The Howling Demons Sang To Him With Fiendish Songs Of Grief

I'm certainly glad the hated xmas days are over once more, despite my gym fortunately being open 24/7/365 so that I could simply keep doing business as usual. Still those days invariably have a depressed mood, and I think that's not just me, I've heard the same from others who are not bound in a conventional family lifestyle - as well as statistics saying that suicide rates are higher on xmas than at any other time of the year.

So besides the obligatory workouts I kept myself busy with my usual interests. I still haven't found any useful literature from the Darkside perspective; instead I only found another few, more general ones dealing with a consciousness-centered concept of reality and debunking materialistic reductionism which I have started putting on my Amazon wish list.

Of course it has come to me that I may have to work out my very own path all by myself, and I guess that's even what a Satanist is supposed to do. Yesterday I complained to a friend how the "Satanic" literature I've so far come across seems to be written either by people who are only out to make money with it and who don't really believe in Satan (E.A. Koetting, Michael W. Ford, and of course most notoriously A.S. LaVey & Co.) or by such who are totally on the loony train, writing about vampirism and other nonsense. I don't even care for fiction about vampires due to its silliness. (It usually has sexual connotations - sexuality in general being something grotesquely incomprehensible to me, in a bad way, not in one that would wake my curiosity.)

But talking about fiction, I found today this wonderful documentary about my favorite author, H.P. Lovecraft. Having been familiar with his world since my early teens it has always somehow been part of mine as well and thereby a source of comfort when I needed one, along with other dark or Satanic art.
I feel I have something in common with Lovecraft - certainly not his xenophobia nor am I in any way conservative, quite in the contrary, as I actually am a being somehow alien to humankind as a whole, a rebel not by choice but by nature since I've always felt that the common categories of nationality, gender, and even race or species don't apply to me, so I think in these aspects I'm quite the opposite of him. But the common ground is a certain dark and very introvert temperament, the preference for written correspondence over socializing in crowded places, and generally a predilection for meaningful conversation, for pondering cosmic vastness and mystery. The soundtrack of life in minor scale - although I can make jokes, and enjoy them too, and even be quite silly at times, I'm still mostly a serious person, and I guess sometimes even with some sense of nostalgia.
- "If it's not broken, don't fix it." - Is this really the only reason why I got myself from a flea market the very same type of telephone my grandparents had when I was a kid? Probably not, because this is the only type of phone I've ever had in my life, the only type I want, and I specifically searched the flea markets for one like this.

Number isn't mine but the previous owner's. :)

Now here is the documentary:

 What puzzled me was when that Goth lady in the documentary said that deep time is something you don't usually consider in daily life. Myself I've always been thinking in magnitudes of millions or billions of years. Like Lovecraft I'm for the most part self-taught (nearly entirely, actually) and I learned early in childhood about the ages of the Earth and the solar system and thereby thought of human life as a pretty ephemeral nuisance I had to rather unwillingly go through. Fortunately I've since found ways to actively take charge of it rather than simply enduring it... :)

A thing that somehow pained me still, just like back in teenage when I was so eager to find the real Necronomicon and to open its gateways to the unspeakable beyond, is when they said it's just a fantasy.
But then again, as oftentimes before, I felt compelled to ask myself again, what really is a fantasy? Where does it come from? And lastly, what can you do with it?
As to where it comes from, the most likely answer seems to be, from the same source where everything comes from: Consciousness! And if it comes from the same source as everything then the answer to what you can do with it is actually: Everything! Which is to some good extent illustrated in the above video.
What Lovecraft gave to this world has created lasting changes. Far beyond yielding enough material for people to talk about in a nearly 90-minute documentary, it produced vast amounts of literary and other work by other artists, building on it - besides even some dead-serious cults, as mentioned. Art is not meaningless, it is even very important! Art is the process of manifesting something from the realm of ideas which hadn't existed in this physical world before. Prose, poetry, as well as visual and musical art - they mean so much to me! Even if it's mostly only these darker kinds of it that speak to me.

So the solution to my quest of late may be in just adapting what I've learned from the white-light folks about non-physical realms beyond to my own different, dark nature. If there are those said thought-responsive regions of the non-physical universe beyond then they can yield not only icky love-and-light-stuff but, thank Cthulhu, cyclopean monsters and unspeakable horrors as well!

So I'm closing with this beautiful and very suitable song which also would never have come into existence without H.P. Lovecraft. I took the title of this entry from it.