Friday the 13th

...usually considered a very favorable day by us Satanic folks.
The year has started ok for me, that is to say as good as any can be expected in these latitudes. And that's the real problem: no year ever starts out really good in Germany, since they all start out with brutal f'ing winter!
Yeah, I can appreciate the black metal "grim northern winter" image to some extent - artistically, esthetically, and yes, my heart is still colder than that. But this seems to have very unfavorable effects on my biology, my body can handle cold temperatures extremely poorly, and cold temperatures are anything below 80 F, let alone below 60 and even worse...
But worse than all of this is that I absolutely depend on a bicycle for transportation. I will ride it in rain and in subzero temperatures. But when road conditions make it impossible, my life comes completely off its hinges!

The forecast is threatening just such a case for this weekend. So I rode downtown today while I could and bought a ticket for the streetcar just to be safe. It was freaking expensive (€ 7.50) for only 2 short rides to the gym and back, but if need be it will get me there. The streetcar stop is just a mile's walk from here. I could save on rides by fully walking one way, which is between 3 and 4 miles. In any case I'll keep riding as long as I can...

I also started running outside again much more often, usually between 4 and 6 miles, ideally about once a week, but picking days that are at the very least mid 30s. (So no, that's not an option to get to the gym in snowy conditions, 1) too cold, 2) I can't run well in snow boots, and most importantly 3) I'd have to carry shitloads of clothes to change which makes it quite impossible!)

So yeah, I really can't wait for the f'ing winter to be over already.

I got some new gear I won't be able to wear for a long time until then...

...and I've been making new jewelry that I don't wear because I'm not the type to wear this, and I can't sell it either because apparently no one would be willing to pay a reasonable price for it, which is the reason why my shop is closing very soon now,since DaWanda is starting to charge listing fees, and since I never sell anything I'm not ready to pay that. I've tried for nearly 5 years!

But I'm still making this stuff because I can, and maybe I'll find some friends to give it to.

And a new FB cover pic, although my current one is the "Happy NUKE Year" fireworks. :D

The final evening

One last time in 2016, dusk is falling, and the golden horizon looks beautiful from behind the window... it's been a cruelly cold day though, barely climbing into the 30s, and will be a brutally cold night. I'll be staying right here, watching fireworks from my balcony as usual on New Year's Eve. It's not a season to leave shelter overnight, not for me.

I've heard many complain that 2016 wasn't a good year, but to me it wasn't that bad. Much better than 2015 when I suffered those severe back problems - severe for a young warrior like me anyway, but once more I learned not to trust in the opinions of doctors but to trust in Satan instead.

Sadly the winter will still last for a long time when the new year has come, but hopefully it will leave when it's due to leave according to the calendar. The winter of 2016 lingered all the way throughout June and into July, that's what I disliked about the year. But my health has been much better again than the year before.

The journey continues, steadily on toward more power and clarity, and what more could I wish for also for the coming year. More milestones in my physical performance, and also spiritual progress on the path of Black Flame and cold heart, and unbending intent of a warrior. Onward I shall march with all my devotion to Satan, and Him I wish to serve in everything I do, each of my days.

Ad Majorem Satanae Gloriam!

Extraterrestrial, and free of parasites

Only three days to the solstice now, and then another ten and the year will be done.
The coming year 2017 for me will mark a happy 10 year anniversary of being parasite free!
Not of lice or tapeworms or any other small bugs, but the noxious type of psychic vampires otherwise known as "family". 10 years of free thinking without this toxic burden polluting my waking life - just the troubled dreams are still quite frequent.

Free thinking... the sad thing is, I even thought I was doing that before while still afflicted with those leeches.It took me a long time to break free, and it's probably still in progress. There are other patterns of indoctrinated thinking to rid oneself of, it's a task that's never really done.

My rebellion started early, and although a worthy and necessary thing, rebellion may often lack direction when born out of sheer desperation.

I'm an alien from outer space who ended up in a human body by accident.
This is what I used to profess perfect conviction of when I was 13 years old. I never really believed it was true although I desperately tried to convince myself that it was true because in a way it was my only hope, and I would never admit to anyone then to have even the slightest doubt that it was true.

The weird thing is, in some way it even is the truth - of course not literally, but in a metaphorical way it's still closer to the truth than I'd ever have imagined back then. My "family" wanted me to be one of them but I wasn't, and it was the last thing in the world I wanted to be!
So I chose to be an alien because that's what I was and am. But back then I didn't know the difference between literal and metaphorical; I was existing in some awful hole exiled from the world about which I didn't know anything much then. I had no one to talk to, let alone to learn from, and no one to ever take me seriously, so it didn't matter at all what I told them or whether they'd think I was insane, I was completely on my own either way.
And that I was trapped in a body that was absolutely unacceptable to me, nothing could ever have been more true than that!

When thinking back it remains an unintelligible conundrum how I could ever have eventually found my way out of that tremendous mess, that utter disaster, which was then my existence (and certainly not a life).
But the conundrum appears to my rational mind only, the part that has learned a scientific way of thinking with its continual demand of evidence. But some varieties thereof are inaccessible to this way of thinking, they only can be found internally and are incommunicable to the outside world.

For instance, do colors really exist? Reductive materialist science says they don't: They're only our brains' interpretation of different wavelengths of light. But how do you measure those wavelengths?
Sure, there are instruments to do it with, but how can we know the measurements of these instruments, or know even the instruments themselves? When all we can ever really know is our brain's interpretation of the instrument, as well as of the measurements taken by it!

Of course, these are not new ideas that haven't ever been thought before by anyone, and yet they are important realizations.
It is as important as ever to question everything, all the stuff presented as self-evident when in fact it is not.
Here's to continually freeing the mind...

HAIL SATAN!

Female serial killer

I awoke in the night, about 1:30 AM, from a very interesting dream.
The serial killer was held at some institution which didn't resemble a jail very much, unless perhaps a very advanced version of the future or simply of that non-physical realm. Locks and bars were entirely absent; the institution consisted of a complex of concrete buildings but the girl was located outside of them. There only were massive numbers of micro cams everywhere, not even really hidden as they glowed faintly green in the dark.
Perhaps it was just a visiting area, but it consisted of an arrangement of sofas and comfortable chairs in an open air setting,sparsely lit under twilight skies on some remote hill.
I got there with a group of other visitors - journalists? psychologists? - who all timidly settled on one side of the arrangement of sofas while the girl sat on the other side. They were terrified of her.
I didn't sit with them. Instead I circled around and approached her from the other side.
The girl was very young, no older than 20, short curly hair, light brown skin, very pretty. I greeted her, talked to her, said how all this security around here would drive me so nuts I'd feel obliged to flip the bird to those cams all the time, which I did. She smiled at me, seemed to like me or at least to find me amusing - the least I could do for her, to make her understand I was on her side. I sure liked her a lot.
But unfortunately I woke up before she could answer me. Only then I really noted the fact that she hadn't been one person but an at least five-fold presence - the group of other visitors sitting on one side, separated from the "group" of her. All her identical, quintuple representations smiled at me as I alone was walking into her midst with my antics. She was wearing a neon-pink shirt with something printed on it - all five of her were wearing that, of course - and it looked much like a summer shirt I have in waking life, printed on it is a skull and in letters shaped like bones the words "LIVE FREE OR DIE".
I think that's what she was wearing, and the statement matches - she actually appeared very much in control of the situation and the others had good reason to be scared, she was very dangerous and they couldn't really confine her.

This dream, although too short, made me feel really good, it came like the answer to my yesterday's frustration about all that white-light bullshit. For here was a person who was living proof that the darkside is also represented and very powerful out there, beautiful, aloof, and absolutely terrifying.

...all else is just crap

Although we have a new president by now and things are mildly interesting (but don't bug me with politics), there's nothing new really in my world. I'm still on my same quest, yet hitting all but dead ends in seeking spiritual advancement, as all the paths I come across are headed in the wrong direction and therefore to be shunned.

After getting a recommendation on Amazon for a book about OBE (out-of-body experiences) I researched  that author and found a video in which he talked about his experiences and his path; I watched the whole nearly 1 hour video (which was only part 1 of 2) and afterward I felt nearly physically sick.
I don't blame the man for simply being who he is, but myself being who I am that basically makes us completely different species, in a spiritual sense, his path being the opposite of my own, and I simply can't help feeling sick whenever coming up against that white-light, compassion and one-ness stuff.

This is such a dead end, there is nothing for me in it. Even though he did mention that all of reality is so much vaster than the tiny fraction of it that we experience, a statement I fully agree with, all the rest sounded as if there was just his one narrow, one-dimensional path to go, one of subservience and self-denial and, although he never expressly mentioned God, I'm under the impression to say, of utterly shameful submission to that tyrant.
There are a number of similar publications out there, all apparently of the same movement, and for the sake of curiosity and "the more you know" I've read a few.

The video left me feeling agitated and depressed.
So where do I turn? Where do I find help? There can be only one answer, the one that has always been: SATAN.
And this is the one positive aspect about it all: At least this much is above and beyond any doubt. The more I see and learn of the other side, the more glaring the certainty that my own spiritual home and refuge is with Satan. Everything that's worthwhile is of Satan or at least has some of His powerful essence within; all else is just crap.

So instead of posting the video lecture here (the author's name is Jurgen Ziewe, if interested you can easily find him) I'll be leaving this beautiful song here which soothes my soul and makes me feel much better.

God vs. God, and Einstein's immortality

I've been dealing a lot with the "war" between theists and atheists, the questions why atheism nowadays is most often taken to imply not to believe in anything other than the physical universe instead of merely not believing in any gods, and why a nonphysical consciousness (soul) and its survival after the death of the body should necessitate a religious concept.
To myself, the terms "soul" and "consciousness" are perfectly interchangeable and really mean the same thing, and although being a Satanist means I am religious in a way, having (or more precisely, being) a soul/consciousness has by itself nothing to do with either God or Satan or religion in  general.
Regardless, in the majority of cases those who do profess, as do I, the view that consciousness is fundamental and transcends physical existence sooner or later arrive at talking about "God".

But another curious thing I couldn't help noticing is that God is not the same as God.
That is, the one God is the Abrahamic God of mainstream religions: the God of the bible, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, or as the Jews write simply G-d; he is a personal god who gives out laws for people to abide to and who can cast you out into Hell if you don't.
The other version of God is more like a universal consciousness which is creator-god in so far as he/it actually became the whole universe, this God is infinite and encompasses everything in existence.
Yet strangely, they usually don't seem to see any conflict between these two versions.
Believers in the Abrahamic God will readily say, "oh yes, God creates everything so he truly is in everything."
And the not traditionally-religious people will say, "yes, the universal God is the one that inspired all the great religions." And both kinds of people will usually say that God represents good, love, compassion and kindness.

You could say that in both cases this can't be true - the God of mainstream religions waged wars, inspired crusades, the Inquisition, torture, slavery and genocide.
Maybe the distinction isn't so great at all in that the Universe does much the same.

The Universe though does not favor compassion over cruelty (etc.), the universe is impersonal and unbiased. The Universe is not good or love - at least not only; it incorporates these just as much as it does evil and hate and it has no preference for either.
An infinite, "universal consciousness" version of god would certainly also include evil, darkness, and every other trait conceived as "negative" and absent in the god of mainstream religions.

Ok... the great commonality though seems to be that in both cases believers appear to be blind to this negative side of their God or to simply deny it.
In this aspect at least, the materialists appear to be more honest. To them, there is only evolution,both cosmological and biological, without true cause and without purpose, and they will freely admit that especially in the biological part, war and violence are great driving forces.

Myself being a Satanist, I'm not biased against any of these negative forces, nor do I embrace human values such as love, compassion and kindness; I see need for these latter ones as weakness just as much as falling victim to any of the former. Human nature is not something to be elevated or celebrated but something at all costs to be overcome, to break free from. To celebrate humanity means celebrating weakness and vulnerability. Once you overcome weakness and vulnerability you won't have any need for compassion or kindness. I wish to overcome the need for anything, because becoming truly free means free from any need - need for food, water, sleep, shelter... free from incarceration in a weak body that depends on all of these. A goal which can only be reached beyond this earthly life, obviously.

I figured out a long time ago, somewhere in the back of my mind, that even if I should be wrong about the primacy of consciousness and the concept I have of a nonphysical afterlife, there is one way in which eternal existence is virtually guaranteed; this being an idea that arose from everything I learned about cosmological spacetime from a purely scientific point if view but which I had never realized in any real concrete way until I chanced upon the video below, and I'd had no idea that Einstein held this belief.
Obviously it can't be proven experimentally and yet I'd think it follows logically from the scientific view.

I want to know those WHO WANT TO KNOW

It's been just over a week now since I deactivated Facebook. It feels a bit lonely but I know it's an illusion that it would be lonelier than before in any meaningful way because I'd be easy enough to find for anyone who cared to; I'm right here, after all. Up until the post preceding this one I always shared every single one of my blog posts on Facebook, and as a rough estimation I received an average of 0.5 "likes" and 0.05 comments per post. (That is, occasionally one "like", rarely more than one, most often zero; comments being exceptionally rare, even on posts where I explicitly asked for feedback.) Most popular were posts containing photos, especially such of my person at the FIBO and such. People hate reading, as it appears - and why would they be more interested in looking at the vessel I'm embodied in that they are in my person?!

Humans are still difficult to understand for me, and yes I'm certainly aware that there are different levels to "understanding". Myself I happen to be all intellect and very little emotion. I do possess a high level of a sort of intuition, but I'd call this sort a "philosophical intuition" (the word philosophy means "love of knowledge"): it derives from reasoning and experience, not from feeling. My "interpersonal skills" are very low, I wouldn't have needed any psychological test to tell me that; it's pretty natural for a reclusive loner.

I may be a hardcore misanthropist to boot, hating the overpopulating human pest species for what it's doing to the rest of all lifeforms on Earth - to the oceans, the rainforests, the planet as a whole. But my vision is certainly wide enough to see that I also need humans - no, not in that silly way! - I need them on my quest for understanding and to expand my knowledge. As you can see I like to frequently put hyperlinks in my posts, which means in turn that I like to use the internet a lot (which was made by people), to read a lot and to search for information, which was written and put there by someone. Intellectual advancement is impossible without communication of some sort, even if not necessarily personal communication - I rarely know the authors of books and articles I read and rarely interact with them besides reading and sometimes sharing their writings, but everything has been written by someone. Reading and writing always is a form of communication.

People sometimes tend to take words too much at face value. For instance, being a true Satanist (that is, one who worships Satan) I have so often railed against LaVeyan (pseudo-)"Satanism", and I've made myself very clear when saying that "a thing like “LaVeyan Satanism” doesn’t exist. Yes, they wrongly call themselves that - but Satanism is the worship of Satan, and LaVeyans are atheists." On which I once received the incredibly asinine comment: "I’m sorry that LaVeyan Satanism doesn’t exist in your world, but in the real world, it does."
Obviously I wouldn't ever dispute that something called "LaVeyan Satanism" does exist - if it didn't then I'd have no reason to rail against it! - but their use of this very term is virtually the only quarrel I have with LaVeyan "Satanists". I'm generally a very tolerant person who understands that everyone has their own reality tunnel and needs to find their very own paths - I even tolerate Christians! (...and found that can I often relate to their views much more than I can to those of materialist atheists, including LaVeyans.)
They simply shouldn't use the term "Satanism" for it since they don't believe in, let alone worship, Satan; that's all of the problem I have with them. The term "Satanism" should be reserved for the belief in Satan, period.
If there's no worship of Satan involved then it's not Satanism, and that's why LaVeyan Satanism does not exist - in particular not in the real world! But only in the world of meaningless words, or in a world that also contains stationary transportation, soundless music, and most notably atheistic Christianity. A world where the sun shines all throughout the night and by daytime it's always pitch dark.

I think this is a major part of the problem: that words all too often are confused with their meaning (or sometimes their meaninglessness, as it is). The advancement of knowledge depends on communication, and communication usually relies on words, which often turn out a rather crude and unreliable instrument of conveying meaning. Yet we have little choice to try and use it anyway as best as we can.

 And those are the people I'd like to meet and communicate with: The ones who WANT TO KNOW in the way I do - to look beyond mere words and appearances, to try and figure out consciousness and reality, to know the true nature of existence.