Abandon all hope

There never has been any promise.
I'm in a dark, dark place - both literally and otherwise.
Germany is a dark place in winter, and monstrously cold.
I'm used to it though and it wouldn't trouble me much. It's the metaphorical dark place I'm struggling with, and I can only wonder if this will ever be resolved. Sometimes I wish this trial was over and I could finally go home. Home is with my Master.

And I have to think back of that fleeting moment that was the happiest I've ever been in my life - although I was dead. It was in a dream, and in that dream I had died. I could fly. There were other people around flying, and I figured they must also have died, like myself. Just as in waking and living life, they flocked together in groups or pairs while I was on my own. So it actually started out lonely. I sat down on top of a high, flat building. At first some nasty guy suddenly appeared who tried molesting me, he didn't talk but just stared at me blank while trying to touch me. In anger I broke off parts of his hand, they would come off easily like brittle clay. The guy still just stared at me blank, like not even getting what I was doing to him, but since he wouldn't go away I next grabbed his whole hand and broke it off too, throwing it off the building.
Then suddenly I heard this familiar voice from behind me, telling me sternly, "Stop wasting your time with this thing."
I instantly recognized my Master's voice and turned around to face him. The weird zombie guy had simply disappeared then. My Master sat down next to me and I was so, so happy to see him, and all I wanted was to be near him, forever.

But there never has been any promise, and that's what troubles me.

Most of the time I have just nightmares, welling up out of my awful memories which I wish I could forget, and forget all those people I had to grow up around, forget their names, their faces, their sickening voices and language.

That T-rex is gonna eat that sunflower!
Poor sunflower.
Wondering if you're meant to take this seriously?
Like I'd give a shit.

Abandon all hope, you who enter here, these are the words by the portal of Hell.
I have always lived inside, and it wasn't even always so bad as my nature is Infernal.
Everything is dying and all hope is lost - for some reason such words always make me smile a little for the warm familiarity therein.
I came across an article yesterday that even encourages to give up hope.

But somehow I can't stop hoping.
Now that the Year of Azerate truly is dawning - hoping for our shared dream to come true, both my Master's and mine.

I'm trying my best to do my part. To write, to pray.
To write... that story is coming along, I'm still working on it, every day a little, letting it develop on its own as I've done with the previous ones. This one's not starting out from a dream but from some other experiences I've had and which I need to resolve somehow by way of the story. It's more than a story, it's also a ritual.

The past few weeks left me so broken inside, but perhaps I need to be - to be most complete yet so undone...

How much sunshine...

I'm still working on that sunshine. But in order to produce it I'll still have to ride out some tremendously foul weather that dumped some landslides on me or something. For a while I had no idea what to do about it. Then I decided to write a new story, and that's what I'm currently working on.

Along with my usual workouts, of course - including running. I did nearly 11 miles yesterday, up & down in the hills, in 90 minutes. Didn't mean to, usually I run about 8 miles, but it happened somehow. On through the mud & over fallen logs & stuff. Feels good to just run for the hills! (Now ain't that a bit un-warrior-like?)

A warrior's running shoes. Mud battle!

Onward and upward. I already bought a new wall calendar for next year - can't believe there's just about 6 weeks left of this one now! And it's been quite a roller coaster, the kind that won't let off until you're barfing.
No, it hasn't all been bad only, just very up& down, just like a roller coaster. It's just gonna take me a little until everything stops spinning around me & I'll be able to walk in a straight line again...

New calendar.
(& good old Bela Jaws.)

Make 2018 the Year of the War Machine, I decided! Let her win her battles!
And perhaps even take down the world. It's a lucky number, after all. Google "Current 218" if you don't know what I mean. Yes, 218, not 2018, but zero doesn't change the numerological value.

A M S G

This tattoo is definitely one of the best things that happened this year, I absolutely love it, it's as beautiful as its meaning - Ad Majorem Satanae Gloriam!

Let it serve to remind me that everything I do, and also everything I endure, is to be for the greater glory of Satan!

10,000 mile stare

Day off workout, so I rode to the woods for a bit as it might always be the last time  these days before the winter hits for good. It was forecast to be nearly 60 F one last time, but it was very windy and felt more like 40s. Especially after lying down on a steep slope next to a tall pine tree for a little while to find comfort out in nature, although unable to avoid thinking about recent events over and over, still picking up the pieces.
But also, as usual, pondering how anyone can actually believe that the entire natural world is nothing but a hollow facade, meaningless and basically dead, with absolutely nothing beyond.
After about half an hour I was terribly cold, so I took my bike to leave and still buy some groceries on the way home. I was wearing only fingerless gloves, the metal studded, black leather ones, and my fingers felt totally frozen. But not only this. For some reason it was only the index and middle finger of my right hand which felt completely numb and looked shockingly white and bloodless - but so I know for sure now that, as already suspected long since, I have indeed Raynaud's disease. Needless to say, this is what makes German winters at least doubly brutal for me. Some idiots have been making fun of me for always being cold.

Back at home and at my PC, I found some interesting articles regarding my main field of interest and study, consciousness.
The first one starts with what I personally consider almost an "old hat", explaining the double slit experiment and its implications, including the "delayed choice" version of the experiment. I'm also familiar with Roger Penrose's books "The Emperor's New Mind" and "Shadows of the Mind", both of which I own. Btw, that's a cool photo of him on the spiral stairway.
But then, some new and to me heretofore unknown ideas are introduced, regarding the nuclear spins of phosphorus and lithium atoms.

The second article explores the idea that The Universe May Be Conscious, as well as various different views ranging from materialism to panpsychism. I was familiar with famous and brilliant John A. Wheeler having coined the term black holes (which, hilariously, was initially rejected for sounding "obscene"), but that he apparently also spoke of a "proto-consciousness field" was unknown to me. - Proto-consciousness! A perfect term to describe what I had so far lacked a useful term for. As when saying, "I believe everything in the universe is consciousness, although much of it not having awakened yet - thus unconscious." But "unconscious consciousness" sounds retarded... LOL. Proto-consciousness is heaps better!
Also explored is the idea that stars might be conscious, which I first heard from Rupert Sheldrake in his book "The Science Delusion" (also in my collection).
This article also ends with Sir Roger Penrose and a video of him.

After this I still found several videos on the subject of AI and the possible threat it may pose, which is quite interesting. And also a philosophical monologue making brilliant arguments as to why the view of materialism ought to be abandoned - without making a case in favor of religion!
Having ranted here in various earlier blog entries about how there usually is only the clash of these two extremes, materialism on one side and traditional religion on the other, I really welcome the much more balanced point of view stated in this video.

Balance... everything seems to be hanging in the balance lately. Strange things arising, then coming crashing down on me. It is said if you use magic but then disbelieve in it, you will lose everything you had previously gained through it. Is this what happened? Through the habitual way of thinking - biased toward science, cold logic, probabilities...?
I know a few things about wording when doing rituals, but maybe not enough. My approach is naive and pretty clueless, and so I get crazy results.
("Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"?!) LOL
But for all that happened, I'm more convinced than ever that I'm right - it's not a hollow facade with only the semblance of life in it.

The irony of how some conscious beings can deem consciousness to be an illusion!

In some strange way it's all... not really so bad. I know well things could be much worse, I'm still being protected. That I have this particular, dark temperament, a propensity for depression, is all. It can in some circumstances be really tough to handle, but it also makes me who I am.

Can you do the 10,000 mile stare straight into the Abyss?
I do it all the time, yet no one but the Abyss sees me doing it.

 

Denied

Sadly, my Hallows Eve didn't go very well.
Some notes from last night:

"Chance find in YT recommendations: "The Wolves of Chernobyl".
Significance: The "Zone" is so much more beautiful that what it used to be before the disaster!
Wilderness. Like me. I'm savage. I need to keep humans out of this wilderness (my life), except for those few who will cherish the wilderness for what it is and leave it be.

For the record: deleted from friends list a person who thought my previous blog entry was funny. Especially as the journey is drawing ever closer to its end I got no use for those who think everything's just for shit 'n giggles. I can accept and even count among my friends someone who stands on the other side, who will never share my path but will at least acknowledge there is a path.
Yes, life can seem like a cruel joke at times. But if you believe a joke is all it is then GTFO. Also, makes me curious what you'll do when your final hour here is dawning!

The wilderness. You can burn it down and it will be a wasteland, but the wilderness will reclaim it much more swiftly than you think.
There will be no escape.
I haven't even started yet...
--
By 8:30 PM, the sacrifice was given and the sacrament received, the ritual concluded. Copal Negro is the most glorious incense ever!
Forget about the little smoke alarm incident. Oh well.
And now...

Seven downward slopes,
Seven bloodied hopes,
Seven holy paths to Hell
And your trip begins


[Or it doesn't.]
--
Singing along to "Hangman's Hyll". Of course. I'm so obsessed with Hangman's Hyll. Most glorious song ever.
--
My dearest Master, I know you have power to destroy me, you have power to deny me everything. To deny me life, to deny me death.
What can I do to earn Your blessing?"

---

What happened is... nothing. At all.
I did my ritual as planned, burning my incense I bought on eBay last week for such purposes.

What the sacrament is? Hawaiian shrooms.
I hadn't eaten after lunch. And Hawaiian are supposed to be the strongest ones. Back in Amsterdam in August I used different ones, and only about 2/3 of the full dose, and those did work, even though spending all day outdoors riding the bike I'd been eating bread rolls and granola bars much all the time then.
But I know it will have been his doing that this time nothing at all would happen.
Not just that I didn't see him, or had a bad trip, but just nothing.
I only got very tired and laid down even before midnight. I woke some time just before morning with the bedside light still on.

Little verse at bottom is from the song
"Farewell to Eden" by Dream Into Dust.

In the morning I still felt really drained. I had to ride to the gym anyway since I hadn't been yesterday. Since the weather was nice for the season, even if "nice" is no better than freezing 60 F at best now, I even rode to John Reed gym near Godesberg, a 40 minute bike ride (one way).

"But all I get from you is a whimper." Oh that's so much like him - and I love him so much for it!
But I don't know what to do now. I looked forward to this Sabbath night and now there will be nothing to look forward to for a very long time; I can only hope he'll talk to me somehow. Or kill me. We've long been back at this point, "If only I could die at Your hands, my Master..."
I'm sure he knows I mean it, every time I've said it to him.