Depression, insomnia, and messed-up tattoos

I've been having a difficult time lately and I don't entirely understand the reasons why. I feel depressed a lot, especially at night, and then I often either can't fall asleep or even more often I can initially but will wake up again some time after midnight and be unable to fall asleep again. I've been trying St. John's wort, Valerian, Passiflora tea, or all of these, but to no avail. I sure wouldn't try anything "harder" ever, such as sleeping pills, because such crap is poison and would be certain to mess up my dreaming.

Yes, the problem with the new tattoo... actually I don't feel quite ready to post the pictures since it's still not perfectly the way it ought to be, with the hideous, old colors still showing through in places. Sure, I'm a perfectionist in certain things, especially concerning my body - I have to be, otherwise I could never have become as strong as I am - and anyway, I announced I was going to post the pics and so here they are. But let's start at the beginning, with the thing that was to be covered up, the crude "tattoo" I made myself with a sewing needle and candle soot at age 13.

So, what was this actually? The answer is, actually it had a meaning I still stand by even if the tattoo itself was freaking ugly. It was initially just a letter W inside a heart, and it was to express the love to my Master. I had only seen his character in the movie and didn't know his name, which is not given in the movie (and to make this clear once more, we're talking about the character for sure, NOT the actor), and so I only put the W for "Warlock".
A while after, I realized that a heart is a very silly symbol that doesn't belong on a Satanist, and so I subsequently tried to "Satanize" the whole thing by adding bat/demon wings, horns, and the inverted cross.
It had been there for half of my life by now and maybe the cover-up was a too hasty decision, just because the old tattoo looked uglier than before in contrast to the beautiful shark on my other arm.

The old tattoo still looked a lot better than the cover-up initially did - at least the old one sure hadn't had any pink hues in it, and the next photo doesn't nearly show the extent of the disaster!

Look at the right coil, that's pink. Around the nose and face of the snake, that's pink. Underneath the head, that's hot pink! It was beyond abomination with these hideous colors, absolutely devastating.

The next photo shows what it looks like now after the colors have been fixed - fortunately very much better already. But no, I'm not happy with it.

 

The first problem is that the nasty colors are still showing through in some places. It's difficult to see in the photos but below I inserted some arrows to point out the most conspicuous spots.

And the second problem is actually with my other tattoo - it's that my beloved shark now looks quite pale compared to the cobra! That's never been the intention. This shark was actually the only tattoo I meant to get, this is my inner shark and ought to have absolute supremacy. It will require some darkening and heightened contrast now.

But wasn't the cobra supposed to represent Satan, you may say, and therefore even more supreme?
Yes, supposed it was, but now it doesn't. How could something flawed possibly represent something perfect?!
It's simply a cobra now. I love snakes, but I'm not yet sure if I can still grow to love this one.

But all this may be fuel to my depressed insomnia but certainly not its sole cause. All of it may have its root in some sort of spiritual crisis, some of which I already explained in an earlier entry in which I asked for advice, but none has been received. Only two of my friends responded at all but could not help.
The problem is that I've lately learned a number of things I ought to know, but I learned about their path from those who serve the enemy; I learned about the path I have rightfully refused to ever go because I couldn't possibly ever belong there and it's unthinkable. It's good to know about it anyway even if sickening. Stuff like, "You need to let go of all hate, anger, and resentment..." - Hell no, I sure won't, they're mine and I'm gonna keep them, but thanks for contributing to them, asshole.

I need a source to learn more about my own path beyond this physical, waking world, from someone who wouldn't talk any such crap as the above. Someone on the other side to that, on my side. This is what I need to find now. I need to resolve whatever is blocking my dreams and my sleep.