Infernally blessed be.
I recreated a playlist on Youtube containing a selection of my songs for tonight.
Most of them are not even particularly Satanic (except "Black Dragon" and "Altered States...") but are great for dancing, and that's what I did earlier. By sunshine - I'd have preferred to dance at night, but it doesn't get dark before 10 PM at this season and I got neighbors in the house... ;)
Worth to go separately: my fave song these days, playing it up & down.
It's so beautiful and so sad. I love it so much. And I despise emotions. Damn it...
Tau Cross: Hangman's Hyll
Full album can be found here.
That's all for today. Now it's nearing midnight on a Sabbath night and I still got things to do...
Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Ain't seen a normal thing in my life
No false pretense from me, ever!
Maybe an antisocial network would work better for me...
I do feel forgotten sometimes, but then I have to remember that I've always lived a shadowy existence at the sidelines of it all, and usually it's the most natural thing in the world to me.
But lately, circumstances are somewhat extraordinary.
Feels like shit just got real lately.
It may be just something to shake me out of the doldrums of my hidden and secluded life. A life only partially real, so separate from the rest of the world, and it makes me realize what it really means to have handed it over to forces that are not of this world.
And doesn't it feel like something that he would do to me, that Satan's son would do? I've come to know him well enough in twenty years or so. Never taking me quite seriously, playing games with me. I love him beyond anything. I only wish so much I could ask him - and get an answer.
I was taught not to believe in coincidence...
Doesn't it mean things are getting weird? Or getting real?
This ain't normal... I caught myself thinking. What an idiotic thought, Diane: What is "normal", really?
Ain't seen a normal thing in my life!
(Let Bob Wilson explain what is normal, if you will.)
And I find myself staring at the event horizon that is in my future - an event horizon as of a black hole, impenetrable to information from beyond it; the point of no return. A decade from now, all this will be gone. I will be gone.
The thing coming my way now is nothing to dread, it will be safe. It's not the horizon.
But I know that eventually I'll have to do what is anything but safe. What could be more unsafe than going to battle.
This one won't be a battle. More like a rare event, like the solar eclipse to be observed from my home country soon, and which I'll never see since I'm here now. Here where I've lived for so long now, so far from home since I have no home in this world nor amidst the stars. None that I know about. My only hope, that I will have one on the other side.
But hope is as futile as emotions and all this other bullshit.
If I get a chance, what will I say?
Just the same I always say, the things I've been saying here. The truth - no false pretense, not from me, ever!
Yes, I'm a monster, and flaunting it.
Thinking back once more about the events of several months ago when I unexpectedly got rid of some "friends" on Facebook over that python post - and it only makes me want to express even more emphatically what I truly am. Apparently they had mistaken me for something I've never been. And what they, and others, were and are doing is actually a pretty nasty thing: Trying to force you to be something you're not. "We'll be your friends, but only if you'll be what we expect of you."
Hell NO, I won't ever!!!
Instead, I got myself this tattoo - four letters that stand for what I stand for.
And to whoever dislikes it, I got four different letters for you then.
Those are: F.O.A.D.!!!
Try urbandictionary.com if you need to look it up. LOL
To all others, true Satanists as well as allies:
I already wish you a wonderful and magical Lammas night tomorrow!
Maybe an antisocial network would work better for me...
I do feel forgotten sometimes, but then I have to remember that I've always lived a shadowy existence at the sidelines of it all, and usually it's the most natural thing in the world to me.
But lately, circumstances are somewhat extraordinary.
Feels like shit just got real lately.
It may be just something to shake me out of the doldrums of my hidden and secluded life. A life only partially real, so separate from the rest of the world, and it makes me realize what it really means to have handed it over to forces that are not of this world.
And doesn't it feel like something that he would do to me, that Satan's son would do? I've come to know him well enough in twenty years or so. Never taking me quite seriously, playing games with me. I love him beyond anything. I only wish so much I could ask him - and get an answer.
I was taught not to believe in coincidence...
Doesn't it mean things are getting weird? Or getting real?
This ain't normal... I caught myself thinking. What an idiotic thought, Diane: What is "normal", really?
Ain't seen a normal thing in my life!
(Let Bob Wilson explain what is normal, if you will.)
And I find myself staring at the event horizon that is in my future - an event horizon as of a black hole, impenetrable to information from beyond it; the point of no return. A decade from now, all this will be gone. I will be gone.
The thing coming my way now is nothing to dread, it will be safe. It's not the horizon.
But I know that eventually I'll have to do what is anything but safe. What could be more unsafe than going to battle.
This one won't be a battle. More like a rare event, like the solar eclipse to be observed from my home country soon, and which I'll never see since I'm here now. Here where I've lived for so long now, so far from home since I have no home in this world nor amidst the stars. None that I know about. My only hope, that I will have one on the other side.
But hope is as futile as emotions and all this other bullshit.
If I get a chance, what will I say?
Just the same I always say, the things I've been saying here. The truth - no false pretense, not from me, ever!
Yes, I'm a monster, and flaunting it.
Thinking back once more about the events of several months ago when I unexpectedly got rid of some "friends" on Facebook over that python post - and it only makes me want to express even more emphatically what I truly am. Apparently they had mistaken me for something I've never been. And what they, and others, were and are doing is actually a pretty nasty thing: Trying to force you to be something you're not. "We'll be your friends, but only if you'll be what we expect of you."
Hell NO, I won't ever!!!
Instead, I got myself this tattoo - four letters that stand for what I stand for.
 |
| Ad Majorem Satanae Gloriam! |
Those are: F.O.A.D.!!!
Try urbandictionary.com if you need to look it up. LOL
To all others, true Satanists as well as allies:
I already wish you a wonderful and magical Lammas night tomorrow!
Thursday, July 27, 2017
No, I'm not a woman!
I've discussed here in some earlier post my being asexual and also gender-nonconforming - which I have learned by now are two things that don't even necessarily always go together, but in me they do.
I'm no longer overly sensitive about these issues (Me, sensitive? Sounds quite ridiculous anyway - ever seen a sensitive war machine! LOL) since I'm overall quite satisfied with the way I've been able to shape this war machine that is my body.
But sometimes when such gender matters are brought up I feel compelled to speak out,not only on my own behalf but also that of others who may be trans or gender-nonconforming.
And today I saw a meme with the following text on Facebook:
"Transgendered people want to be accepted for who they are, yet they weren't able to accept themselves for who they were?"
My first and very to-the-point reaction:
That's bullshit - you are not your body.
And there we're also into the materialist problem again.
I've always seen myself as apart from my body since I never seemed to have much of a choice in this.
In the past I absolutely HATED my body, more than any words could ever convey. It was a horrible struggle to eventually make all the necessary adjustments to be able to halfway feel at home in it.
Note the expressions "at home", as in a house/shell/vehicle,and most importantly, "in" it.
Never in my life have I ever hated myself - I hated the body I was trapped in!
My friend who had made the original post then commented the following:
" And you're STILL 100% female...just the polar opposite of a girly girl. The fact that you've chosen the path of the warrior does NOT change your gender. You're an EXTREMELY rare type of woman, but you are a woman. There's no shame in being a woman, especially such a strong willed, strong bodied woman. Quite the opposite."
I replied:
" I can see you're meaning well, but it's simply not true. Not even my body is 100% female since I've been taking testosterone injections for over a decade, with side effects on my voice, my body hair, including facial hair (I got various pairs of tweezers since I use them many times each day). The only thing remaining 100% female is my DNA.
But none of these things is "me". The part that will remain after my body dies, that's the actual me, and it has no gender. I (my soul) has never been a woman and never will be."
- And this is the way it is.
I'm glad my body is pretty awesome now, at least for a f***ing human.
I like it the way it is now - scars and all. I always wished to be a monster, and that's what I am.
"What's that coming over the hill? ..." - It's me. LOL
I'm no longer overly sensitive about these issues (Me, sensitive? Sounds quite ridiculous anyway - ever seen a sensitive war machine! LOL) since I'm overall quite satisfied with the way I've been able to shape this war machine that is my body.
But sometimes when such gender matters are brought up I feel compelled to speak out,not only on my own behalf but also that of others who may be trans or gender-nonconforming.
And today I saw a meme with the following text on Facebook:
"Transgendered people want to be accepted for who they are, yet they weren't able to accept themselves for who they were?"
My first and very to-the-point reaction:
That's bullshit - you are not your body.
And there we're also into the materialist problem again.
I've always seen myself as apart from my body since I never seemed to have much of a choice in this.
In the past I absolutely HATED my body, more than any words could ever convey. It was a horrible struggle to eventually make all the necessary adjustments to be able to halfway feel at home in it.
Note the expressions "at home", as in a house/shell/vehicle,and most importantly, "in" it.
Never in my life have I ever hated myself - I hated the body I was trapped in!
My friend who had made the original post then commented the following:
" And you're STILL 100% female...just the polar opposite of a girly girl. The fact that you've chosen the path of the warrior does NOT change your gender. You're an EXTREMELY rare type of woman, but you are a woman. There's no shame in being a woman, especially such a strong willed, strong bodied woman. Quite the opposite."
I replied:
" I can see you're meaning well, but it's simply not true. Not even my body is 100% female since I've been taking testosterone injections for over a decade, with side effects on my voice, my body hair, including facial hair (I got various pairs of tweezers since I use them many times each day). The only thing remaining 100% female is my DNA.
But none of these things is "me". The part that will remain after my body dies, that's the actual me, and it has no gender. I (my soul) has never been a woman and never will be."
- And this is the way it is.
I'm glad my body is pretty awesome now, at least for a f***ing human.
I like it the way it is now - scars and all. I always wished to be a monster, and that's what I am.
"What's that coming over the hill? ..." - It's me. LOL
Friday, July 21, 2017
It doesn't matter
I saw some bullshit TED talk on Youtube today, regarding consciousness. Bullshit because it ended with "when consciousness eventually ends..."
Consciousness doesn't end! Because it's fundamental. Someone else was quoted in the comments: "Your consciousness is not in your head - your head is in your consciousness."
Indeed, that's more like it.
The good thing is, if I should be mistaken it doesn't matter, because in that case absolutely nothing will ever have mattered. I'd just hate to have gone through it all for nothing, but at that point it wouldn't matter anymore. So what could possibly go wrong...
...that's what they always say.
It's not this simple. Faith is everything, and to cop out by saying "if I'm wrong it doesn't matter" is not faith.
Then again, to question everything is also part of this path.
Random: I love this album so much although I don't understand a word of it. But the music is glorious, including the intro. (I do understand that "Per Aspera ad Pestilentiam" means as much as the breath leading to pestilence.)
Give me visions of Hell to put my mind at ease. I'll be at home there.
Consciousness doesn't end! Because it's fundamental. Someone else was quoted in the comments: "Your consciousness is not in your head - your head is in your consciousness."
Indeed, that's more like it.
The good thing is, if I should be mistaken it doesn't matter, because in that case absolutely nothing will ever have mattered. I'd just hate to have gone through it all for nothing, but at that point it wouldn't matter anymore. So what could possibly go wrong...
...that's what they always say.
It's not this simple. Faith is everything, and to cop out by saying "if I'm wrong it doesn't matter" is not faith.
Then again, to question everything is also part of this path.
Random: I love this album so much although I don't understand a word of it. But the music is glorious, including the intro. (I do understand that "Per Aspera ad Pestilentiam" means as much as the breath leading to pestilence.)
Give me visions of Hell to put my mind at ease. I'll be at home there.
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Reaching out to monsters
Welcome to Hell.
I walk alone in the darkness because alone in the darkness is where I belong.
All else is bullshit - it's not even a compromise, it's even less than that, it's bullshit only, and I'm done bullshitting myself.
Yes, I'd like to have someone I could talk to, I mean really talk to, someone at least remotely like myself, but such people don't exist. People like me don't exist. But then for some reason I got this irrational belief that I do exist...
If your heart is black and your blood runs cold, you may be the kind of person. Do you enjoy visuals of murder and mangled corpses? Do you feel you are deep inside what they commonly call a psychopath or even a monster? Sounds lovely to me...
If you're of Satan and you have a deep loathing of humanity, I want to know you.
It sure would help a lot if you also had a basic understanding of things like space time and quantum mechanics - no equations or highly technical stuff,I don't understand that either, but just a general conceptual grasp of things. Having a reasonable level of intellect. Unlike the majority of the crowd commenting on the Bestgore posts... those can be entertaining to read, but nothing more.
I don't care what your age, race, or gender is, nor where you live in the world. It's possible nowadays to communicate instantaneously regardless of distance, and simply to communicate deeply is good enough for me. A long-distance friendship is still a friendship, and a true, deep friendship is probably more than I should realistically hope for. But you see, even monsters may wish to have some kindred souls to talk to.
Even a monster may wish to find a friend.
At this point I may want to emphasize the word FRIENDSHIP.
No matter who you are and no matter your gender: Anything sexual is 100% RULED OUT! I'm not into that stuff, never have been and never will be. I'm asexual.
Other than that I'm very tolerant. If, for instance, you get aroused by dead animals as Jeff Dahmer did and you'd like to talk about that, no problem at all. We can talk about anything. From heartless monster to heartless monster.
Do heartless monsters even care? Well, I am one, and I know I might, so.
I may be not good at this friendship thing though, at least initially, or I don't know if it's me. I'm very introverted. I do know some few other Satanists online, but for some reason no one has ever seemed to wish any closer contact to me. But I guess it's rather that they already have other friends and/or even family.
Myself I don't, and I'm sick of always only ever posting bullshit on Facebook.
HAIL SATAN!
I walk alone in the darkness because alone in the darkness is where I belong.
All else is bullshit - it's not even a compromise, it's even less than that, it's bullshit only, and I'm done bullshitting myself.
Yes, I'd like to have someone I could talk to, I mean really talk to, someone at least remotely like myself, but such people don't exist. People like me don't exist. But then for some reason I got this irrational belief that I do exist...
If your heart is black and your blood runs cold, you may be the kind of person. Do you enjoy visuals of murder and mangled corpses? Do you feel you are deep inside what they commonly call a psychopath or even a monster? Sounds lovely to me...
If you're of Satan and you have a deep loathing of humanity, I want to know you.
It sure would help a lot if you also had a basic understanding of things like space time and quantum mechanics - no equations or highly technical stuff,I don't understand that either, but just a general conceptual grasp of things. Having a reasonable level of intellect. Unlike the majority of the crowd commenting on the Bestgore posts... those can be entertaining to read, but nothing more.
I don't care what your age, race, or gender is, nor where you live in the world. It's possible nowadays to communicate instantaneously regardless of distance, and simply to communicate deeply is good enough for me. A long-distance friendship is still a friendship, and a true, deep friendship is probably more than I should realistically hope for. But you see, even monsters may wish to have some kindred souls to talk to.
Even a monster may wish to find a friend.
At this point I may want to emphasize the word FRIENDSHIP.
No matter who you are and no matter your gender: Anything sexual is 100% RULED OUT! I'm not into that stuff, never have been and never will be. I'm asexual.
Other than that I'm very tolerant. If, for instance, you get aroused by dead animals as Jeff Dahmer did and you'd like to talk about that, no problem at all. We can talk about anything. From heartless monster to heartless monster.
Do heartless monsters even care? Well, I am one, and I know I might, so.
I may be not good at this friendship thing though, at least initially, or I don't know if it's me. I'm very introverted. I do know some few other Satanists online, but for some reason no one has ever seemed to wish any closer contact to me. But I guess it's rather that they already have other friends and/or even family.
Myself I don't, and I'm sick of always only ever posting bullshit on Facebook.
HAIL SATAN!
Sunday, July 16, 2017
Trinity Day
~ Some people laughed; some people cried; most people were silent.
~ Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.
(Robert Oppenheimer about Trinity Test.)
On this day 72 years ago, the sun rose twice at White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico.
That first sunrise at 5:29 AM was the birth of the Atomic Age.
That was more than 40 years before I was born, but worth commemorating. I'd have liked to have a piece of Trinitite, that green glass the desert sand was turned into by the immense heat of the Trinity explosion.
They're still around, those Trinitites, but then again, I wouldn't even have a Geiger counter to ascertain it's real.
(I don't know why they show only the photo of that Fat Man bomb casing for nearly 3 minutes at the end, actual video ends after minute 6.)
Found another beautiful nuke test compilation! (The first one is fake though, trust me, I know.)
Couldn't find a direct link, when I search for nuclear explosions etc., there's just tons of video game Scheiße coming up. Games are stupid, I want the real thing. LOL
~ Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.
(Robert Oppenheimer about Trinity Test.)
On this day 72 years ago, the sun rose twice at White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico.
That first sunrise at 5:29 AM was the birth of the Atomic Age.
That was more than 40 years before I was born, but worth commemorating. I'd have liked to have a piece of Trinitite, that green glass the desert sand was turned into by the immense heat of the Trinity explosion.
They're still around, those Trinitites, but then again, I wouldn't even have a Geiger counter to ascertain it's real.
 |
| I do have reading material, of course! |
I just found a cool video about the Trinity Site. I'd totally wear such a "Radioactive Materials" shirt! :D
(I don't know why they show only the photo of that Fat Man bomb casing for nearly 3 minutes at the end, actual video ends after minute 6.)
Found another beautiful nuke test compilation! (The first one is fake though, trust me, I know.)
Couldn't find a direct link, when I search for nuclear explosions etc., there's just tons of video game Scheiße coming up. Games are stupid, I want the real thing. LOL
Friday, July 14, 2017
The Destroyer of Worlds
Things are in upheaval lately.
There's a need to dispel confusion, for that's what it's been for me mostly; some friends were not so lucky, health problems, injury. Myself I've been fine actually, but getting disproportionately affected by, well, bullshit.
So this guy at the gym today asked me why I'd been doing my treadmill sprints "uphill", and I told him about that 10/10 treadmill challenge (10 mph at 10% incline) where it said if you do under a minute you're a rookie, at least a minute you're a pro athlete, and 2 minutes you're an all-star. How ashamed I've been that despite practicing for a long time now I still didn't even crack the 1 minute mark. And then this guy says, "but you're not a professional." So I am NOT a pro athlete - seriously, WTF??!!!
"What am I, then?" I asked. In the end he said, "Ok, I'll better shut up now." Yeah, a bit late sadly. No idea about this guy, he always seems friendly, but only yesterday I met him and he asked, "Did you lose a lot of weight?" I may not be as perfectly ripped as I'd like to be, but I'd think I got less than a kilogram of body fat left, meaning if I lost a lot of weight I'd require euthanasia since it's all muscle mass and I sure can't afford losing any of that. But so, apparently I'm not a pro athlete but just some fat pig who needs to lose a lot of weight but goes to the gym "only as a hobby", as he suggested.
Hobby - my ass! I found this extremely insulting.
But it's just some bullshit, and it's even more bullshit to feel depressed about it. Anyway, I already hate that word "feel"... it's something that should be avoided, it usually only causes needless trouble. Which is why it's better to simply be a war machine.
All cold steel, I shit bullets...
But when I start that "feeling" bullshit... it's the very thing put into question.
I can brag like a dozen drunk sailors, like 10 dozen drunk sailors, like 10 battalions of drunk sailors...
But can I ever really be good enough?
With what little time I got left.
Yesterday I got into a different argument with the friend of a friend, that one about religion. That girl was showing her tattoos and so I showed mine, including the one on the inside of my forearm that I made myself as a kid, the "SATAN" one. She laughed at that one!
I'm bad at talking to people, for too little practice. Writing has always come to me much easier. We kind of sorted it though. But I had to think about how problematic these kind of people are, who can't take anything seriously, disrespectful even of things that are sacred.
And then I realized why that is, and how it may be best confronted.
Look them in the eye and tell them the truth:
You are too scared to face the fact that you'll die!
This is why you're trying to make a joke of everything. In fact you're dying right now, in a long, slow process that has already been set in motion, that was predetermined from birth.
We're all doomed by the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Entropy is relentless.
And maybe everything's just going to shit.
You can pretend it's not happening, but only for so long.
The only thing you can possibly hold against this is the conscious act of becoming.
This ephemeral incarnation is your chance to do this. It's what I must do.
This is exactly the reason why it's said that you ought to be careful what you wish for. I was really told so, or read it somewhere, I don't remember where I first heard it.
Express what you are, and your true will and intent.
What I truly desire...
TRANSCENDENCE.
If I had to choose one song to represent me, this one would make for a perfect choice.
There's a need to dispel confusion, for that's what it's been for me mostly; some friends were not so lucky, health problems, injury. Myself I've been fine actually, but getting disproportionately affected by, well, bullshit.
So this guy at the gym today asked me why I'd been doing my treadmill sprints "uphill", and I told him about that 10/10 treadmill challenge (10 mph at 10% incline) where it said if you do under a minute you're a rookie, at least a minute you're a pro athlete, and 2 minutes you're an all-star. How ashamed I've been that despite practicing for a long time now I still didn't even crack the 1 minute mark. And then this guy says, "but you're not a professional." So I am NOT a pro athlete - seriously, WTF??!!!
"What am I, then?" I asked. In the end he said, "Ok, I'll better shut up now." Yeah, a bit late sadly. No idea about this guy, he always seems friendly, but only yesterday I met him and he asked, "Did you lose a lot of weight?" I may not be as perfectly ripped as I'd like to be, but I'd think I got less than a kilogram of body fat left, meaning if I lost a lot of weight I'd require euthanasia since it's all muscle mass and I sure can't afford losing any of that. But so, apparently I'm not a pro athlete but just some fat pig who needs to lose a lot of weight but goes to the gym "only as a hobby", as he suggested.
Hobby - my ass! I found this extremely insulting.
But it's just some bullshit, and it's even more bullshit to feel depressed about it. Anyway, I already hate that word "feel"... it's something that should be avoided, it usually only causes needless trouble. Which is why it's better to simply be a war machine.
All cold steel, I shit bullets...
But when I start that "feeling" bullshit... it's the very thing put into question.
I can brag like a dozen drunk sailors, like 10 dozen drunk sailors, like 10 battalions of drunk sailors...
But can I ever really be good enough?
With what little time I got left.
Yesterday I got into a different argument with the friend of a friend, that one about religion. That girl was showing her tattoos and so I showed mine, including the one on the inside of my forearm that I made myself as a kid, the "SATAN" one. She laughed at that one!
I'm bad at talking to people, for too little practice. Writing has always come to me much easier. We kind of sorted it though. But I had to think about how problematic these kind of people are, who can't take anything seriously, disrespectful even of things that are sacred.
And then I realized why that is, and how it may be best confronted.
Look them in the eye and tell them the truth:
You are too scared to face the fact that you'll die!
This is why you're trying to make a joke of everything. In fact you're dying right now, in a long, slow process that has already been set in motion, that was predetermined from birth.
We're all doomed by the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
Entropy is relentless.
And maybe everything's just going to shit.
You can pretend it's not happening, but only for so long.
The only thing you can possibly hold against this is the conscious act of becoming.
This ephemeral incarnation is your chance to do this. It's what I must do.
This is exactly the reason why it's said that you ought to be careful what you wish for. I was really told so, or read it somewhere, I don't remember where I first heard it.
Express what you are, and your true will and intent.
What I truly desire...
TRANSCENDENCE.
If I had to choose one song to represent me, this one would make for a perfect choice.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
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