First entry for December, seriously?
I've been busy working on my story, it's a long one and it's almost done & soon to be published here now.
It's the most depressing time of the year, when loneliness is felt at its harshest because the freezing winter prevents me from spending much time outdoors in nature, especially having Raynaud's disease.
It's the time that forces you to look inward - especially if you don't take part in that peak time of shopping and consumerism as you have neither money nor any family members, and I certainly don't regret not having any part in this. I'm so sick of materialist bullshit, I can't see why some people cling so much to it.
"You're bound to lose EVERYTHING unless you realize you never owned anything," I posted on Facebook the other day.
I've never been part of human society and haven't seen much of this world, and yet
"I've seen more than I remember &
I remember more than I have seen,"
always riding the bike.
It's a souvenir from Amsterdam, bought on October 17th, and I bought it in particular because of those words.
(I'll always & forever remember that day, but for different reasons.)
It's a ladies' shirt, so I had to change the sleeves again to accommodate my bulky shoulders.
I generally don't care for manmade places, in other words for cities. What makes Amsterdam so different? I'll always love Amsterdam. Because Amsterdam
is different.
But otherwise I prefer wilderness, of which there's so precious little left.
It's been said that an author can only write about what she has experienced. I'm doing my best with my story, in my very own style, and I'm trying to make it epic.
But I realize that in some aspects I'm probably incredibly naive. I'm actually very glad that I'm none of those fake plastic people with lots of money, and that I don't live in their shiny, artificial world. I can even visit parts of their world if I like. I still remember, there's for instance this very upscale department store at Dam Square in Amsterdam, called "De Bijenkorf" (which translates as "The Beehive"), and I walked in there out of curiosity one day when I was in the city, and for some reason I was convinced someone would sooner or later come and throw me out. No one did though. Although I wore no f'ing makeup - I never do and never will! I'm always just myself.
I belong in the woods, on my bike, splashed with mud, walking barefoot in summer - summer which is so far away now, and I'm left to wonder if in my heart there will ever be another summer again while so much is left unresolved and perhaps to remain this way forever.
Yet this place of trial is a world of smoke and mirrors; it ain't any more real than my nightmares but oh, if only I could gain control of those!
Smoke and mirrors, perhaps reflecting from the two-dimensional surface of the event horizon which is the boundary of the known/knowable universe.
I don't know how much of this is common knowledge or if it's just weirdos with a slightly nerdy edge like myself who read about these things. But yes, the universe is thought to be much like black hole from the inside out, the event horizon being that boundary from beyond which no light can have reached us yet, because beyond this point, space is expanding at a rate faster than c (the speed of light in a vacuum).
And the light from right at that boundary is 13.7 billion years old.
Have you ever thought about that we can't know anything about the universe as it is right now? The further out, the further back in time, because of the time it takes the light to reach Earth. You can't even see the sun as it is right now. (Right now it's night here, and winter too; at this season it's night for about 17 out of 24 hours in Germany, and the remaining hours of daylight it's overcast most of the time,so the sun is rarely seen these days, but this just btw.)
Anyway, this time delay doesn't matter for any distance as "close" as anywhere on Earth. As soon as you think about outer space this changes though.
You can only ever see the sun as it was 8.1 minutes ago, because that's how long it takes the light to get here from the sun.
Even the moon you see only as it was 1.3 seconds ago.
And doesn't it prove that all of time, the past as well as the future, really is "out there" in its entirety? And I mean not just as a theoretical construct,but as a reality. And since the future is undetermined, shouldn't the past be as well?
We seem to remember the past, but it may be an illusion. What if our memories don't reflect the real past? They're just a representation in consciousness - as is everything else, by the end of the day.
I wish I could edit the past like I can edit my writing. Delete undesirable memories like I can delete stuff from my PC. Because those memories are the source of my nightmares. All those old, old memories from times when I hated what I was.
All I once was, indignity and failure.
What I am now is battle and trial and war.
What I aspire to become is POWER and VICTORY!
