minute documentary, it produced vast amounts of literary and other work by other artists, building on it - besides even some dead-serious cults, as mentioned. Art is not meaningless, it is even very important! Art is the process of manifesting something from the realm of ideas which hadn't existed in this physical world before. Prose, poetry, as well as visual and musical art - they mean so much to me! Even if it's mostly only these darker kinds of it that speak to me.

So the solution to my quest of late may be in just adapting what I've learned from the white-light folks about non-physical realms beyond to my own different, dark nature. If there are those said thought-responsive regions of the non-physical universe beyond then they can yield not only icky love-and-light-stuff but, thank Cthulhu, cyclopean monsters and unspeakable horrors as well!

So I'm closing with this beautiful and very suitable song which also would never have come into existence without H.P. Lovecraft. I took the title of this entry from it.

Fear vs. Danger; Fear vs. Love

I spent the Solstice, Sunday, riding my bike to Cologne to meet up with some friends, especially one of my best friends who, although not a Satanist, is on a very similar quest for the meaning and true nature of existence as I am. It was a beautiful afternoon, even if the shortest one of the year. I started out on the trip still feeling depressed but returned feeling already much better.

And now... those stupid holidays are upon us and hopefully quickly over, and I'm trying to ignore them, doing business as usual, reading, listening to awesome music such as this

and this

...and updating my blog.

Here are a few things I still meant to get into.
I left off with the request of recommendations or information about books, or other publications, discussing dreams, out-of-body experience, the afterlife, or consciousness in general from the Satanic point of view, but so far no one has been able to give me any. I'm left wondering if really nothing of this nature exists yet... even while having to remind myself how back in my childhood and early teenage I had deemed myself to be the only Satanist in the whole world - a world I admittedly had seen very little of, and I hadn't ever met any Satanists in it and was made believe by those simpletons in excuse for a family that anything of such nature, along with vampires, witchcraft and other things spied in movies belonged in a realm of fantasy and didn't exist. It was a truly bleak, small, hopeless, joyless world in which I grew up... but enough of that.

Even in later years, anything Satanic was exceedingly hard to come by. But much *anything* was very hard to come by in the days before the internet, and before my access to it. Such as shark plushies, for instance.

Bela Jaws

But back to Satanists and their relations to consciousness, afterlife, etc. - do they really feel no need to discuss or research these things in depth? I find this hard to believe, but all I usually find is lots of meaningless metaphors and mythology, and all too often inane and unsavory superstitions about bodily (sexual) functions. When it comes to authorship of any more comprehensive publications either in print or online it's mostly just the above.
And so I'm wondering, is it really only the god-people who ever discuss these things? And I'm deliberately saying god-people and not Christians, not in order to make fun of them but because they may not all be Christians at all. William Buhlman expressly states that OBE and the non-physical "heavens" are not a matter of one's personal choice for or against any religion. But since he then proceeds to get into all that unconditional love stuff, it obviously is only for the white-light people, or whatever you would want to call them collectively. They still are those who bow down to divinity, whether or not they ever go to any church, synagogue, or mosque to do so. They are the ones subservient to goodness, lawfulness, and meekness. Theirs is a path very different from mine.

Maybe I'm once again caught between all fronts, but that would neither be news nor an all too unique position. Others are caught up elsewhere.
Someone I enjoyed only a brief friendship with before he left Facebook in a fit of anger (about Facebook itself, I had nothing to do with it) even stated how he rejected the label of "Satanist" for himself and preferred either Luciferian or "Diabolist" instead, for the reason that the term Satanist has been so much abused for things that it is not and thus has become associated with things we would never want to be associated with. While this is true I disagree about abandoning the term of Satanism for such reasons - the name of Satan Himself is in it and it therefore cannot ever be abandoned, even if others who do not worship Him have unrightfully claimed it, stolen it, soiled it - those have never been Satanists; the only Satanists are us who do worship Him.

Another thing I somewhat disagreed on is the disdain my friend held for what he called "reverse Christianity". I personally never took much offense in this term since I've only known it as what real (theistic) Satanists are usually called by LaVeyans, and thus not overly negative but merely something to be expected. But what he was referring to is acts of blasphemy which he apparently deemed most unnecessary as he didn't acknowledge the Christian god at all. Myself I do see valid reasons for expressing one's utter hatred and rejection of god - more vehemently even when confronted with the "unconditional love" stuff mentioned above. It's not that such terms just arouse a strong response of revulsion in me that I feel urged to voice but I rather feel the need to explicitly state my adamant refusal to ever embark on that path - or should I say, to ever be assimilated by it. Because that's what it seeks to do.
It's not that I mean to insult the Christians in their faith, or any other religious people - they are only human beings and thereby unimportant; my quarrel is not with them but with their god, the entity that seeks to assimilate all in its delusion of "unconditional love" like getting a junkie hooked on heroine.

Those love-people also claim that fear is not real. Elsewhere I've heard it said that "fear is not real, but danger is." While the latter expression is somewhat more reasonable in at least acknowledging danger it is still incorrect - fear and danger are not the same thing, but both are real.
But let's for a moment go there, assuming fear is not real - what is fear at all? It is a very primary emotion arising from a creature's instinct of survival and self-preservation.
My favorite fiction author, H.P. Lovecraft, called it the oldest and strongest human emotion in which he is certainly right, except that it's not even a uniquely human one; it's shared by other animals as well. It's their self-preservation sounding the alarm; thus being of much more fundamental importance to survival this emotion of fear is certainly both older and stronger than that of love. And that's my point: If they claim that fear is not real, then how on Earth can they believe that love is??!!!

So you can either believe that fear and love are both real or both illusory. Both are equal in being animal emotions. My position is acknowledgement of their existence as well as of the need to control them. Both can work either for or against you, but if you lose yourself in love you're equally lost as in fear - or probably much worse since fear causes you suffering and thereby the desire to free yourself from it.

It's somehow like the belief in Satan and God: If you believe in the existence of one then you ought to believe in the existence of the other, or alternatively you may believe in neither of them, but either both or neither, else you'll make very little sense.

I found another interesting website and some more potentially interesting books, but as usual nothing related to the Dark Side.

Depression, insomnia, and messed-up tattoos

I've been having a difficult time lately and I don't entirely understand the reasons why. I feel depressed a lot, especially at night, and then I often either can't fall asleep or even more often I can initially but will wake up again some time after midnight and be unable to fall asleep again. I've been trying St. John's wort, Valerian, Passiflora tea, or all of these, but to no avail. I sure wouldn't try anything "harder" ever, such as sleeping pills, because such crap is poison and would be certain to mess up my dreaming.

Yes, the problem with the new tattoo... actually I don't feel quite ready to post the pictures since it's still not perfectly the way it ought to be, with the hideous, old colors still showing through in places. Sure, I'm a perfectionist in certain things, especially concerning my body - I have to be, otherwise I could never have become as strong as I am - and anyway, I announced I was going to post the pics and so here they are. But let's start at the beginning, with the thing that was to be covered up, the crude "tattoo" I made myself with a sewing needle and candle soot at age 13.

So, what was this actually? The answer is, actually it had a meaning I still stand by even if the tattoo itself was freaking ugly. It was initially just a letter W inside a heart, and it was to express the love to my Master. I had only seen his character in the movie and didn't know his name, which is not given in the movie (and to make this clear once more, we're talking about the character for sure, NOT the actor), and so I only put the W for "Warlock".
A while after, I realized that a heart is a very silly symbol that doesn't belong on a Satanist, and so I subsequently tried to "Satanize" the whole thing by adding bat/demon wings, horns, and the inverted cross.
It had been there for half of my life by now and maybe the cover-up was a too hasty decision, just because the old tattoo looked uglier than before in contrast to the beautiful shark on my other arm.

The old tattoo still looked a lot better than the cover-up initially did - at least the old one sure hadn't had any pink hues in it, and the next photo doesn't nearly show the extent of the disaster!

Look at the right coil, that's pink. Around the nose and face of the snake, that's pink. Underneath the head, that's hot pink! It was beyond abomination with these hideous colors, absolutely devastating.

The next photo shows what it looks like now after the colors have been fixed - fortunately very much better already. But no, I'm not happy with it.

 

The first problem is that the nasty colors are still showing through in some places. It's difficult to see in the photos but below I inserted some arrows to point out the most conspicuous spots.

And the second problem is actually with my other tattoo - it's that my beloved shark now looks quite pale compared to the cobra! That's never been the intention. This shark was actually the only tattoo I meant to get, this is my inner shark and ought to have absolute supremacy. It will require some darkening and heightened contrast now.

But wasn't the cobra supposed to represent Satan, you may say, and therefore even more supreme?
Yes, supposed it was, but now it doesn't. How could something flawed possibly represent something perfect?!
It's simply a cobra now. I love snakes, but I'm not yet sure if I can still grow to love this one.

But all this may be fuel to my depressed insomnia but certainly not its sole cause. All of it may have its root in some sort of spiritual crisis, some of which I already explained in an earlier entry in which I asked for advice, but none has been received. Only two of my friends responded at all but could not help.
The problem is that I've lately learned a number of things I ought to know, but I learned about their path from those who serve the enemy; I learned about the path I have rightfully refused to ever go because I couldn't possibly ever belong there and it's unthinkable. It's good to know about it anyway even if sickening. Stuff like, "You need to let go of all hate, anger, and resentment..." - Hell no, I sure won't, they're mine and I'm gonna keep them, but thanks for contributing to them, asshole.

I need a source to learn more about my own path beyond this physical, waking world, from someone who wouldn't talk any such crap as the above. Someone on the other side to that, on my side. This is what I need to find now. I need to resolve whatever is blocking my dreams and my sleep.

Bunk Bed Ahoi!

Today is a little anniversary as it's been exactly one year ago that my bed was delivered to me in the early afternoon, in the shape of two flat, narrow, but nearly 7 foot long cardboard boxes containing an assortment of timbers and some bags of screws and nuts, and I would spend the rest of the day assembling the whole thing and got finished just in time to use it right away - after letting my sharks settle in too, of course.
No, it's not really a bunk bed as it has only one level but I like the fact that it does have this little ladder like one. I still love this thing and I'm hoping for a lot more interesting nocturnal journeys in it.

 

I just checked, it's still available here, it's named KURA, and yes, it's actually for kids but it's adult sized.  :)

 

And quite befittingly for this occasion, today I also received some fascinating new reading material I had ordered, to perhaps help along with those nocturnal journeys.

Also, to those who may be wondering about my tattoo mishap related here last time and who may have noticed that this current post is on a much brighter note - my tattoo artist has been so kind to already fix it; he's actually awesome and meant no harm in that first choice of colors.
(I could imagine that a more common kind of girl - not a warrior like me - might actually have liked them. Or she might rather have chosen some flower design over a fierce cobra in the first place...)
So now it's healing for the second time and will hopefully come out fine this time. I'm going to post more about it in the next entry here, along with photos.

The Serpent and the Rainbow (Tattoo Disaster)

I had a really difficult weekend because I had actually wanted the Serpent only, and not the rainbow.
I'm talking about my new tattoo which is causing me a lot of distress now. It was thought to be the cobra drawing I made which I posted here two entries back. The night it was done it first seemed to look great.
But a few days on when the scabs started to come off I began to get worried because it looked more and more wrong. Then on Friday after leg workout I took a shower at the gym and the very last of the scabs were gone afterward.
As I applied some cream to it in front of the mirror in the locker room, an older lady asked me if it was new. I told her calm, yes, but that I wasn't quite satisfied with it as I disliked the colors - which was the understatement of the century.



It's a total disaster. It was supposed to be a mostly black King Cobra, with only the eyes green and the inside of the mouth in red. Instead, it has red and pink (yuck, pink!!) and all sorts of colors all over, and instead of being proud I'm ashamed of it now and grateful that it's f'ing freezing winter right now because it makes it easier to hide it most of the time.
On Saturday I talked about it to a friend on the phone who sympathized and said she could imagine so well how I was feeling - quite like as if she had gotten a completely messed-up haircut... hello? I know she loves her hair more than anything, so much she can spend hours talking about it, but still - even if you get your head completely shaven it will eventually grow back, all by itself!

Not so with a tattoo. I wished so much I could simply return it, the way you return an item of clothing bought in error, and ask the money back. Or even if you don't get your money back you could still give it away, throw it into the trash can, or burn it - you could make it disappear from view and from existence.

I then had a nightmare about being covered in horrible tattoos, the shark tattoo on my right arm was tiny and underneath it were three large flowers, one yellow, one blue, one red, and my left arm was covered from wrist to shoulder in the same kinds of flowers - flowers on a warrior, and gaily colored ones!
I've had much trouble sleeping since as I'm just too upset; last night I was able to fall asleep ok but when I woke at about 3:30 AM I could no longer.

I talked to my tattoo artist yesterday and he promised that he will fix it and said I shouldn't worry about it. I hope he'll be able to but I do still worry - also that it might be too late.
Because I later realized that from that moment in the locker room I had started to absolutely hate it. The reason I can't sleep is because I can't get it off my mind when I try, and can't stop the thoughts of wanting to cut it out or to burn it, just anything to get it off my body as I can't go through life with this. It was supposed to be a representation of Satan, and instead it turned into a gaily colored carnival snake!
I already hate it so immensely - can this still be reversed even if the horrible colors can?
For sure, the one thing most easily insured on a warrior is her towering pride, but of course that was known all along. For now I covered the tattoo in some century-old make-up I still found in order to feel a bit better about it in the locker room since I have to leave for the gym now. I just had to get this off my chest somehow as I so far hadn't talked to anyone about it, except to my friend on the phone as mentioned above.
May Father Satan open the way to let this end well somehow.
Praised be Lord Satan, now and in eternity.