I don't exist, and if I did I'd be a tree

Well yes, I'm writing this blog so it seems I do exist after all... but apparently a lot of people believe that people like me don't exist.
I received the link to this article a little while ago and meant to write about it myself ever since. (Much workout, much fatigue, much stuff going on.) Because this article is about me - not personally, but about people who are asexual just like I am.

When I read it I recognized much of myself in it, although this guy in the article realized amazingly quickly that "asexual" is the term for what he is. Myself I may have had lots of additional complications going on - being very introverted, even autistic-leaning, and suicidal for hating my then weak and useless body, etc.
But what once more shocked me about the article, even now, is the extent to which asexuality is still unknown, so much even that lots of people seem to have never heard of it or it never even occurred to them that it exists at all!

It really puzzles me how this can be so, since virtually everyone spends at least their first decade of life in this same state! In fact when asked about my sexuality, which happens sometimes since I'm obviously gender-nonconforming or at least extremely masculine (and probably most often deemed a lesbian), this is what I usually tell people when they can't make sense of "asexual": Just think back of your own sexuality when you were about 5 years old. You didn't have any sexual feelings then? See, and in me this just never changed. It's this simple really.

It's good to see that by now there's some information available, but you'd probably rarely come across it unless you search for it.
Definitions may vary slightly, and I personally strongly disagree with the statement, as given in this info sheet (PDF), that asexual people "may experience arousal and orgasm". In my opinion, if you have anything at all going on down there then you're by definition not asexual.
Even more recently I chanced upon this article explaining "graysexuality", a term I'd never heard before, and I think it's in fact a neat description for all those people who are, unlike myself, not 100% asexual.

Everything is not that simple, obviously, and I've been puzzled myself to read that there are asexual people who are interested in dating, and apparently even a number who are willing to compromise for a non-asexual partner... something which would be absolutely beyond unthinkable to myself, but then again, I'd never have any interest in dating in the first place. Frankly, I find humans to be physically quite repulsive animals.
I wouldn't want to live forever in such a body, and so I'm glad we don't...
I don't know if other asexuals also feel like this to some extent, but personally I've always felt somewhat indignant about having to eat, to sleep, and excrete wastes... getting hungry, getting tired so easily, being cold most of the time...
It's a bit of a comfort that there are other animals who all share the same predicaments, although in very much prettier bodies. The ones with pointy fins and pointy teeth...

The quest to see the Milky Way

I still haven't succeeded in it, but although the Terschelling plan has been abandoned since the climate has taken a turn for the worse here in Europe (and the northern islands are generally even colder than here at home), there is new hope. I found a new dark sky map with previously unseen resolution, and thereby found that not too far from home there's a spot in the woods which, albeit not ideal, is considerably more favorable to stargazing than the closer vicinity.

So I rode there yesterday - twice; first by day to explore and then in the evening to wait for nightfall.
I was thwarted by cloudy skies. But I hadn't been in the woods by night in a long time and it was good to be back once more, sitting on a bench in the darkness, listening to the nocturnal insects and having a large moth buzz around my hair.
I soon decided to venture back homeward though since the cloud cover only kept increasing. When reaching an unlit, open field, I saw pools of intense light pollution reflected off the distant clouds to the north, presumably from downtown Bonn and possibly Cologne.
But back in the woods I also saw some glowworms, I had one crawl over my fingernail.
I had a flashlight in my backpack but I didn't use it a single time, I had no trouble finding my way through the nocturnal woods. Only on the most difficult parts of the trail (more potholes and gullies than trail) I rather pushed my bike as riding was too tricky in the dark. I was back home around midnight.

According to the map, even further south from here there are places just as dark as on Terschelling. For the most part they seem to be in the Eifel mountain region and possibly inaccessible, but another one southwest of Rheinbach would be a close second. I have to keep an eye on the phases and rise & set of the moon as well, but I'll keep trying. Clear nights are rare though, and sadly they're usually even colder than under overcast skies.

As usual, I meant to post again much sooner and more frequently but as usual I've been busy...
For at least a month I meant to write a blog post about being asexual, because that's what I am (and so yes,it exists) and it's so difficult for me to imagine how difficult most people find this to imagine - apparently.
More about this next time though.