Abandon all hope

There never has been any promise.
I'm in a dark, dark place - both literally and otherwise.
Germany is a dark place in winter, and monstrously cold.
I'm used to it though and it wouldn't trouble me much. It's the metaphorical dark place I'm struggling with, and I can only wonder if this will ever be resolved. Sometimes I wish this trial was over and I could finally go home. Home is with my Master.

And I have to think back of that fleeting moment that was the happiest I've ever been in my life - although I was dead. It was in a dream, and in that dream I had died. I could fly. There were other people around flying, and I figured they must also have died, like myself. Just as in waking and living life, they flocked together in groups or pairs while I was on my own. So it actually started out lonely. I sat down on top of a high, flat building. At first some nasty guy suddenly appeared who tried molesting me, he didn't talk but just stared at me blank while trying to touch me. In anger I broke off parts of his hand, they would come off easily like brittle clay. The guy still just stared at me blank, like not even getting what I was doing to him, but since he wouldn't go away I next grabbed his whole hand and broke it off too, throwing it off the building.
Then suddenly I heard this familiar voice from behind me, telling me sternly, "Stop wasting your time with this thing."
I instantly recognized my Master's voice and turned around to face him. The weird zombie guy had simply disappeared then. My Master sat down next to me and I was so, so happy to see him, and all I wanted was to be near him, forever.

But there never has been any promise, and that's what troubles me.

Most of the time I have just nightmares, welling up out of my awful memories which I wish I could forget, and forget all those people I had to grow up around, forget their names, their faces, their sickening voices and language.

That T-rex is gonna eat that sunflower!
Poor sunflower.
Wondering if you're meant to take this seriously?
Like I'd give a shit.

Abandon all hope, you who enter here, these are the words by the portal of Hell.
I have always lived inside, and it wasn't even always so bad as my nature is Infernal.
Everything is dying and all hope is lost - for some reason such words always make me smile a little for the warm familiarity therein.
I came across an article yesterday that even encourages to give up hope.

But somehow I can't stop hoping.
Now that the Year of Azerate truly is dawning - hoping for our shared dream to come true, both my Master's and mine.

I'm trying my best to do my part. To write, to pray.
To write... that story is coming along, I'm still working on it, every day a little, letting it develop on its own as I've done with the previous ones. This one's not starting out from a dream but from some other experiences I've had and which I need to resolve somehow by way of the story. It's more than a story, it's also a ritual.

The past few weeks left me so broken inside, but perhaps I need to be - to be most complete yet so undone...