I had a really difficult weekend because I had actually wanted the Serpent only, and not the rainbow.
I'm talking about my new tattoo which is causing me a lot of distress now. It was thought to be the cobra drawing I made which I posted here two entries back. The night it was done it first seemed to look great.
But a few days on when the scabs started to come off I began to get worried because it looked more and more wrong. Then on Friday after leg workout I took a shower at the gym and the very last of the scabs were gone afterward.
As I applied some cream to it in front of the mirror in the locker room, an older lady asked me if it was new. I told her calm, yes, but that I wasn't quite satisfied with it as I disliked the colors - which was the understatement of the century.
It's a total disaster. It was supposed to be a mostly black King Cobra, with only the eyes green and the inside of the mouth in red. Instead, it has red and pink (yuck, pink!!) and all sorts of colors all over, and instead of being proud I'm ashamed of it now and grateful that it's f'ing freezing winter right now because it makes it easier to hide it most of the time.
On Saturday I talked about it to a friend on the phone who sympathized and said she could imagine so well how I was feeling - quite like as if she had gotten a completely messed-up haircut... hello? I know she loves her hair more than anything, so much she can spend hours talking about it, but still - even if you get your head completely shaven it will eventually grow back, all by itself!
Not so with a tattoo. I wished so much I could simply return it, the way you return an item of clothing bought in error, and ask the money back. Or even if you don't get your money back you could still give it away, throw it into the trash can, or burn it - you could make it disappear from view and from existence.
I then had a nightmare about being covered in horrible tattoos, the shark tattoo on my right arm was tiny and underneath it were three large flowers, one yellow, one blue, one red, and my left arm was covered from wrist to shoulder in the same kinds of flowers - flowers on a warrior, and gaily colored ones!
I've had much trouble sleeping since as I'm just too upset; last night I was able to fall asleep ok but when I woke at about 3:30 AM I could no longer.
I talked to my tattoo artist yesterday and he promised that he will fix it and said I shouldn't worry about it. I hope he'll be able to but I do still worry - also that it might be too late.
Because I later realized that from that moment in the locker room I had started to absolutely hate it. The reason I can't sleep is because I can't get it off my mind when I try, and can't stop the thoughts of wanting to cut it out or to burn it, just anything to get it off my body as I can't go through life with this. It was supposed to be a representation of Satan, and instead it turned into a gaily colored carnival snake!
I already hate it so immensely - can this still be reversed even if the horrible colors can?
For sure, the one thing most easily insured on a warrior is her towering pride, but of course that was known all along. For now I covered the tattoo in some century-old make-up I still found in order to feel a bit better about it in the locker room since I have to leave for the gym now. I just had to get this off my chest somehow as I so far hadn't talked to anyone about it, except to my friend on the phone as mentioned above.
May Father Satan open the way to let this end well somehow.
Praised be Lord Satan, now and in eternity.
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