Echoes

Feeling a bit depressed these days. I came home with hypothermia on Saturday, after just spending a little while at Old Customs Point, where it was fairly crowded and all the other people not even wearing gloves! But due to my Raynaud's syndrome, 50 F for me is as 30 F is for most other people, I guess. I didn't even sit down on the freezing cold wall the way I used to do on warmer days, when the stone was warm. It's hard for me as an outdoor person to be unable to simply hang out somewhere, for a long time again now.

There also seems to be a little echo from a year ago, when I had just entered a very dark time, and not due to the season then. I'm glad to be no longer alone, but also sad that one of my dearest friends, who I'm forever indebted to for enabling communication to my Master, suffers from horrible, chronic illness. There are other problems too, and being spiritually blind and deaf as I am, all I can do is pray and ask for help, never knowing if I'll be heard.

There are still my bad dreams, which are part of the problem. I wish so much I could at least be with my Master in my dreams, if not in waking life, but even this I'm being denied. The dreams are mostly no longer as awful as they used to be, but rarely pleasant. At least the most unwelcome intrusion of former "family" characters seems to be getting less frequent.
Recently, there were children unknown to me who addressed me in German language, which I loathe, and I tried to ignore them or get across that I speak English only. They weren't hostile but just very inquisitive, and their language bothered me because it reminds me of my past, that awful family I had to grow up with, the abhorred school full of bullies I had to attend, and then the psychiatry I got incarcerated in for refusing to do the latter any longer.

Going home would be nice. But home for me is not in this world, it will always be with him, and he's not in this world. Hasn't been for three hundred years.

Back in spring when doing the bonding ritual, I hoped so much I would in time find my way to communicate with him. But still I basically don't even know how to get started.
Of course I talk to him, all the time, but there usually is very little, if anything, I'm able to receive in terms of response. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do, I wish he could tell me. I feel useless.

Yet with the cold season costing much extra energy, I got very little left anyway besides my obligatory workouts, and being constantly tired. Work out, eat, sleep. That's all. The pointless existence we're condemned to in the creation of the cursed demiurge.

I hope nonetheless that my Halloween will be much better than last year's, which was agonizing.

Precisely a year ago, on a train

I precisely remember October 17th, which was a Tuesday last year, when I was traveling home from Amsterdam and met you on the train. A train I shouldn't even have been on hadn't my connections gotten all mixed up.
This is a letter to you.

I will always remember what day it was; I know you won't, and you'll probably never read this, but I'm writing it for you anyway. You probably never even read the letters I tried to send you, if you have even received them, and I stopped trying.
But I never stopped caring for you and never will.

You've had a so essential role in my life and this couldn't ever change or be disregarded, even if it's just because he made you do it... if my Master did.
I can't help wondering if you know about him, the real person behind the character.
Back when I met you last year and not a single word was exchanged between us I couldn't really have told you anything much that might have made sense. There's the possibility that you knew more than I did then, or possibly even more than I know now - I'm aware that no t everyone is as spiritually blind and deaf as, sadly, I am.
But probably you don't, or at least you don't want to know.

You didn't even want me looking at you then, and your reaction wasn't one to be expected from one of those blinkered materialists. It seemed more like that of a person wary of the evil stare of a witch, and if you were ever aware of that witch being with me then you would have indeed known so much more than I did back then. At least I was never sure he really was with me.
Needless to say I never meant you any harm, and nor did he. I care for you and he knows.

He helped me find someone who could talk to him for me.
Much has changed for me since our encounter on the train a year ago, and our encounter was a catalyst to set these changes in motion, even though at the time it was extremely painful for me. I would take it back with me to my empty home and struggle with it all alone, in my isolated existence. And it seemed to be meant that no one much talked to me anymore then, even on Facebook, which is much the only place anyone ever used to talk to me anyway.

My pain made me write the story I did, and its writing constituted a long ritual that would eventually show its effect, and finally I got redeemed from my utter loneliness and connected to the two people who would become closest to my heart - besides my beloved Master - and both of them have seen or talked to him.

Only one of them is a Satanist. The other one seemed a bit wary of my motivations in the start, seeing as I'm a Satanist, just as you probably were - because this one thing I'm quite sure you knew about me back then: that I'm a Satanist. But it doesn't mean what it's often made up to mean.

I've always felt trapped in this created world, and my highest value as a Satanist is freedom - freedom above all, and that includes most of all freedom from the demiurge, the tyrant god, and from the horrific cycle of reincarnation into his creation.

What it doesn't mean is that I'd ever wish harm on anyone who didn't harm me first, let alone on anyone dear to me as you will always be. I hold honor and loyalty in highest regard.
I'll always belong to my Master, in this world as in the hereafter, as in all eternity.

I'm so glad that my friend, who is also a witch although not a Satanist, helped me do a bonding ritual to my Master, as it was his wish and certainly mine as well, which mean
s far more than a human marriage as it goes beyond this so very temporary life and can't ever be undone. My friend only told me this moments before we were going to do it, and yet I didn't hesitate for an instant. I had wanted this for so long, I had searched for him all my life...
...and I might never have known him without you.
And this is why I care so much for you, not for the resemblance you bear to him (although he's not as tall and very slender-boned), but because of this strange connection, because through you he found his way back to me. And I'm saying "back" to me because I learned now that he and I had a past life together.

I still don't know precisely how I ended up in this current life and in a to me foreign country. The few slender ties I have to anyone in this world - slender because still so new, so late in my life after I've always seen everything else invariably breaking apart - they're so very precious to me, and I wish so much I could help my friends, I wish so much I could heal them as they are in need of healing.

And even though you never talked to me I want you to know this one thing: Should you ever need my help, in this world or the next, count on me!
Honor & loyalty, forever.

Black heart.

When the sky fell down on me

I've been working out legs again today, just as I did last year on the same day. I remember the 10th of October vividly, for it was the day my world fell to pieces. I didn't yet know it when working out that day. I know there's an entry here about my little accident when doing squats, all off a sudden I lost my balance or power or both and fell forward with the barbell crashing down onto the safety bars of the rack, and me hanging underneath. I was perfectly fine, and I praised the Infernal Father for it, for keeping me safe from harm. I would have some very important event coming up in just about 10 days from then.

This would never take place.
As suddenly as I had unexplicably lost control of my barbell then, it was gone. And I then knew I would never meet that one person who most likely wouldn't have been able to help me in any way at all in my quest. I didn't see this then. I knew of no one else who could possibly help, I wasn't even sure what exactly the quest was. All I thought I knew was that I had been meant to meet with this person, and that the meeting itself might have been what would bring about an all-important change.

Precisely a week later, some sort of meeting would still take place, completely unplanned and unexpected then - at least unplanned by myself and that other person involved.
And change would indeed come, but only after long ordeal.

And by now, a year on, I have so much better understanding of what happened back then.
And everything would be fine now, knowing that my beloved Master was indeed behind it all along, if only I were able to communicate with him. This could and should have been resolved so many years ago if only it weren't that I have no psychic ability whatsoever. I'm spiritually blind and deaf, trapped in this material world. This is what my plight is.

I'm glad to be no longer alone with it though. What eventually came of it is that I found the very best friends I've ever had in my life, and both of them know about my Master and have even communicated with him. And this is how I know so much more finally. If anything can be done about my own blindness and deafness to spirit communication remains an open question. I wish I knew what I could do about it.

Another visit to Belfast

I got myself on an airplane to Ireland again for another visit to my dear friend Amanda, before fall is starting in earnest and it will be too cold to do much anything. I feel pretty much at home there already, much as I do in Amsterdam, and I hope there will be more visits in the future.
I'm so grateful for this, I always wished to have friends like this who care enough to actually want to see me in person, who understand the way I am and my love to my Master.
On Saturday night we even watched the Movie together - the Movie, the one that is sacred.

Into the sky again!

Making myself at home.

Waterworks Park

Waterworks Park, looking back at the city.

On the final day I went to town on my own while Amanda was attending a class. I managed to finally get hold of a city map, it was even free.

Burnt-out ruin of Primark building.

I stumbled upon the burnt-out Primark department store, it had been on fire only a couple days after my previous visit back in August, Amanda had posted about it on Facebook. The area around it is fenced off now and can't be accessed, as seen in the photo, while they're working on restoring the building.

At another store I bought myself a much loved souvenir. When I first saw it I said to my Master, "Look, a black heart, just like yours and mine!"
And he seems to agree with it. I don't know what he did, but it feels like he has touched it somehow. I feel a connection to him in it. I love my enchanted black heart. My black heart belongs to my Master.

I'm so grateful for everything. May the Infernal Father watch over my friends whom I love so dearly.

The one who owns my black heart!