Denied

Sadly, my Hallows Eve didn't go very well.
Some notes from last night:

"Chance find in YT recommendations: "The Wolves of Chernobyl".
Significance: The "Zone" is so much more beautiful that what it used to be before the disaster!
Wilderness. Like me. I'm savage. I need to keep humans out of this wilderness (my life), except for those few who will cherish the wilderness for what it is and leave it be.

For the record: deleted from friends list a person who thought my previous blog entry was funny. Especially as the journey is drawing ever closer to its end I got no use for those who think everything's just for shit 'n giggles. I can accept and even count among my friends someone who stands on the other side, who will never share my path but will at least acknowledge there is a path.
Yes, life can seem like a cruel joke at times. But if you believe a joke is all it is then GTFO. Also, makes me curious what you'll do when your final hour here is dawning!

The wilderness. You can burn it down and it will be a wasteland, but the wilderness will reclaim it much more swiftly than you think.
There will be no escape.
I haven't even started yet...
--
By 8:30 PM, the sacrifice was given and the sacrament received, the ritual concluded. Copal Negro is the most glorious incense ever!
Forget about the little smoke alarm incident. Oh well.
And now...

Seven downward slopes,
Seven bloodied hopes,
Seven holy paths to Hell
And your trip begins


[Or it doesn't.]
--
Singing along to "Hangman's Hyll". Of course. I'm so obsessed with Hangman's Hyll. Most glorious song ever.
--
My dearest Master, I know you have power to destroy me, you have power to deny me everything. To deny me life, to deny me death.
What can I do to earn Your blessing?"

---

What happened is... nothing. At all.
I did my ritual as planned, burning my incense I bought on eBay last week for such purposes.

What the sacrament is? Hawaiian shrooms.
I hadn't eaten after lunch. And Hawaiian are supposed to be the strongest ones. Back in Amsterdam in August I used different ones, and only about 2/3 of the full dose, and those did work, even though spending all day outdoors riding the bike I'd been eating bread rolls and granola bars much all the time then.
But I know it will have been his doing that this time nothing at all would happen.
Not just that I didn't see him, or had a bad trip, but just nothing.
I only got very tired and laid down even before midnight. I woke some time just before morning with the bedside light still on.

Little verse at bottom is from the song
"Farewell to Eden" by Dream Into Dust.

In the morning I still felt really drained. I had to ride to the gym anyway since I hadn't been yesterday. Since the weather was nice for the season, even if "nice" is no better than freezing 60 F at best now, I even rode to John Reed gym near Godesberg, a 40 minute bike ride (one way).

"But all I get from you is a whimper." Oh that's so much like him - and I love him so much for it!
But I don't know what to do now. I looked forward to this Sabbath night and now there will be nothing to look forward to for a very long time; I can only hope he'll talk to me somehow. Or kill me. We've long been back at this point, "If only I could die at Your hands, my Master..."
I'm sure he knows I mean it, every time I've said it to him.