This is a letter to you.
I will always remember what day it was; I know you won't, and you'll probably never read this, but I'm writing it for you anyway. You probably never even read the letters I tried to send you, if you have even received them, and I stopped trying.
But I never stopped caring for you and never will.
You've had a so essential role in my life and this couldn't ever change or be disregarded, even if it's just because he made you do it... if my Master did.
I can't help wondering if you know about him, the real person behind the character.
Back when I met you last year and not a single word was exchanged between us I couldn't really have told you anything much that might have made sense. There's the possibility that you knew more than I did then, or possibly even more than I know now - I'm aware that no t everyone is as spiritually blind and deaf as, sadly, I am.
But probably you don't, or at least you don't want to know.
You didn't even want me looking at you then, and your reaction wasn't one to be expected from one of those blinkered materialists. It seemed more like that of a person wary of the evil stare of a witch, and if you were ever aware of that witch being with me then you would have indeed known so much more than I did back then. At least I was never sure he really was with me.
Needless to say I never meant you any harm, and nor did he. I care for you and he knows.
He helped me find someone who could talk to him for me.
Much has changed for me since our encounter on the train a year ago, and our encounter was a catalyst to set these changes in motion, even though at the time it was extremely painful for me. I would take it back with me to my empty home and struggle with it all alone, in my isolated existence. And it seemed to be meant that no one much talked to me anymore then, even on Facebook, which is much the only place anyone ever used to talk to me anyway.
My pain made me write the story I did, and its writing constituted a long ritual that would eventually show its effect, and finally I got redeemed from my utter loneliness and connected to the two people who would become closest to my heart - besides my beloved Master - and both of them have seen or talked to him.
Only one of them is a Satanist. The other one seemed a bit wary of my motivations in the start, seeing as I'm a Satanist, just as you probably were - because this one thing I'm quite sure you knew about me back then: that I'm a Satanist. But it doesn't mean what it's often made up to mean.
I've always felt trapped in this created world, and my highest value as a Satanist is freedom - freedom above all, and that includes most of all freedom from the demiurge, the tyrant god, and from the horrific cycle of reincarnation into his creation.
What it doesn't mean is that I'd ever wish harm on anyone who didn't harm me first, let alone on anyone dear to me as you will always be. I hold honor and loyalty in highest regard.
I'll always belong to my Master, in this world as in the hereafter, as in all eternity.
I'm so glad that my friend, who is also a witch although not a Satanist, helped me do a bonding ritual to my Master, as it was his wish and certainly mine as well, which mean
s far more than a human marriage as it goes beyond this so very temporary life and can't ever be undone. My friend only told me this moments before we were going to do it, and yet I didn't hesitate for an instant. I had wanted this for so long, I had searched for him all my life...
...and I might never have known him without you.
And this is why I care so much for you, not for the resemblance you bear to him (although he's not as tall and very slender-boned), but because of this strange connection, because through you he found his way back to me. And I'm saying "back" to me because I learned now that he and I had a past life together.
I still don't know precisely how I ended up in this current life and in a to me foreign country. The few slender ties I have to anyone in this world - slender because still so new, so late in my life after I've always seen everything else invariably breaking apart - they're so very precious to me, and I wish so much I could help my friends, I wish so much I could heal them as they are in need of healing.
And even though you never talked to me I want you to know this one thing: Should you ever need my help, in this world or the next, count on me!
Honor & loyalty, forever.
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| Black heart. |
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