Long hours spent outdoors again, as it ought to be. But although I haven't had any trouble so far, it's hard to ignore a certain feeling of being persecuted, or at least at the brink of it. A veritable maze of construction fence has come up around the outdoor "gym" at the park over the past week or so, yesterday I saw two guys working out there anyway, so there must be a way in but I haven't further pursued it, as I'd be very uncomfortable with the risk of possibly having my workout disrupted. After all, I still know a nice alternative. It's up in the woods, the horizontal ladder thing and the double bars are at separate locations, about half a mile apart. I had both places all to myself.
I don't mind that this thing is rusty, or that the ground underneath is a swamp.I love the woods and the outdoors, and I'm used to being alone, and don't care if people probably think I'm some dirty homeless girl, as I'm usually mud stained. This is my way of life.
I had a great day. Got myself lost in the woods a bit on a long ride to get to the park from there, which actually is in the opposite direction from home. I probably rode 25 miles in all today. I saw a few people on horseback in the woods, and many others cycling and hiking, and I'm glad they're still coming out, I even felt a sense of friendly solidarity between them all: "We're the ones who decided not to be bullied into staying at home."
At the park I met two friends again, one at a time - two human ones, besides my many little furry friends there. Basically, I have nothing to complain about right now, even with my gym closed.
And yet, back home and especially at night, that sense of threat is washing over me again. I didn't expect that my gym was actually going to close until it happened, pretty much without warning. What else might happen? No, I'm not worried about the virus itself, but about "the powers that be," and what more tyranny they might be plotting next. And I can't shake the feeling of being a scapegoat: "It's people like you who keep stubbornly insisting on their freedom who have caused this virus to emerge and to spread." Not me alone, but "people like me." The free thinkers, the rebels, the ones who refuse to be herded like sheep.
That's why I've been riding to the park every day again lately, although it costs me a fortune (in carrots) and I'm pretty broke. But I need the company and affection now that I get in return from my sweet little familiars.
So it really has come to this, very suddenly and without warning. I'd have had no idea if a friend hadn't told me on Facebook the other night - but yesterday was my last workout there for a long time now, as it's closed now for at least a month due to the CoViD-19 scare. And I've never been away from the gym for longer than 6 days at the most, when I was either traveling or very ill.
I think this is a bad decision. Because young and healthy people are no longer worrying at all about the virus now, but instead they're very worried for their freedom - well, in fact I don't really know about any other young and healthy people, but it seems natural to me to feel this way. If I do get ill, damn, I've had the flu numerous times before in my life. I'm unlikely to die from this, but even if I should die, I know I'll die anyway - everyone does, it's not a matter of if but only of when, and it's beyond me why so many people are in stubborn denial of this fact.
But whether in this life or in the hereafter, freedom is what always matters most in all of existence!
So I'll have to use the workout bars at the park for a long time now, or up in the woods, and go running, etc. Fortunately I know a few such outdoor workout spots, and I have some limited equipment myself. And praise Satan, it's spring now, so being outdoors even more will be much less problematic. I have dumbbells and an EZ bar with weights, a chin-up bar, and today I ordered a set of workout slings on eBay. Stairs, logs and rocks can be used, and hills, of course. I'll get by somehow.
Maybe it's the sunny and milder weather, but I was surprised how busy it's been downtown and at the park these past three days.
Mason bees on my balcony, being really busy too. LOL
I've been kept really busy lately; inundated by massive negativity it was finally time to take a step back and have a good look at this mess. As usual, I should have gotten the message a lot sooner, a helluva lot sooner even than that particular dream I wrote down here three entries below, which gave a good hint that I was missing the elephant in the room. Oh boy, was that an elephant... but everyone was looking the other way.
Yet it's the communication problem between my Master and me which threw me into a vicious circle, when seeking help with this very problem got me trapped in a dangerous dead end, and the same problem made it so difficult for him to make me realize I was going down the wrong track. I hope my Master always knew that all I tried to do was for him. That I'm the one true to her colors, ready to seek out all options available, to go on hazardous journeys for him. If I'm required to ride to the woods in the middle of the night I readily do so. And when I make grave mistakes, which I did, I'll do my utmost to correct them, and also to learn from them. One thing I refuse to do is to give up, because I owe him to do my very best.
On the Midwinter night I had a sort of epiphany, and I meant to write about this for more than a month now, obviously. I was watching another video lecture regarding the origin and evolution of the universe, and coming from the reductionist-materialist point of view, explaining how according to quantum physics even the most perfect vacuum must contain energy in form of quantum fluctuations - the generation of virtual particle and anti-particle pairs, and according to these laws of quantum physics, the big bang and thereby the birth of the universe eventually had to happen. In other words, according to the laws of nature, the universe had to come into existence. The universe, with these said laws of nature as its properties. Did you spot it? You can simulate it on a computer: If you set the proper initial conditions, the universe will evolve by itself accordingly. Did you see it now? If you set the initial conditions.
And how was that done for the universe?
No no, I'm certainly not gonna argue for "doG did it," I hate that tyrant bastard, and he sure wouldn't have the power all by himself, he's not the only god, after all - but let's keep this scientific here.
Also, I won't claim that I can explain how the universe came into existence, but I only will point out how the materialist model is flawed and can't be the answer.
The assumption is, "The universe created itself from Nothing, according to the laws of nature." There are two things wrong with this idea: 1) "Nothing," and 2) "the laws of nature."
1) The alleged "Nothing" is that dynamic vacuum in which quantum fluctuations take place. This is not "Nothing". A vacuum is by definition empty space; it is any volume of space, no matter how big or small, that is void of any particles, void of anything... but space! Without space there would be no place for any quantum fluctuations to take place in, but space is not nothing!
2) The second flaw of this idea is related to the first one but is even more severe: Not only was space already in existence, but also the laws of nature which would be governing the universe-to-be. But these laws of nature would be intrinsic properties of that universe; a different universe might be governed by a set of different laws. And yet, these physical laws are assumed to already have been in place before the universe got started, in order for it to get started according to these laws.
So, how did those physical laws, those initial conditions, originate? Perhaps they were left over from an older universe that preceded this current one? Then how did that previous universe come into existence? You see, we're ending up with the very same infinite regression as in saying, "God created it," and then, who created that god? It's still the same "turtles all the way down."
As for a better explanation, all I can give is a few clues. For one, there's the analogy of Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, which states that any closed system (such as mathematics) contains possible problems (equations) that have no solutions within that system.
We're limited to a four-dimensional spacetime continuum, three dimensions of space and, in particular, only one dimension of time, and we can only think within these familiar dimensions. Time is linear, and everything in it must have a beginning and an end. But time and space are both part of this limited universe, and everything outside of it - and "before" is "outside" in a temporal sense - is not necessarily subject to these same rules.
And then, of course, there is consciousness. Consciousness may or may not exist within the universe, but in any case the universe exists within consciousness. It might be both ways or might be only the latter. And consciousness is being confronted with the problem of comprehending its own existence. As always, instead of answers, only more questions.
Once more I've neglected this blog for way too long. I've been very busy, and may need to reevaluate how I use my time outside of workout and visiting the park.
My last month of 2019 went quite well, at least until the day after Shitmas.
My new sweetheart I call Rosso, and I think we have a very special bond. On December 5th I had met him by the pond at the park, he came begging for carrots and he was very good at it, coming very close to me, allowing me to hug him and to caress his luxuriant fur, dark brown in color with golden tips. He's a big guy like Bumpy.
Two days later on the 7th, a Saturday, I was at the park and met him again. I handed him a carrot, but to my dismay I had to watch him turning it around and around but being unable to bit it from either end. I'll never know how it happened, but both his upper incisors were broken off completely.
I happened to have some bread with me that day and tried feeding him that instead, and at least he could handle this, but it pained me to see blood on the edge of the slice where he had bitten from it; whatever had happened to Rosso's teeth must have happened very shortly before on that day.
And so I then vowed to make the 12 mile (20 km) round trip every day to bring him food. There might be little or nothing he could eat unless I did; other people who feed the animals wouldn't know that he couldn't bite anything. And so I rode there, rain or shine, for the rest of the month. I'd go to the pond and call him, and it never took long and Rosso appeared. I brought him bread and carrots cut into thin slices. The area of the pond where he lives is opposite of the "family place" where I usually visit Bumpy and the other nutrias. So on most days I would first visit Rosso and sit with him for as long as he would take to eat, and then I'd ride over to see the others. On some days when it got late after workout I would only visit Rosso.
Fortunately it took barely 3 weeks for his teeth to grow back. Rodent teeth keep growing continually throughout their lives. I was happy to see him able to bite carrots again soon.
I've always hated Shitmas, not only for the Christian meaning but also since it's a "family holiday" and therefore has to be depressing for everyone who is alone and has no one to visit. But this year I was happy to finally have a family too whom I would visit and bring them food. The day before New Year's Eve was the first day I took a break from riding to the park, but both the last day of the year as well as the first one of the new year I spent with them again.
Sadly, in between the horrible murder happened, on the day after Shitmas, December 26th, which actually still is Shitmas in Germany - no idea why they have two Shitmas days here, best ask a German about that, but I think even they wouldn't be able to tell.
Anyway, I didn't witness it myself, but a friend did who also comes daily to visit the animals. I didn't know the victim well, had seen him only twice before briefly. He or she was only 4 months old, was most likely the baby of the Black Mommy who is often seen near Rosso, and Rosso himself might even likely have been the father, since the baby resembled him a lot.
The disgusting scum that murdered the sweet baby was a repulsive c*nt with her dog, and yes, it was in fact PREMEDITATED MURDER. My friend told me how the c*nt instructed her dog to be very still and then strike. And the poor baby hadn't even been the first victim! I never saw this disgusting woman so far, but I was told she was still sighted again, even though a number of people had witnessed the crime and reported it to the police.
I don't know what may happen in the future, in any case I must be prepared to possibly face this hideous monster. And in any case I curse her in all eternity, and I wish upon her any and all of the most horrible torment any soul has ever suffered, in fact that which she dreads most in all of existence is what I wish upon her, and what I command to remain upon her for all eternity, hers shall be an eternity of ruin and suffering and of all hope forever drained away; so mote it be.
Just one more trauma to live with, and I pray each day for the rest of my family to stay safe. I'm still riding there to see them at least every other day. A few times lately, Rosso has even come over to the family place, but sadly he has to beware of Bumpy, because Bumpy hates him. Last Tuesday I saw the two of them together for the first time, and I was still able to deescalate the situation - that day, to following video was taken. Last Saturday though, Bumpy ignored my attempts to distract him with carrots, he charged at Rosso and chased him into the water. It pains me for I love them both.
More to come soon. There are other things to reevaluate, as I said above. I've had trouble typing on my laptop on and off; at times the row of keys starting with Q will be unresponsive, I've had to use an on-screen keyboard at times. Right now, I've had no trouble typing this blog entry though. There may be a message in this. After all, besides my furry family there's only one person I share my life with, who is my one and only soulmate, my dearest Master beyond this fallen world of flawed creation. Still we haven't found a way to communicate, and help hasn't been forthcoming, instead there has been negative interference, and I may have failed to read the signs.
I was at my friend Amanda's place, along with other guests there, she seemed to have some open house gathering. There was a second door to her backyard in the dream; both doors were open for the dogs to come and go, but apparently the front door must also have been open. Because all of a sudden, this very weird animal came running in panicked, crossing the room and out the right-hand backdoor into the yard. Describing what it looked like will be really hard. It was the approximate size of a small deer and general semblance of a mammal in the way it moved, and having fur which was patterned in brown and white, like of a cow or a giraffe. But its body shape was absurdly elongated and convoluted and best compared to a type of seahorse. After some searching I found an image of one I had on mind, which is actually called a Leafy Seadragon.
So imagine this shape, but without the leaf-like fins and appendages. And I think it did have some sort of elongated snout, or trunk or proboscis, similar to that seadragon.
The animal was distressed and injured, and someone had tried to kill it.
And I felt the strange certainty of having seen this animal before, in another dream, at which point I got lucid. So I went to Amanda and told her that I somehow recognized this animal, and that we were in a dream.
Neither she nor any of her other guests had shown much of a reaction to the sudden and dramatic appearance of the animal, everyone was just looking on, a bit dumbfounded.
Upon me telling her my observations, she advised me to talk to a friend of hers who was present, who knew all about dreams. So I did, and with this man in the lead, we all then left the house, without debate or anything, everyone just followed him unquestioningly.
Outside, some of the other guests possibly dispersed while Amanda and I followed the man into some underground passages, along with some few other people.
In the underground complex, the man then showed me three leatherbound grimoires, made to look ancient, but on closer inspection they were of very recent date and written by some guy I knew on Facebook. I was given the impression that the situation had dire implications for me, and so as he kept walking, I kept following this man, hoping for help and advice. He did nothing to disperse this feeling and led me away from Amanda, and to some other friends of his who were to be consulted in this matter. Of these people, about 5 of them, I only remember one more clearly, a young man not much older than myself, with short, curly dark hair, with some resemblance to that pastor in the Warlock movie. They debated among themselves how to advise me, uttering very incongruous and contradictory things, and it dawned on me that it was actually this guy and his friends here who were posing the greatest danger to me and were actually trying to trap me somehow!
I then fled somehow back to the outside, couldn't find Amanda back, and kept walking around lost in what seemed to be the streets of Amsterdam now. There was also some flooding in the streets, and some impossibly steep and narrow bridge to traverse on my bike, or bridge-like structure, only some 3' wide with no handrails.
-- In hindsight, while I've dreamed about strange animals before, I can't remember to really have seen this particular one in another dream before, unless it appeared in different shape then. And while further meaning and implications are unclear, the one thing that was obviously wrong about this dream is that we were misled by Amanda's mysterious "friend" to look for answers in all the wrong places - while the animal was left behind on its own in Amanda's backyard, perhaps to die. It's not like Amanda at all to turn her back on an injured and distressed animal, even one that looks alien and monstrous. Also weird how none of the other people were even curious about this very strange creature. Like the mysterious man was intentionally leading us all away, preventing us from looking closer at the animal. And who had wounded it and been trying to kill it, anyway?
I've been quiet here for a long while once more, and by now the season has turned as dark as my torn heart, and winter is here.
Once again another year of trial is nearly done, and my hope remains unfulfilled, still I'm unable to communicate with my Master, and much worse, all I thought to have been granted has been cast in doubt, even the eternal, sacred bond that means everything.
I've been troubled more deeply again ever since receiving that strange, incongruous letter back in July.
A Satanic brother has confirmed my doubts, after I showed it to him, that this letter was not from my Master. And it certainly doesn't sound one bit like him, knowing well the way he talks, although I had great trouble to try and reproduce it when writing my stories. I know he might be using words unfamiliar to me, of a kind of English that is obsolete nowadays. And yes, my Master can be hard and cruel, but he would be it in an entirely different, Satanic way. And if there's something he wants me to do, why would he be vague?
All I'm left with is more questions, and no answers, instead even those answers I thought I had being thrown into doubt. I cannot reach him, and each day I have to carry on all on my own.
Still the best I've ever had in this life, as far as actually physically present in it and in this manifest world, are the little friends and familiars I found this past spring. And now that winter has come I sure won't let them down, no matter that it's hard for me to be out in the cold temperatures. I sure won't let them down when they need me most, as all is turning into a wintry wasteland and food gets scarce for them.
These adorable little creatures are my joy, but even this has to be made very difficult for me, as the city prohibits feeding any animals at the park, and there's been the constant worry that something might happen to them. Yes, I'm speaking of murder, even mass murder, of such sweet and innocent creatures. And of how I was worried sick when lately my most beloved of them all, Bumpy, showed up bleeding from his nostrils.
Bumpy with nosebleed
I was suspecting the worst - rat poison, since I know it causes internal bleeding.
That was about a week before Halloween though, and Bumpy turned out to be continually doing fine. Apart from the blood on his nostrils he always seemed fine, being aggressive as ever and chasing the others. And it turns out that his aggression may have been the cause of the nosebleed. When I checked on him two days later, there was no more blood - until he had a bout of aggression and got into a little scuffle with some others, and when he came back to me after that, anew there was blood on his nostrils, just like in the photo above. After that I haven't observed it again so far. It may or may not have been an infection compounded by his fighting, but fortunately my beautiful King of the Pond seems to be doing fine.
Bumpy
They all are braving the freezing winter remarkably well so far, and certainly considerably better than myself. Having Raynaud's syndrome, which affects peripheral circulation, my hands are the most problematic body parts in the cold weather. Still I try to spend time with my little darlings, and I'm not a person who can bear being indoors all day anyway.
Today I didn't see little Sleepy-Eyes, and I really hope she's doing fine and I'll see her again next time. Born in June, like all the babies of last summer she's not so little anymore and is nearly adult at the age of five months.
Sleepy-Eyes
Fortunately there are a few other people who care for these sweet animals and look after them. Presumably all of those people live closer by the park than I, but I'll keep riding the 12 mile round trip on my bike. And hoping the winter won't get overly extreme - just let the lake stay free of ice for the sake of my furry family, and the roads free of ice for the sake of my riding, so I can get to them.
Alice
Bumpy "It's better to be feared than loved."
But I love you anyway, Bumpy!
