This morning I had to leave for the gym as early as possible because, yes it's officially the first day of spring but sadly also Carnival season, and today was the day they had a parade in my street again as every year. On the temporary no-parking signs they put up in the street it said 11 through 16:00 h today,so I wanted to be back home by 11 AM latest to batten down the hatches here... and most of all not get stuck in the parade!
So I was at the gym by about 7:30 AM and by 10 AM out again, just abs & cardio today. Fortunately I encountered no masqueraded crowds on the ride home, except for a lonely pirate walking his dog on the field path,and I like pirates because I am one. :)
(A Satanist always is a pirate in a sense - a rebel and a law unto themselves.)
I'm at war with my power bill so I'm trying to cut down on computer usage - and be more productive at it, more blogging, less Facebook... I got more than enough other stuff to do anyway. But I'm still attending my 10 minute guided meditation... yesterday I felt though that I'd have called it quits if it hadn't been day 8 of 10 anyway, so it's only today and tomorrow left. And on Monday my online course on Nuclear Technology is starting... so many different interests! But yes, I'm very fascinated with all things nuclear, I even read The Making of the Atomic Bomb from cover to cover, over 800 pages. - Back to the meditation subject, I'm planning to continue trying to figure out my own way of doing it, it's a good start but just not my way. Sitting on the chair my back gets terribly tense each time - and I got no problem with my back all day long, I'm a young girl, after all! The other day it got so painful though that I was glad when the session was over and I could move again - problem instantly over! It's true that sitting still is something I'm not exactly good at... but sitting on my bed or the floor with my legs bent sideways in my habitual fashion makes things easier somehow.
I need to work on my awareness, I'm sick of being "drunk" in my dreams. What I mean is this:
A few nights ago I dreamed of an orange airplane on the ground, it was beautiful, like an old-fashioned, double-winged propeller craft, but the wings were folded up and it was transforming somehow while preparing for takeoff. I wanted to take photos of it and fumbled with my "camera" but couldn't get it to work - which was no wonder at all because it was actually a small address notebook. I leafed it through, searching for the page with the "ACTIVATE" button, it had to be in one of the boxes containing other words too... I even found it eventually but it didn't work because the particular spot on the paper with the word "ACTIVATE" on it had worn off from too much use.
So... if in waking life a person were fumbling with a tiny address book and trying to take photos with it we'd usually think this person must be drunk, on drugs, or mentally challenged. That's why I need to change it.
The night after that I dreamed I was moving into a new house, sadly with my mother and her new husband (after 7 years we've been out of contact in the waking world she's still bothering me in my dreams). The house itself was large and awesome and I was asked to pick a room for myself. There were several options... but in the room my mother + husband had picked for themselves there was a spiral stairway leading up into a single attic room.The spiral stairwell ended in the precise center of the room which was rather small but full of sunshine, with large windows on all four sides and a wonderful view of the sunny countryside.
There was the problem that I'd always have to cross their room to get to the stairway to mine, which seemed to bother them less than it did me. There were other, larger rooms I could pick from but I knew I'd regret it - I wanted the attic room!
I know what this means. I want the perfect view above, the light, the clarity... and no one else even claims it, they're too busy with each other and with other, worldly things - but still they (the bad memories) are posing some obstacles for me to overcome.
It will take patience but it will get better; often it feels like I'm just underneath the surface, so close to breaking through to lucidity, like my sharky dorsal fin is already breaking the surface. ;)
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