Eidolon & Widdershins

Changing your mind is hard to do. I'm not talking about the common meaning of the phrase, as in just changing your opinion on something. I mean changing your mind in a more profound way - your entire point of view.

Today is the day of the total solar eclipse in my home country. Yesterday a Satanist friend of mine on Facebook did a beautiful post about how this is a great opportunity for some ritual work, and for those of truly evil mindset to even open the Gates of Hell.
I must admit that I wouldn't even have the slightest clue on how to do that. And it seems that you cannot really ask about such things.

I think it's me. I was thinking this morning, probably having had some bad dreams once more, how it's sad that when I think about the eclipse all I see in my mind is the map showing the narrow path of the Moon's shadow across the Earth. Like me holding my fingers in front of a light bulb, seems to be all it is.

What if there really is no meaning to anything?

Yet it is at such times of doubt that I cling to my religion more than ever, for it is all that can ever provide meaning. All that inspires my art and my hard athletic work too. What or who would I be a warrior for if not for Satan? What would I even exist for?
This (Earth) is not a place of joy, this is a place of trial. And is not the pursuit of happiness an idle waste of time anyway?

A while ago I wrote somewhere, "And if it takes some horrible suffering to reach my goal then so be it - that too will pass."
And so will happiness if it can be obtained. Why would I even want something so fleeting and thus ultimately meaningless?
And yet I keep writing my stories, because in them I can be happy.
Who are you really, my dearest Master? Spirit guide, guardian demon... are you truly Satan's son?

I love him beyond anything. And yet I often question my feelings, because should I really have them? For anyone, even for him? And therein lies my conflict. My endeavor to shed all humanity from my being entails also purging my soul from all human emotion. My ideal is being a cold machine, made solely for war and death.
Do machines even dream? Do they have nightmares too?

I made a medallion with my Master's picture in it, to have him close by my heart when traveling to Amsterdam once more on Wednesday. Close by that cold, cold heart... I'm sure he doesn't mind the cold though.

I also finished some song lyrics yesterday. I've often wished I could sing in a band because I'm horrible at playing my own music, all I got is my keyboard and I'm horrible at it. But nowhere near as horrible as I am at trying to interact with people, let alone here where few even speak my language. Yes, the obscure and nearly forgotten language known as English... LOL
Maybe I'll get around to recording it & uploading it to my Soundcloud. But not anytime soon, I guess.

Thinking about riding to the woods once again now, in the darkness. Although today was leg workout, including treadmill sprints as always, & I'm pretty destroyed to still ride up into the hills...