Echoes

Feeling a bit depressed these days. I came home with hypothermia on Saturday, after just spending a little while at Old Customs Point, where it was fairly crowded and all the other people not even wearing gloves! But due to my Raynaud's syndrome, 50 F for me is as 30 F is for most other people, I guess. I didn't even sit down on the freezing cold wall the way I used to do on warmer days, when the stone was warm. It's hard for me as an outdoor person to be unable to simply hang out somewhere, for a long time again now.

There also seems to be a little echo from a year ago, when I had just entered a very dark time, and not due to the season then. I'm glad to be no longer alone, but also sad that one of my dearest friends, who I'm forever indebted to for enabling communication to my Master, suffers from horrible, chronic illness. There are other problems too, and being spiritually blind and deaf as I am, all I can do is pray and ask for help, never knowing if I'll be heard.

There are still my bad dreams, which are part of the problem. I wish so much I could at least be with my Master in my dreams, if not in waking life, but even this I'm being denied. The dreams are mostly no longer as awful as they used to be, but rarely pleasant. At least the most unwelcome intrusion of former "family" characters seems to be getting less frequent.
Recently, there were children unknown to me who addressed me in German language, which I loathe, and I tried to ignore them or get across that I speak English only. They weren't hostile but just very inquisitive, and their language bothered me because it reminds me of my past, that awful family I had to grow up with, the abhorred school full of bullies I had to attend, and then the psychiatry I got incarcerated in for refusing to do the latter any longer.

Going home would be nice. But home for me is not in this world, it will always be with him, and he's not in this world. Hasn't been for three hundred years.

Back in spring when doing the bonding ritual, I hoped so much I would in time find my way to communicate with him. But still I basically don't even know how to get started.
Of course I talk to him, all the time, but there usually is very little, if anything, I'm able to receive in terms of response. I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do, I wish he could tell me. I feel useless.

Yet with the cold season costing much extra energy, I got very little left anyway besides my obligatory workouts, and being constantly tired. Work out, eat, sleep. That's all. The pointless existence we're condemned to in the creation of the cursed demiurge.

I hope nonetheless that my Halloween will be much better than last year's, which was agonizing.